I don't know how to describe this experience, I always "knew" (not always, but most of you get it), that nobody gives a fuck about you, if you are a stranger to them. But today I felt that; at work, I don't know how to describe, but the clients I just spoke to, the people that confided their personal information to me, passes by me like I'm trash. You say hi, and most of them don't even want to respond as to not engage at all. It's not even that most of them consider me an object, but just a nuisance, something to avert/avoid. Fuck that feeling was more real then any explanation, any books, music, movie scenes or anecdotes, in that moment, so much stuff made sense.
I'm not a part of that group, I'm not welcomed, wanted or invited, people don't see each other as humans until they know them.
It was a moment of clarity, I don't know how to properly describe.
Weirdly enough I now feel bad for my mother, it must not have being easy to have me as her son, we never connected, we are wildly different, and after years of her trying to reach out and connect while I was growing up, as a teen and later even as a young adult; (What I now recognize as her trying to connect). I always bluntly refused and bashed down any sort of connection, (Not intentionally, but I just don't know how to do this, didn't even knew the signs); It's not all my fault, but a big chunk of it.. it is. Partly because of our differences, partly because I quite honestly didn't know how to, still don't, but now every time I try any kind of attempt there is this block that separates us; The invisible wall, I don't know how to do this, superficial stuff? Sure I can "connect" with anyone, even better then some I guess, but this "deep connection", I don't know how, and I think she finally accepted that, which is very sad and unfair, because even thought she was not very good, she really fucking tried to do good in her own way. Fuck life's so complicated.
Blog: Nobody gives a fuck about you
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Just from your subject line alone: I fail to see how this is a bad thing. It means nobody is out to willfully hurt you. Sounds like fucking heaven.
This is not necessarily a negative, it could also be seen as a huge positive, but it was a eerie experience and huge reality check. In a moment it suddenly clicked, and I was just jolted with that.
It was more of a experience in the moment, more of a feeling then anything else. I wouldn't say it's bad, it could be seen as a huge positive as you pointed out, I just felt really taken back in the moment, and then I really felt bad about my mother, how she probably felt we were/are strangers to each other.
But yes you're right. it's not a negative at all.
God fucking damnit user. Your thread made me tear up a bit, starting from part
>now I feel bad for my mother
Because I've been thinking of that too myself. Mom passed away many years ago, we never connected, always distant. I think I may have been too hard on her. Now I know you couldn't give a shit about a online stranger but I can't help but think how fucking brutal, and real, the first part of your post is. Indeed, nobody gives a fuck other than our parents, you're too autistic and mine's dead. And we're old men now in a cold uncaring world. Uh. Well, I guess that's life.
It has advantages if you aim for self-sufficiency however. You have no debts towards anyone. Freedom. And the utter loneliness that comes with it. Freedom is not free after all.
Where is that pic from?
It made me feel awful and empty as well, I've being thinking about her for a while now, these last years, maybe it's maturing and coming with terms to how brutal life is, but her suffering is even worse, she is old, have health problems, have no money, and it's very limited (education), so even the small escapes that people like you and me can enjoy in the modern world, are not at her reach, and she will live a good 10, 15 years. And wasted time, fuck I'm wasting time right now, I have college education, no real job/profession, always working odd jobs, now I'm starting to get my shit together. Which means that by the time I have any money to really help her in any significant way it will already be too late. When life is really analyzed it becomes clear how fucking cruel it can be to some people. I feel awful for her and the shit I said to her when I was a teen and young adult, she would never understand what I meant or the reasoning behind it, but it was very hurtful and unnecessary, disgraceful.
I burned that bridge with her without ever knowing there was one. Kek. That for irony.
The image is from this video
youtube.com
I guess I'm mentally ill or something, but I never really understood wanting to be included. I'd rather everyone leave me alone and at least not try to fuck over my way of life. The idea of people not giving a fuck about me doesn't really get a reaction out of me. I like that better.
It actually bothered me when my coworkers would try to actively reach out to me outside of work and it's not because they're bad people or that I have anything against them. I'd just rather be left alone.
It is maturing for sure. It looks she is having a really rough time, mine also had a similar end-of-life experience, which is why in a way I'm glad she croaked before it got worse. And yeah, it's so sad realizing that even when you would want to help them, there's not a whole lot you can do. Other than, as you've already discovered, trying to mend things with them. But being Any Forums types means we have an awful lot of baggage to process as well, it took so long to *realize* something was amiss and that this is no way to live, and it's going to take another long time to work over that mental sludge until we *learn* to be human, connect, whatever the fuck. I've been thinking a lot about it and wonder if it's the key to "healing", like forgiving your old folks means forgiving yourself in a way don't you think? I'm shit out of luck but my dad still lives. What about yours? You get along with him?
I don't think she "would never understand", she probably knows where you are coming from, she was young and "rebelious" too, but can't fully process it yet. How old are you right now user? I was early 20s when mine passed away so my back then inmaturity is forggiven I think. Also man fucking literal hell clown world and shit, it also made me reconsider priorities. It's becoming increasingly hard to make good friends, the only thing left is relatives but those relatives are often the cause you and I turned out this way. So reaching out to them out of loneliness is kind of shooting yourself in the foot, again. Sometimes people never ever change...
For me it only really started when I felt the mounting pressure of falling through the cracks. It's pragmatic, not really genuine, I guess? I mean being left alone is comfy but often entails stagnation, and stagnation equals death.
It was more of a feeling then anything else. The point is not really feeling included. But it's that people that don't know you probably don't see you as human (at least that was the feeling I had in the moment), and yes that can be very troublesome, especially in a work environment, where your livelihood depends on it, in that moment a lot of stuff made perfect sense (this doesn't mean I'm right about this, I can be completely off base or just plain wrong), but if people don't see you as human or as an equal, a person that have all the same needs as they do, it's pretty easy to see how they can deliberately destroy something that you depend on, or not cooperate, be rude, or just put your life or other's life at risk, without ever being something directed at a one specific individual.
Hey guys forgot to say I'm a massive faggot. I'm currently having passionate gay sex with my dad.
>But it's that people that don't know you probably don't see you as human
Ever watched Full Metal Jacket?
I'm 26, soon to be 27. No she would not understand, the things I told her were not "rebellious", it was the truth, plain and simple. She was reckless and should have never had kids, but me? Fuck men, my old man told me way back, I was a slip up, plain and simple, they had me too old, shouldn't have happened, nobody ever held that over my head, but the feeling is very much mutual. She can barely take care of herself, it's logic 101. But the way I said that, I mean, fuck looking back now, I can see that it's heavy to tell your parents the shit I told her, but the way I told her... was like if Satan came from hell and wanted to deliver those lives in the most vicious way possible. You know there is shit that as an adult you know you don't need to say it, even if it is the truth, it won't solve anything, there is stuff that, you move on, make the best out of the situation, but that was not what did back then. And it wasn't once, it was several times. Over and over. Anyway, she knows it's not a phase, I really do despise life, my life, and wish to end it, I think the biggest reason I haven't yet it's because it would destroy her. She has so many problems that, this, would probably be that last straw that breaks the camels back.
No, relatives are not an option at all, I'm a stranger to my parents. Kek I have no connection with relatives whatsoever, don't even know most of them, nor do I wish to.
No. Why?
yrhpyd
>too old
>slip up
Yeah I guess you're right then, to those parents their offspring are an afterthought. Typical boomers. You do sound hateful but idk probably warranted I mean I do not know your old fucks it's just it gets tiring after a while. I too had hateful postal thoughts many many times until nature did the job for me and that's like the wake up call. "I really said/thought that uh I may be soulless after all". The worst part is it doesn't get better, not fast enough at least. I'm not sure one can heal from that but the fact that even under these circumstances you still consider the consequences killing yourself would have on her says something, although maybe it would be for the best because yeah life can be pretty fucking brutal to some. There is no reason to "live" like that.
Eh, relatives are a last-ditch attempt but if you have no problems holding down a job you're probably better off without them, if anything they can use the "but we're family user" to get free stuff. It's all so fucked up, nobody gives a fuck about you indeed
I'm still on the fence on killing myself, maybe it won't be as hard on her as I think it will. I'm not completely sure, loosing a kid must be hard regardless, but i was not an only child, and the others are much better at all of this then me. I will try one last time, not the connection bit, I know that is a moot point and highly unlikely to ever happen or flourish. I will try to live, to make my life livable, to get some money, do the professional path, but ultimately if I can't bare all of this and I know this sounds cliche, but hey, to each his/her life right? So yeah, not everyone is ok with working every day long hours, studying and having to deal with people treating you like garbage, it's not easy for anybody, but I guess that some people care less about life then the supposed benefits or prizes/pleasures you get from enduring it. Maybe I'm fooling myself and I'm just as indifferent as the people that don't know me. I just don't know. What I know for certain is that her suffering is noted, I recognize it, however banal, vain and meaningless that may be.
How many packets of ramen do you usually eat
2 or 3 a month, I only use them at Sunday night, when I don't want to cook and don't have food prepared. So I prepare one usually at 7pm or 8pm as dinner.
It would be harder than you think regardless of surviving siblings, but even if it weren't it's a good sign you're considering the consequences as I said. Realistically you have until around your mid 30s to get your shit together so you still have *some* time left user, don't despair yet. Also yeah "trying" the connection bit is silly for people like you and me, best to focus on ourselves but don't forget to keep open doors on the extremely off chance something happens. Good luck matey, hope it all works out for you.
i dont give a fuck about this thread. hidden
Just say thridden, sounds cooler
Thanks man, I hope you better times as well.
I'm not despairing, death is as much of a part of life as living is. We all have to go eventually. I'll try once again, but hey, if it's not for me, it's not for me. It was nice talking to you, see you in another life user.