(1/3) Hey Any Forums, I'm struggling to get over the embarrassment I feel over a slightly abusive friendship I got out of three years ago. It took a while after I moved away from this guy to really reflect on how one sided this friendship was and what a shitty friend he had been the whole time.
This guy called me stupid and an idiot a couple of times, he ignored me pretty often when I spoke to him, refused to ever come up to my place when we hung out over the weekends so I went to pick him up, drive him to my place, then drop him back off at his place some times when we hung out. There were a few times he banged my mouse against the table when we were played League together anytime he made a bad move, almost breaking my mouse. I was 29 at the time, and up to this period I was simply lacking in assertiveness and didn't know how to stand up for myself or call him out for any of these little transgressions. To be fair to myself, I did snap at him the one time he called me an idiot after I made a bad move in League, and he made a reluctant apology after that, and I forgave him, but that was the only time I spoke against him treating me like shit. Also, I was just really stressed and depressed in that big city, working a really stressful job and being away from home, so I simply wanted a friend to hang out with over the weekends, even though clearly in retrospect he was a really shitty friend.
(2/3)There was this one particular thing he did though, that really bothered me, not at the moment but after I had returned home and reflected on how he had treated me. There were two or three times throughout the friendship where he placed his hand on my shoulder, randomly or when there was a pause in whatever conversation we were having, and just held it there for a few seconds while giving me a blank look. I didn't think much about it each time he did it, I probably thought he was just expressing his friendship in some quirky way even though it was a little bit overfamiliar. I think I just smiled or gave a slight chuckle each time.
On the final day I was in that city, when I decided I had enough of working that really stressful job and just wanted to return home (I was extremely depressed and stressed and distraught at the time) I told this friend that I had enough of that city, I was going to return home that day and asked if he wanted to hang out shortly one last time before I left and he agreed. He took that opportunity to basically shit on me the entire time and rub in my face that I couldn't survive in that city. He kind of gave me some light, playful punches like a fighting game character as soon as I walked into the room, called me stupid when I asked this one question while we played one last round of League, and he made that shoulder gesture one last time before I left. At this point it was pretty obvious to me he was just trying to get under my skin, so I felt like not showing any reaction to get under his skin in return. Also, I was just feeling too exhausted and defeated from the stress of that big city and job to get angry about him putting his hand on my shoulder.
Xavier Harris
(3/3) So this is what is eating me up inside, what is absolutely haunting me everyday since a few months after I had come back home from that city. Looking back on those 3 or 4 times total, when he placed his hand on my shoulder like that, I can't believe that I didn't react with more anger or agitation. The first 2 to 3 times he did it, I just saw them as an expression of friendship, and the last time he did it on that last day before I drove away, I just saw it as him being a dick and trying to annoy me since I had outlived my usefulness to him (giving him rides from work, paying for some meals for him before he found a job of his own, letting him play League on my PC etc.) and felt it was just best to ignore him.
Well now, looking back at that hand on my shoulder gesture, it actually seemed extremely insulting, demeaning, even emasculating. I feel like I can't carry any dignity as a man now, having reacted with that little anger towards a gesture like that. It was basically a nonverbal way of him asserting dominance over me or calling me his bi†ch. I'm constantly ruminating over that and wondering how the hell I reached the age of 29 and not even realizing how insulting that gesture can be between two men. I feel deeply ashamed over it.
Normally, all my life, I didn't really grow up in a masculine household or have really masculine friends, it's never something I paid much thought to. The thing is, I had been reading a bunch of blogs and 'manosphere' stuff online around the same time I had moved to that city, and a common theme in all that online content was that every man has an obligation to be a real man, there is only one way to be a real man, that you have to assert dominance over as many men as many times as you can get away with, and failure to do so will make you a bi†ch or a pussy or less of a man. You have to be a real man in the traditional sense to earn respect from other men or to be attractive to women.
Nolan Young
(One final one) So this is why, after reflecting on all of that friend's behavior after I had returned home, I'm just so fvcking ashamed of myself. Like I have no reason to call myself a man or to hold any sense of dignity. I was lacking assertiveness sure, and all of the insulting shi† he pulled with me was humiliating enough, but that hand on my shoulder gesture was by far the worse. I'm literally kicking myself all day, everyday for not understanding out insulting that gesture can be between two men. It's just so fvcking embarrassing and I don't know how to roll it into my identity or self concept. What do I do here?
Robert Allen
Bumping for some advice. Not sure how I can live this down
Jaxson Myers
The only thing I found that helps with stuff like this is using the gym as a pillar and training myself to only think about all the dark shit while lifting weights.
Parker Cooper
How tall are you and how much do you weigh?
Julian Scott
you really wrote all this shit nigga what the fuck are you a woman? the fuck are you even talking about like he called you stupid or something and touched your shoulder? is this something of note?
Jackson Thompson
5'11" and 155lbs. If what you're getting at is if I could have beaten this guy up, then I would say it could have been a pretty fair fight. He was slightly taller than me but also slightly skinnier. Well like I said, I just can't believe I was 29 at the time and didn't instinctively realize how insulting another man placing his hand on my shoulder and just letting it rest there for a few seconds was. I'm not saying the proper response would have been to fight him and possibly get an assault charge but I should have at least gotten angry and pushed his hand off or something
is it really that insulting? did he rape your mother? did he scam you out of thousands of dollars? did he upload a video of you masturbating to the internet? I think you'll fuckin recover man hopefully the PTSD from the shoulder touch isn't too debilitating to your mind
Angel Cox
If you learned a lesson from an experience, it’s a good experience. If you didn’t learn anything, you wasted your time and need to learn AKA a bad experience. So, what kind of experience was it?
Xavier Walker
You're right though, I am blowing this out of proportion probably. The thing is I tried venting about this in previous threads and I got replies like "lol what a bitch/pussy" and just sank back into shame and embarrassment Tbh, now I think the best way to have handled that would have been to pull away from him, but also chuckling and acting amused as if to say "Dude who do you think you are?"
Juan Davis
Of course you're going to get that, it's pretty much even seems like this is a bait thread and you're wanting those responses. You come off as very masochistic and feminine.
Leo Davis
>You come off as very masochistic and feminine. I know I know, I'm working on that but typing out that whole story just helps me process the anger and resentment I'm holding against myself which helps, as well as seeing the supportive replies saying that hand on my shoulder thing was not infact a huge deal
Jacob Harris
yeah this is Any Forums that's the obvious response. This guy did nothing to you.
Being a man isn't about dominance either. Its about aiming for the best, and protecting the things you care about.
Read Berserk, you might enjoy the story.
Regardless, have you had this on your mind for three years or did it just happen three years ago and did you just realize it pissed you off now?
Carson Davis
yeah this is really digging wayyyy into nothing much dude. on the power play scale that's like a 1 out of ten whether he was ribbing you in a friendly manner or if it came from animosity doesn't matter
Brandon Rogers
>have you had this on your mind for three years or did it just happen three years ago and did you just realize it pissed you off now? It went something like this, >first two months after coming back home: God that job and city sucked, I'm just so glad to be home >two months to 1 and a half years later: Come to think of it, that roommate was such a piece of shit, I did all those favors for him and that's how he decided to show his gratitude on that last day. What the fuck was his problem >one and a half years after I came back home to the present: Jesus christ how did I let him get away with all that disrepectful shit? And how was I so ok with him putting his hand on my shoulder like that? Am I a natural born pussy or coward? I don't think I can even call myself a man at this point, even reading all that online stuff about alpha males vs beta males an masculinity
Elijah Roberts
Stop caring about a pat on the back so much it doesn’t mean that much between two guys
Jackson King
Goddamned faggot soap opera. kys
Isaac Jenkins
You should stop having friends, thats what I did, everybody just wants something out of you.
Sebastian Wilson
Dude if this bothers you, can't wait till you meet an actual narcissist or a psychopath your bitch ass will jump off a bridge
