Reading the Bible for the first time (NKJV), when does this shit get good...

I couldn’t get past the begats

right KJV only. AVOID NU-BIBLES
bannedpreaching.com

The old testament is mostly for reference. Start with Matthew in the new testament. Jesus isn't actually the son of God tho. The Bible is a fable. Some Godly things in there tho. Just mixed in with personal agendas.

Any recommendations on good "guides" for the context and analysis? Something that's newbie friendly and not too heavy on deep religious language that'll fly right over my head?

1 JOHN 2
21 I have not written unto you because ye know not the truth, but because ye know it, and that no lie is of the truth.

22 Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist, that denieth the Father and the Son.

23 Whosoever denieth the Son, the same hath not the Father: he that acknowledgeth the Son hath the Father also.

24 Let that therefore abide in you, which ye have heard from the beginning. If that which ye have heard from the beginning shall remain in you, ye also shall continue in the Son, and in the Father.

25 And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life.

26 These things have I written unto you concerning them that seduce you.

k

It doesn't. It is a book written by kike rabbi. It is a shadow of the ancient religion it was stolen from

Everything you're reading is about Christ.

Nature of the sacrifices, dietary laws, etc. It is all indicative of the sort of person Christ/God is. The nature of what the Israelites are to rely on.

This is easiest to parse in the dietary laws. Simple example, no pork? Because porkers eat anything, not a 'pure' diet. So God is discriminating, so to will you ONLY survive by the constant intervention and instantiation by the one living God. So no carrion eaters.

You can get more out of this if you start in the middle with the gospels, but unironically, read it like 'fiction'. Not in the sense it is untrue, but in the sense the author has an intention with what is being communicated, and you're dealing with the author of reality.

This.
Typically a Christian should read New Testament first, then start going through the Old Testament and read some Psalms too as you go.
Also consider using the KJV Audiobook. It's free on youtube. Comfy ambient music, great voices.
youtu.be/EiXQmeuHTOY

Joshua - kings 2 is pretty good

Then it gets good again at job until Song of Songs. The rest of the OT is a series of rabbis seething and kvetching majorly boring stuff.