How have you been holding up, user?

Once I had moved into a rented room at that big city for the new job, I had befriended a roommate who happened to be dating a similar looking, completely slender and pretty girl, while also being unemployed, which I found impressive. I had been reading a bunch of redpill theory stuff online talking about women are attracted to alpha male traits and dominant behavior in men, and figured that this guy must have been naturally alpha enough to be dating a slender girl like this while still being unemployed while I had just gotten brutally cucked by my own, so I was drawn to him and placed a lot of value on that friendship, more than I would have otherwise. I had this feeling deep down, even though I rarely voiced it internally or let it come to the forefront of my mind, that hanging out with this guy and gaining his acceptance and friendship would in turn make me act and feel more alpha, and hopefully I could once again attract women who were completely slender.

In all, I had been friends with this guy for two years, the first half when I was rooming with him up until I lost my first job there because it was too stressful, the second half when I had moved up into a rented room further north in the city to take on another job that was slightly less stressful. This roommate was overall friendly at first, even though he had a habit sometimes of ignoring me and staring off into his laptop screen while I was talking to him. In fact aside from this, he was overall pretty friendly for the first half of the time I had spent with him, while I was rooming in that same unit with him. Then I lost my first job and moved into that other room up north, and we continued to hang out.

It's important to note that I was incredibly stressed during this whole time. That first job I got fired from was incredibly stressful, the second job, while not as stressful, had a very long commute even further up north, and I was seriously doubting my intelligence and starting to feel like a retard for having spent about $160k of my parents money on an engineering degree that I was turning out to be too dumb to use for any 'big boy' job. Add to that the fact I was trying to get over my ex, the best looking and most special girl I had ever dated, breaking up with me in such an insulting way, my happiness and my self esteem were plummeting during this time. I was feeling vaguely suicidal and had even confided this with my friend, to which he made some nonchalant comment like "Damn that's crazy".

Yet, after I had moved up to that room further up north for the second job, when I asked my friend if he could occasionally share the work of us hanging out by taking the metro up to my new room instead of me driving over to pick him up, drive him up to my place so we could play League on my PC, then drive him back to his place and return to my room up north in the city, he flat out refused. In fact the friendship was really looking one sided at the time, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. I gave him rides from work pretty often, and there were a handful of times I had paid for his meals when we went to eat out when he was unemployed and had no income. I had always been pretty bad at communication, lacking in assertiveness and not knowing how or when to stand up for myself and that was probably becoming more and more apparent in this friendship. One time he smiled at me while we were chilling on the couch and said "Fuck you", probably what he thought was a joke but I laughed it off, and there were two or three times that he randomly placed his hand on my shoulder and held it there for a few seconds while giving me a blank look,

this hand on my shoulder gesture, I didn't think much about it at the time, I thought it was just his quirky way of expressing friendship but in retrospect I realized that was incredibly patronizing and I should *not* have been okay with that. But at the time when he did that I probably just laughed it off or chuckled and continued with whatever we were talking about or doing.

So fast forward to about 10 months into that time I had moved up north, two months before I had left for good to my hometown. I was starting up another round of League with my friend sitting beside me, and I scrolled through some boards here just to catch some memes while the game was loading. I scrolled through Any Forums really quick and he noticed and asked what kind of fucking racist website is this? (This roommate/friend was a far left redditor type of guy) I explained to him it was the politics board but I only looked through it some times for the memes and news.

He gave me a side glance but didn't say much more. Later that day when I allowed him to play League on my PC (in the main living room) while I had gone upstairs to take a short nap, I started hearing this banging sound coming from downstairs, sounding like he was pounding the table. I went downstairs and walked towards the living area, and saw that the cover to my mouse to hold the batteries in was separated from the mouse. I asked him what that was about and he said "Oh I dunno". It turns out when he was losing to any plays he was making in League he was just banging my mouse against the table in frustration. I told him "Easy, easy" but then he replied "Why does it matter dude"

Then came my turn to play a round since I had come downstairs. I ended up making this one bad play, and he called me an idiot. By that time, I was picking up on a lot of unnecessary hostility and disrespect from him so I just turned around and bared my teeth and told him 'No', to which after twenty seconds he gave a very reluctant sounding apology. I told him to pack his stuff and that I was driving him back to his place, and he just remained quiet the whole time. However, once I got back home, after I had called my mom to vent about breaking off the friendship with someone I thought was my best friend, she encouraged me to forgive him and that he was probably stressed form his new job that he had started weeks earlier, so I did so. I texted him to say no hard feelings, and he thanked me and agreed that he was taking out the stress from his job on me. So we continued hanging out each weekend for the slightly less than two months I was enduring that city and the stressful job. And he seemed overall friendly during this time.

So now it's the final day I was at that city and putting up with that incredibly stressful job and commute. I was feeling very worn out, up to my limit, had suicidal thoughts passing in and out of my head. I decided that was the day I just tell my boss I was done with that job, if he could provide a good letter of reference in the future that would be great and that I was moving back home. Unexpectedly I was crying slightly when I was telling my boss this, not bawling but the amount of frustration and disappointment I was holding within myself really let loose then, and he was very nice and understanding. I text my friend who I had felt I had already reconciled with at this time that I had had enough of that city and that job, that I was going home for good, and asked him if he wanted to hang out one last time before I return home, to which he agreed.

So after stopping by at my room to pack all my stuff and throw it all into my car, I arrive at his place so we can get some drinks from the convenience store and play one last round or two of League. This guy immediately greets me by horsing around with me slightly like a fighting game character (he loved playing Street Fighter and other fighting games) by throwing fake, light punches at me, and I could tell immediately he was dropping all niceties with me and trying to disrespect me as much as he could before I left, but I didn't feel like saying anything because I just felt too exhausted and defeated. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought this had to do with me scrolling through Any Forums that one day and he simply didn't approve of the content there, which I could understand.

So for those last two hours I hung out with him before driving home, in addition to those light, playful punches he threw, he made that one gesture one last time where he placed his hand on my shoulder for a few seconds, and asked if I was stupid when I asked him a question about League during that one last match we played,

and lastly before I said my last goodbyes to him and the other roommate he said with a smirk "What a shame, wish we could have you here". I drove home, and enjoyed my first month or so of freedom from that job. However, I reflected more and more upon all of his treatment of me as a whole, and realized maybe he didn't even care that much that I had briefly scrolled through some racist website and felt like bullying or treating like shit someone who was vulnerable and down on his self esteem right in front of him, and I felt completely taken advantage of too, considering I had bought him a handful of meals while he was unemployed, was always giving him rides from work once he did get his job and always let him play League on my PC, even smashing the mouse like that on that one day. I just reviews all the disrespect from him and the one sided nature of that friendship and began to feel angrier than I had ever felt before, not just anger at him but anger at myself for having let him walk all over me and disrespect me like that.

Another angle which made all that behavior hurt so bad was I began to see it all as assertions of dominance. With all those assertions of dominance, he probably walked out of that one sided friendship feeling more alpha while I was forced to feel incredibly beta, or even a bitch to an outside observer. Again, these were really painful realizations to be made but that's exactly why I'm typing this all out right now, I just have to share this entire story in detail to SOMEONE out there, besides my parents (who wouldn't really understand these things anyway) and my therapist. And yea, maybe on top of seeming incredibly beta during this whole situation, maybe there's the chance I've always had some slight autism going on that prevented me from having a gut feeling to avoid this person and cut off the friendship.

Nonetheless, these were the reasons I outlined before why I continued to hang out with this guy 1)I had always tended to be a people pleaser and a doormat in previous friendships and was happy to take on a slightly submissive role to keep the friendship afloat, even though those previous friendships were nowhere near this one sided 2) I was incredibly stressed and depressed in that city with those jobs and simply wanted *a* friend to hang out with over the weekends and 3) like I said before, hanging out with this guy subconsciously made me feel more alpha and therefore more attractive to women who were completely slender like the special girlfriend that dumped me right when I had moved to the city.

Another thing that really hurt about that whole friendship was the hand on my shoulder gesture. I didn't think about it much each time he did it, I thought it was just his quirky way of expressing friendship, but really that was an extremely patronizing gesture and I should NOT have been okay with that. Maybe the first two or three times he did it were permissible, but the last time he did it, on the final day I said my final goodbyes and he was trying to make it clear that he didn't give a fuck about me the whole time and that I had outlived my usefulness to him, I should have reacted with a lot more anger or agitation, or at least pulled away from him. For one man to place his hand on another man's shoulder, if they aren't explicitly close friends, could be taken to mean "I own you" or "You're my bitch". I didn't interpret the gesture that way before I returned home three years ago, but now I do and it just eats at me every day that I allowed myself to look and act so beta in this guy's company and that didn't instinctually feel angrier or more agitated when he placed his hand on my shoulder like that.

So even though I already typed this all out last night, I think I'm going to wrap up this story by saying that is has been three years since I had returned home from that big city and the stressful job, and that abusive roommate, and I still feel intense mixtures of feelings from his treatment of me that include anger, resentment, shame, bitterness, feeling really fucking beta / autistic / unattractive to women this entire time, low self esteem etc. Now of course, I'm a whole lot better at being assertive when the time calls for it, standing up for myself, setting boundaries, avoiding toxic people like that roommate, but man the pain has been unbearable and still persists. I've started seeing a therapist and have gone to about ten sessions with him and he has really helped, but I also feel like I need to share this story with OTHER people and not just him. I hope you can understand why I felt so angry and bitter this whole time. That roommate can probably continue to enjoy dating pretty, slender women while I'm coasting through my early thirties trying to overcome these brain problems, but will also have to contend with being, naturally, slightly low IQ and autistic, so much so even though I have spent ~160k of my parents money on an engineering degree from a fancy private college, I may in fact be too dumb to hold any job that pays more than $25 an hour. But you know what, I still am holding out some hope for myself, typing out this whole story in detail helped, and maybe if I can let go of all this anger and bitterness and resentment, I can learn to code or some other similar high paying skill and actually earn decent money

Remembering all the failures and struggling to find one success. I'm surprised how brave I actually were, I did things absolutely unthinkable for me now, just to fail anyway.
I wouldn't miss anything good or interesting if I had killed myself years ago. Bad feel.

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Proud of you user. You recognised not only a friend, but your own flaws, and are trying to grow as person. Not many people can say that

I just feel unwanted. I always feel like the people I am talking to all secretly hate me and like I only end up in groups in the first place as a tagalong to someone people actually like. Went so long without having friends that I can't just trust that someone WANTS to be my friend.

I'm really good at breaking things and fucking things up. It's almost uncanny my ability to break and or damage things. I am genuinely a mental defective.

yet another day of not getting over my oneitis
the worst part is that i actually had a decent chance of winning this one, but i was a sad cunt and i just sat there in my own self pity instead of doing shit when i could have. Now it's too late and i don't think i can ever forgive myself for it because another chance like that is not going to happen.