I posted this a few days ago, but it promptly got deleted because of wrong board...

I posted this a few days ago, but it promptly got deleted because of wrong board. But I'm still processing what happened. So, here it is again:

I feel so empty.

I am young: 25. I am successful, educated, have hobbies, like sports, all that stuff. Still, it's very difficult for me to date. Why? Because I have lots of fetishes.

For some reason I am only attracted to men of very specific type. Nobody else works for me. This is awful because often I know that someone is a valuable person, but I am simply not attracted.

Anyway.

Two years ago I met online a dude. Age 60, which is perfect. He seemed okay on photos. We chatted a bit, but then the conversation died. Then, out of the blue, he messaged me "Do you want to come to me this weekend?". I quickly went through our chat history: he had been talking about his hobbies, which implies he has some, and didn't jump into "hahaha seeeeex". Anyone who's ever dated online knows that this is already a lot.

Even though he lived far away from me, I decided to go. It was full-on corona time, and I was sitting at home doing nothing anyway.

Now. Usually, when I see a man from a dating site for the first time, my initial reaction is negative, and later I need to get used to him. Not this time. I saw him, and I immediately felt a rush. He was a big man. Not precisely very tall, but had both wide shoulders and a big beer belly. A nice beard. Wearing an old-school sweater with diamond pattern, leather vest, leather trousers, and cowboy boots. Below his neck he had a pride pin. A small, but important detail. His clothes were covered in a bit of dust, which gave off a "manly man" aura.

My initial impression has unfortunately quickly faded after talking to him. I tried to make some small-talk, but the first thing I heard from him was:

> We can't go out or anything because I'm right before payday, so I have €1.

Oooooo-kay.

(1/6)

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Anyway, we walked to his apartment. We entered it, and it was... it was just trashed. This apartment has never been renovated. Or cleaned. Nothing. It was full of useless things that belong to the trash bin, like for example an old, rusty knife template.

I sat on a sofa because I was tired. He started touching me. I didn't resist. I felt attracted to him, and I was lonely.

His hands... they were beautiful. You see, he was a train mechanic. Therefore, his skin was rough from handling all that heavy equipment. It was also a bit dirty. Mechanics always deal with oils that are a pain to wash off.

Then he started kissing me.

Most men who kiss me do it gently. A light touch of lips. But not him. He started just licking my face all over like a dog.

I was rock hard.

After some time I got hungry. I didn't trust anything he had in his fridge, so I decided to go to the supermarket. On our way we talked. Or rather, he rambled, because he asked me grand total zero questions. He was only talking about himself.

After we ate I tried to make some actual conversation again. But, again, he paid zero attention to me. He didn't even notice straight up "I don't want to talk about this".

I didn't know what to do. Should I just go back home? I didn't want to go home now, I was too tired for another eight-hour train ride. Should I stay? Listening to his rambling, looking at all the garbage on the floor? Not really. Still, I decided to rest for a while. I took a nap on the sofa while he went to do his own stuff.

After I woke up I was much calmer and relaxed. He came back to me. He was naked. And he was beautiful. His big belly covered in ungodly amount of hair reassured me that I made the right decision to stay. We had sex. Went to sleep. Had sex again. But the morning came, and in the moment of clarity I thought "what the hell am I doing with my life" and walked out, straight to the train station.

(2/6)

I told him we can't stay in touch. Not because he's poor, but because his apartment is trashed and he pays zero attention to other people. The only thing he ever asked me was "What's your job?" followed by nothing else.

But you know, it's not like I could just resist. One year later I was lying in bed, thinking about all those men I had met... most of them were assholes, but he... he wasn't an asshole. At no point was he unfriendly towards me. He was just... he was focused on himself, and he was an idiot. I'm not afraid of using this word. It's not about the education gap, it's about the way of thinking gap. He was the embodiment of what we usually mean by "old, stupid people". Does it mean he'd be a bad friend? Not really. When looking for a friend, the most important qualities are being welcoming, honest, trustful. He does have these traits. And, one more thing. Coming from a homophobic society, I am sick of "normal men married to women like any normal guy". I don't want liars. I want someone who wears a pride pin. I want someone who takes part in pride events. I want someone who fights for equal rights. I want *him*.

I gave him a call.

Then another.

Then another.

I wasn't trying to have a dialogue. I was just trying to... be friends, you know? And he would always pick up. He never hung up first. He always had time for me.

We met again. This time I was mentally prepared for what I was about to experience, so we had a really nice time.

Then I decided to invite him to my place. One small problem was that in the meantime I had moved to a different country. In pursue of a society that would accept me for who I am, I had emigrated. So, I bought my friend an international bus ticket. A plane ticket would be too expensive, but a bus ticket is a low price for making a friend.

(3/6)

We had... some good and some bad time. We smoked weed and cuddled and went sightseeing, but we also argued. At some point I just got angry with him because his low intelligence means he's not a conversational partner for me, and spending time with such a person becomes very exhausting very quickly.

But you know... after we argued and he left, I cried.

I cried.

Because I was in love with him.

I wanted him.

Knowing that he's my friend, that I can call him, that we'd meet once in a while, that I have my perfect beautiful daddy bear, all of this would make my day bright. It would turn a rainy sky into a sunny day. I would stop having depressive thoughts.

So, I decided to just lower my expectations regarding his behaviour, and try pursuing... a relationship? A friendship? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

For next six months we were going through phases. A bit of arguing, a bit of talking, you know how it rolls.

Then I decided to meet him on New Year's. I was in the area anyway because I was visiting my family for Christmas.

In the meantime my friends set me up a date with some guy. We spent New Year's Eve together, but it quickly became apparent we're not a match. Not only we had nothing to talk about, but he was also very greedy and jealous.

On New Year's morning I went to a hotel room I had rented for a night with my daddy bear. I had a few hours to spare, which was great, as I was mentally exhausted. After said few hours my daddy bear came.

What immediately hit me was how good-natured he is, as opposed to the previous date I just had had. He was genuinely a nice person. I trusted him. I considered him my friend. He wasn't trying to exploit the wealth gap between us.

(4/6)

We went to the hotel room. There was weed, food, sweets, and lots of hot sex. And you know, my daddy bear always knows how to surprise me. He said "I'm wearing these dirty white socks because some boy online has sweaty sock fetish and wanted mine, so I'm making some for him". And he was wearing these socks all the time, also when we were having sex. I loved it.

The next day we parted ways, and I went to the airport, and home.

I knew that my daddy bear is a true friend. I was in love with him. I decided to invite him to my place again, with all costs covered.

He was supposed to come on Friday. On Tuesday he called me saying that he can't come because he has no one to leave his cat with, his neighbour doesn't want the cat. I tried suggesting a solution, like "look for someone on facebook" or "maybe other neighbours" or "for sure someone can take care of the cat if you pay them, I will cover the costs". But no. His mind was stuck on "there is an issue, can't come".

I started crying, because I finally understood.

He is everything to me, but I am nothing to him. He just played with me. Sure, feel free to think "haha you fool, you should've seen this coming" but I didn't want to believe that something might be wrong because my daddy bear was... he was perfect. He was straight out of my dreams. I didn't want my bubble to burst. I wanted to naively believe in this relationship, because what do I believe in if not my own dreams coming true? Now the bubble did burst, and I feel very lonely.

(5/6)

It's not like this is the first time that such a situation happens. When we were meeting for New Year's, he called me "hey my senior railway pass has expired, I don't have new one, can't afford ticket", to which I replied "please just come, I'll pay the ticket if they don't accept your railway pass". Fortunately his pass was accepted, but I gave him some cash anyway. Sometime earlier I had suggested that he'd come to me but we'd split the bus ticket price 50/50, to which he promptly declined due to being poor. And why is he poor? Because the day he gets his money, he goes on a shopping spree. And later has literally nothing to eat.

So now here I am.

All my dreams are gone.

He is not able to prioritize me above his shopping addiction.

I started crying. For a few hours I was just crying.

The next day at work I did absolutely nothing, after work just went to my bed. My depressive and suicidal thoughts are back. Well, uh, this is kinda a natural reaction given the circumstances, but still.

So, here we are, today.

I don't know what to do.

How can I believe in bright future? I will never meet someone like my daddy bear. He was one of a kind.

I need help.

If you read this you probably think that what I wrote is a bait or whatever, but I'm real and I need help and please, someone, please tell me that things are going to be alright. I just want to feel loved.

(6/6)

Things will be alright, you're only 25.

Getting over his shopping addiction is up to him but you have to move on with your life. You deserve better than this and you know it.

I’m not gay, nor do I actually care but I read all of this.
You think your life is a movie and you are extremely melodramatic. I can’t believe I have to say this but there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Like a LOT of fat old hairy fish who like dick. I would say that you have up on this guy because he doesn’t seem to have the same intense teenage love you seem to have but you’re going to notice that not many older people have this. Once more I can’t speak for gay men because I don’t know any nor do I fuck any but I do know guys kind of plateau in terms of that stuff as they age, you won’t find anyone trying to have insane crushes and star crossed love as they get older - you’re looking for someone your own age in someone else’s body which you won’t get.

Altogether my advice is manage your expectations

bruh you started dating a dumbass 60 year old man, what did you expect to happen?

Just find some dude like 5 to 10 years older then you who has their shit together if you are so obsessed with having a daddy bear.

Gay.