Only problem is that now I'm already too far gone. I've got 250g of Sodium Nitrite hidden within my room, I've written my suicide note a while ago, I've neglected all aspects of my life, especially both my physical and mental health. I've been ready to leave for a while, I'm too weak to live and life overall is just too much for weak minded people like me. I'm so anguished, why couldn't a girl be into me when I didn't want to fucking blow my brains out? If something like this had happened back then maybe it would've been enough to take me in the right direction, but now I've been clinically depressed for years and my mind is almost 100% conditioned to wanting nothing but death, doing a 180 now just feels impossible. At the same time, it's what I've always wanted, to feel loved, to feel desired by someone in a genuine manner, but at the same time I feel like I'll just be robbing her of her precious time, time that she could be spending looking for the man that's actually going to spend the rest of his life with her and make her happy... I'm going out with her in a week, not knowing what I'm doing because I've never done this before, a few days before our date I have a college exam which I'll probably bomb, as I usually do, because I never study since I've stopped caring and I barely have the strength to get out of bed, I feel like it's a matter of time until I drop out and that'll probably disappoint her a lot, but now I'm at a point where my desire to live isn't strong enough to give me the strength to put in the effort needed to turn my life around. She has no idea I'm a failure and that I'll drop out soon and be even more of a failure. I don't know what to do.
A girl is finally interested in me
I would give it a try. After all, you'll be dead forever if you kys, so there's nothing to lose.
> but at the same time I feel like I'll just be robbing her of her precious time...
For the sake of it, put some effort, even if you don't want to.
>For the sake of it, put some effort, even if you don't want to.
I really want to put some effort, for her sake, but I feel unable to, I feel so weak and exhausted even though I barely do anything, it feels like the basic activities from day to day life are just too much for me...
Hey user, take a step back for a second.
Your basing everything on hypotheticals and intrusive thoughts.
A girl is finally interested in you, not because you're a failure but because you are you. A girl likes the quirky and interesting version of user in front of her. So give the dating shtick a shot.
Do the best you can, feel loved, feel desired in a genuine matter and enjoy it while you can. You aren't going to bomb your exam. You know what you want and that's the need to succeed. So go succeed. Go gettem user.
Where did you get the SN?
>Your basing everything on hypotheticals and intrusive thoughts.
I know, but I can't really help it, it's what I've been doing for most of my time in the last 7 years... I've conditioned my mind to always expect the worst and to think everything is awful and will go wrong, so that I'd never be disappointed.
>You aren't going to bomb your exam. You know what you want and that's the need to succeed. So go succeed. Go gettem user.
I can't help but feel like it's too late, I used to be so hard working as a kid, studying was so easy, working hard felt simple... but now I just feel so weak and useless, trying to not fail now when there's so much content to learn and catch up to in so little feels impossible for someone so weak and exhausted like me... I really like this girl, she's like a princess, and she deserves a prince, but I don't think I can be that prince with the way I am now, I fear that I might be too far gone after years of untreated depression and suicidal thoughts.
I got it online from MercadoLibre, an Argentinian website, from a Brazilian seller.
LMAOOO this nigga really decided to suicide over being unwanted by women before realizing he's just a pussy bitch and everything was in his head all along.
This is karma. The world is showing you that you're a weak piece of shit and a faggot.
god or some kind of omnipotent being literally sent you a girl that likes you in response to you wanting to kill yourself and you still want to kill yourself
don't be so blind user
Women love depressed guys. She wants to fix you annon. Let her give it a shot.
>inb4 women dont love depression other wise I wouldnt be a virgin
Counter argument, dazai.
>LMAOOO this nigga really decided to suicide over being unwanted by women before realizing he's just a pussy bitch and everything was in his head all along.
I wanted to kill myself for many other reasons besides being unwanted, it's just that my past failures with women were obviously disappointing and really hurt, and lead to me believing that I was just too undesireable, it was just another factor that lead me to believe that life just wasn't for me.
I just can't believe life had to send a girl my way right when I'm at my lowest point instead of when I actually had some life left within me.
>This is karma. The world is showing you that you're a weak piece of shit and a faggot.
I suppose, maybe some people are just mean to be miserable because they're too weak, maybe I deserve all of this anguish. You're right.
>I know, but I can't really help it, it's what I've been doing for most of my time in the last 7 years... I've conditioned my mind to always expect the worst and to think everything is awful and will go wrong, so that I'd never be disappointed.
Hey, it's clouding your judgement again. I'm not asking nor demanding you to be like a light switch and be a complete positive 180.
Stop belittling yourself over failures and disappointment in the past user. It's time to move on. It gets easier day by day, but you have to take small steps. Progress is progress no matter how fast or slow it is.
Give the dating shtick a shot. You never know, you may be the prince she never expected and study for your exam.
You may not see it, but you've done some good work. Proud of you user. Keep it up. See ya around.
I don't know if she knows I'm depressed, she heard about me from a friend of mine from class, I don't know what this friend of mine told her about me, if she told this girl about me being depressed or not, either way I don't know what got her to be into me in the first place, I find it confusing. Why is an attractive and well adjusted girl like her into scum like me?
A part of me thinks that could be the case, that this is life giving me one last chance to not sink completely, which is why I want to go for it and take it, but the reason I went so low is because I'm worthless, and a girl like her showing up doesn't suddently fix me, I'm still a worthless person that can't do anything right and I don't know what to do, I don't know if I have the strength to do what it takes. I'm just scared.
Thank you, user... I'll do my best, even though I know my best usually isn't good at all, it's still my best and I'll make sure to give it to her, she deserves no less than all I can give.
Hi user :3
I think you should tell her how you feel or maybe show her this post.
You might be scared of what her reaction might be
but (for better or for worse) you've got nothing to lose :D
(I cant force you to stay alive, and even if I could I wouldn't do that, your life your choice but I think things might be looking up for you so maybe don't kill yourself)
Whatever you do
I wish you luck
That's what counts, user. Progress is progress, no matter how fast or slow it is. Do the best you can, because that's what counts the most, to you personally, at the end of the day. Proud of you, user. Keep it up.
>I'm still a worthless person that can't do anything right and I don't know what to do, I don't know if I have the strength to do what it takes.
user some kind of higher being has taken interest in you, anything negative you think of yourself should be null at this point.
you have to keep going, you just have to.
Thanks, bro.
22VAV
Well people can usually sense when someone is self loathing and depressed. Even though you dont realise it you probably give of that vibe.
And as I said, women love fixing guys. It might be some freudian mommy instinct or something but when men are in pain mentally or physically, women instinctively want to care for them.
The guy I mentioned dazai was manically depressed but also extremely popular with women for just that reason in his own observation.
I'll try not to kill myself in the near future, at least give life one last chance since in a way it feels like God is sending me one last Angel to save me, a good thing about suicide is that I can do it whenever I feel like it, so there's no rush, I'm just anguished because I'm being hit by too many emotions and so many different kinds of fear that it's overwhelming and I don't know what to make of it. I can't be open to her about this, it's too much to take in when just starting to hang out with someone, it'd be unfair to her, too much emotional baggage, I'm thinking of talking a bit with our common friend, my classmate, which was the 3rd wheel, since she's a friend I have a lot of trust in and she knows I struggle with being depressed already. Only time will tell what will happen, overall I don't care much if I end up miserable and dead, I just want to make sure this girl's happy, so at first I'll try to be her prince, and I'll either succeed or fail, if I fail then I'll let her go so she can look for her true prince, and then after a few months I'll kill myself. I suppose part of my fear comes from the fact that I don't know what will happen, and when I was just 100% suicidal I was sure, uncertainty is scary and uncomfortable, I forgot what it felt like.
I'll try, I'll do whatever I feel like I can do within my current state, even if it isn't much, I want this to work out.
You're welcome, user!
I see, well, I don't know what my classmate told her about me, so maybe she does know I'm not so well in the head, it could really be a matter of her wanting to fix me, I hope she can pull it off, I don't want to be broken anymore, I want to feel whole again, after so many years in pieces.
Trust me man I know what you mean.
Women wont fix you, but they can be that little spark to give you strength to crawl out of your hole.
Also give dazai a read, you sound like you have a lot of similar ideas and feelings as him.
I feel like this is my best chance to get out of the whole I dug for myself... so I'll do whatever I can to take it. I'll make sure to read Dazai... after I pass on my exams of course!
Good on you. I was in a manic depressive state for a year myself.
You have to be the one to escape it, but having someone who loves you makes it much easier.
Also reading authors who where depressed gives you a better insight into depression and how to escape it so I highly recommend him. No longer human is his most famous book.