How much anxiety and paranoia is too much?

>be me
>whole life I'm paranoid that people are mocking me, or secretly plotting against me
>my suspicion of people around me wishing me evil drives me mad almost to the point of wishing to go ER against them (don't worry glowniggers, I changed my mind already)
>in addition, due to moderately religious upbringing, i'm anxious about the possibility of eternal damnation in case i did something wrong by ruling deity standards
>and on top of that, I have a mild God complexes in a sense that I am sometimes wondering if the entire reality is just an illusion - my dream or someone else, and in order to 'wake up' I need to kms
>part of me know that at least par of it is not true, but another part of keeps convincing me that it's all true and all evidence to the contrary are just of the conspiracy (to conceal truth of me so I don't wake up and this simulation ends, or so that gnostic Jaldabaoth who feeds on human suffering continues tormenting me for all eternity, all reincarnations)
>was considered a child prodigy, educated and well-spoken, finished a good college... and not doing anything after it because too self-conscious and neurotic to proactively seek job (only if my family outright forces me to, but they don't)

what do, anons? am i sorry excuse for a human being and should just kms? or do i have a potential as an interesting fantasy writer or a philosopher/esotericist?

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*by ruling deity's standards
*part of me knows
*part of the conspiracy

fixes

Go get your brain scanned for tumors that are pressing your peanut butter consistency salted electric fat lump in uncomfortable manners.

If that comes back clean, then you should probably just drop acid once to see if scars your mind in such a way to not have the same problems.

You can probably use your current brain damage to make good mystery novels since you're already stinted towards conspiracy, though you'd probably have to purposefully cut it back to make it believable; this could double down as being therapeutic.

elaborate the first sentence? after reading about various horrible conditions, i started thinking that i have 1 (or even all at once) - it's 1 of my many fears. but the actual brain scan i had once did not show anything abnormal

i never used drugs except alcohol (didnt like the taste so stopped after 1 or 2 bottles). i want to try acid and weed but cant buy it legally in my country and too hikki-neet to buy it illegally (need friends and contacts for this)

I'm pretty much the same.
My brain is Prince of the Abyss though, consumer of all realities. Ender of eternity.
Luckily I learned to ignore it, just pray for forgiveness about my madness. Even when you resist it, you eventually just fall into the mindset.

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do you also have material fears in addition to metaphysical/supernatural fears? like constant fear of being killed in a terrorist attack/mass shooting while in public or being assaulted by random muggers while alone on the street? or suddenly turning out to have some horrible condition? (my mother actually had cancer but survived due to chemotherapy)

I was mostly referring to the fact that a number of psychological ills can be caused by swelling of the brain making it press or constrict in strange ways and causing various cognitive issues.
Booze isn't a fundamentally mind altering experience; At least not in my experience or anyone I know. It works more as a throttle to errant thoughts as far as I'm concerned.
Beyond what I've laid out here I don't have any really proper advice. If nothing is fucked with your brain physically your only other option is to either try to integrate the thoughts and make them useful or actually fuck up your thinking to see if a shift, even temporary, helps. Though that would be a gamble, obviously.

I'm in a similar boat but I'm not religious - I just assume I have to do good things to balance out the evil in my life
I went from having a traumatic childhood (my family was alright but I had bipolar friends) to having a relatively comfortable adulthood
I couldn't handle all of the sudden "good" in my life and wondered how long it'll take before all these nice people start hurting me
I became a NEET to cope with it
Yes to all of them, I think it's just a general dread of the unknown

do you have a vivid imagination?
were you in an accelerated learning programs/GATE?
is your weed paranoia actually more like a psychotic break?
can you compartmentalize your thoughts/feelings easily?
do you have any sense of loneliness?

>Do you have fears
I feel physical fear, but the emotion isn't there anymore. I had nightmares consistently that were so horrific something snapped. I still kept going to work and was able to maintain my composure relatively well. Through that whole episode. My big worry was the madness. But even that has nearly burned out. So long as I keep confronting this bullshit, and busting through it. I always seem to come out the other side okay.