Vent Thread

im feeling alright, mostly drawing and lifting. still getting used to my new tablet. dont know how to repay my gf for buying it.

thinking about picking up a new anime today and watching with my frens. i am thinking of making a cup of cofi with the new mug my big sis sent me.

how are you lads?

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Well stronger, sharper and more insane by the day.
Running into money issues.
Skipping around between jobs.
But uh hey things are going to get alot worse for everyone pretty soon.
I uh don't take much joy in that actually.
It's come to the point in the past month where whenever I have really any time to swim in my thoughts shit gets depressing.
People I like don't really much care for me because even though I add a lot I also add a lot of depressing energy to any situation.
If you were to ask me when the last time I smiled in response to something happening I wouldn't know.

I hate this general aura of defeatism and pessimism. Why aren't we hanging (((them))) from lamp posts? What needs to happen?

>inb4 ok fed

Posted this in a whitepilling thread. No responses. I guess I am a lost cause.

So, here it is:

I got abused a lot in my teenage and early adult years, mostly caused by my parents and other people I trusted. My iq went measurably down and I sometimes started getting so stressed, I stopped leaving the house for the most part, stopped taking care of myself snd who hallucinate that people were coming after me again. I have been sexually assaulted several times, including at least twice by roommates in situations that affected me a great deal financially when either I had to leave or they left because I finally had someone I could claim would protect me.

I struggled throughout university living a life I haven't wanted to live for most of the last decade. It it difficult to take care of myself let alone do any work because there is no payoff for me. The only good thing about me used to be that I was intelligent and more accelerated than everyone else at my school, but now I can't bring myself to do anything of significant value intellectually. I have been given "convulsive therapy" and barrages of medications, magnetic brain stimulation, and so many other taxing and time intensive treatments. Nothing has worked, and all I get is more blackpilled.

My parents never loved me and I wish they would have abused me less and taught me more. Instead of learning and achieving milestones in my teens, I was repeatedly humiliated to extents beyond most people's comprehension, and I couldn't handle it. Instead of the smart kid, I was now the crazy kid who was gone from class a lot because I was being whisked away to some unfamiliar place to get traumatized again.

I have lived a life full of financial and mental hardship. I am ugly and not even smart anymore. Everyone is disappointed in me including myself.

Become a monk bro, your shit is fucked, just become a monk

I try my best every day, but I keep having suicidal thoughts in bed.

>become a monk
they don't allow females. even the buddhists are sexist.

I want to quit my job and move away but I can't because it would cause too much family stress and I don't have any skills or any jobs set up for a potential move location. But I'm rotting here. I hate it

>earn a degree in a promising field
>means nothing to me, I don't even remember cracking a smile when I graduated
>can't remember the last time I was happy and it's been this way for years
>can't afford therapy without a job
>depression exacerbated by months of rejection emails, unanswered applications, no contact after interviews and the federal government not providing funding for new employees
I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle. I feel like shit and can barely muster the energy to keep looking for a job.
I can't get help without income because everything I have is being used to keep me afloat while I job hunt.
I'm hungry, anons. I'm fucking burning to start a real career. No more of this minimum wage slaving bullshit. I'm so close and yet it's just out of reach.
I want to be happy, but I don't think I can get there on my own. I've been like this for a minimum of 6 years, probably longer.
Nothing interests me anymore. I only hangout with friends out of obligation to keep our relationship going. I can't even work up the interest to play video games anymore.
If it wasn't for my family I would have taken a long walk off a cliff years ago, but I can't financially burden them. This is something I have to do for myself.
I'll just keep trying, but it makes me feel hollow when I've made no headway in months.

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I'm just a burden to everyone around me. Every day feels like I'm cheating death.

>I don't even remember cracking a smile when I graduated
yo, I'm . same here. i just finished university and all i felt was some relief. i don't feel proud at all.
>therapy
overrated i would say, but it depends how complicated your shit is. if you need to be told things like "exercise and showering help!" then sure, but usually they are just money vampires and can gaslight you.
>job
are you applying for every type of job? what kind of experience do you have?
if you are trying for a certain field, it is not uncommon to be stuck for years. i just earned a physics degree and am working for a pizza place... making more than i would be at a lot of labs for less stress. i encourage an open mind if you don't have one already, and work on your back up for later (mine is finance, gonna study for those certs; coding works too, etc)
reach out to me at
broken#5685
if you want advice or just to connect.