> Be me
> Couple years back, stay up for several days researching esoteric linguistics bullshit where I eventually, after 3-4 days of no sleep, am convinced I am the second coming of Christ and that I solved the P versus NP problem (won $1,000,000) and become paranoid my friends are going to steal my work and get the money before me. Oh, and the universe is all binary and everything can be expressed in 1s and 0s. I can speak binary
> Wind up in mental hospital
> Immediately diagnosed with bipolar 1 and fed medications that do next to nothing beyond placebo effect
> recover after sleep and have 1-2 years of semi-normal? but frequently depressed about the state of the world, about suffering outweighing joy (I am an anti-natalist), also struggle to hold down menial minimum wage jobs
> one month back, I quit my job at a restaurant mid-slice. Just vanished without a trace. Went to get milk
> two weeks back, voluntarily checked into a mental hospital, got ECT (essentially, the last resort for depression)
> ECT does nothing after 3 treatments
> attempt to kill self in any means possible that doesn't have catastrophic downside risk
> checked into hospital, tried to VSED (stop drinking and eating) until I died
> they wouldn't let me die (threatening force-feeding)
> no one will let me die
> of the 3 solutions to absurdism: suicide, delusions, and milquetoast acceptance, society won't let me do the first, too rational to believe in delusions, too blackpilled for the third
> "Severe Sleep Deprivation Causes Hallucinations and a Gradual Progression Toward Psychosis With Increasing Time Awake" ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
> Ooo I can now do this since society won't let me die
> Will eventually declare bankruptcy, get on the tugboat (SSI, which is exempt from debt garnishment by the way), and interact with my time-distorted audiovisual hallucinations all day going in guns blazing everywhere I go, just completely and utterly on a different fucking planet
Be me
fucking relax spaztard read a book or learn an instrument or something that isn't this
Already learned multiple instruments and composed music. Lost interest. Most books are trite collections of tropes that don't interest me.
Pic very fitting, OP. But you forgot your helmet
Spend less time inside your own skull thinking about thoughts. Intellect is not a scalpel to take the world to in order to dissect things.
I spent a lot of my time over the last year or two talking to people and in public spaces, certainly not insane my own skull.
grooiiiiowwwww uuuuuuuupppppp
Was it nice? a
Care to elaborate on how I've not "grooiiowwn uuuupppp"?
Lost its appeal rather quickly, just like everything else in my life. Anhedonia is a bitch. It cannot be reasoned out of. It's in a sense the natural conclusion of total rationalism.
No you're definitely spending time inside your own skull reasoning yourself out of happiness judging but how quick you were to turn this conversation into a rationalization for what happened when and why. You're a fish who noticed the water and spends all your time analyzing it instead of swimming.
*sigh*, you're really gonna make me get into it huh?
I just don't. Enjoy. Life. I don't like the limitations it has. I don't like the state of the world, nor can any rational human being. I don't like my life or where I can reasonably expect it to go. I thought seriously about extreme plans besides killing myself. Like traveling to a country (e.g. Japan) and renouncing citizenship, eventually forcing them to accept me as a resident some way or another. I thought about the best job I could hope to attain, the best work schedule (which I already have obtained I think), etc. None of it is even close to suppressing the unavoidable conclusion that life fucking sucks. Suffering always outweighs whatever little bursts of joy or mania that come in between, in duration, intensity, and frequency.
I realized my interests are shallow, overly or simplistically patternistic, or otherwise just... not what they're cracked out to be. I like to call this the "Minecraft awakening" since I went through it with Minecraft.
(cont)
When I was a kid and teen, I thought Minecraft was nothing short of magical. I could entertain myself for dozens of hours at a time, even just doing things as simple as collecting sand. Because it's infinite! Infinite possibilities! It was so wonderful. Thinking the world was actually infinite. But it's not, in reality, of course. It's patternistic, deterministic, and boring. Minecraft is not an interesting game after a while. As soon as you discover, accidentally or intentionally, over a short period or a long period, how deterministic and boring it actually is. The lack of real danger once you learn the mobs' simplistic behaviors. I feel this loss of magic, loss of enjoyment in seeming randomness, has occurred across my entire life.
All phobias are irrational when, for example, you realize that you're not likely to ever be a victim of a serious crime by a stranger in most places. Ever. You're more likely to be hurt by your family or partners. You lose germaphobia when you realize that everyone is fine despite living in germs all day. Phobias are essentially, that magical feeling, ignorance.
Ignorance that leads you to believe the world is more interesting than it actually is. Conspiracies theories posit worlds far more interesting than the one we live in, of interesting organized planning and manipulation that one should feel compelled to fight against or expose.
The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience. You're miserable because you've spent your entire life, as you've just describe to me, inside your own skull conceptualizing and trying to render life to component parts as if there is some kind of ultimate ground or deterministic formula to be found. So now you're a prisoner to the dream world you've constructed and never in touch with reality. Before you go "that's not true!", mind, you're the one who's been to mental intuitions and are atomized.
Go start a garden and volunteer your time somewhere to try and improve someone else's lot in life.
not really kid
Yes, I've been to mental institutions because I would rather be dead than experience the current world as it is. Vague platitudes about "the mystery of life" don't change crippling realities.
I'm telling you, you who knows and admits they are mentally compromised, are not experiencing reality as it is, and what you call 'crippling realities', is in fact a delusion generated by yourself.
I am experiencing reality as it is, unfortunately. It's what I want out of. Delusions won't start until approximately 48 hours from now, or two more nights without sleep.
A person with anhedonia doesn't experience emotions. And in the exact same way you're not experiencing reality. You're experiencing averitas.
>A person with anhedonia doesn't experience emotions
False. They just aren't interested in what they used to, and don't enjoy what they used to. The causes can vary, from short-term (e.g. my cat died), longer-term (e.g. a more significant tragedy), or, as I believe in my case, not be caused by any event and thus be based on underlying philosophies and thought processes, e.g. rationalism, which has ruined my life.
Yes, and your thought processes have lead you to be uninterested in seeing reality as reality. i.e. delusions
And as I just said to my friend, I think the solution we came to (sleep deprivation) is a good way to accomplish it, because, as they put it, "it'll force your mind to do something different rather than stim in the same thought pattern soup that it's been stuck in for a few years now. A garden won't fix whatever the fuck is wrong with you. Nuking your brain repeatedly with electricity and sleep deprivation will possibly fix what's wrong with you."