something i've began to realise over the last year is just how little I actually care about the majority of people and vice versa.
I feel like any relationship I have is destined to fall apart or one sided, I'm always the one to call first and I feel like I haven't made any meaningful connections.
I'm going off to a higher-education college in a few months, I'm worried and I don't even know why.
Do you care about people?
I don't even know at this point, my grandfather died a few weeks back and I barely felt anything, we weren't that close due to him not making any effort. I felt like I was supposed to be sad but honestly, It feels like most of the time when I feel "sad" for people it's either pity or not genuine.
I've had a lot of bad shit happen throughout my life, I feel like it's affected how I respond to situations and makes it difficult to build relationships.
Any official diagnosis?, were you like this before?, does anything makes you happy? how do you feel about animals?
Being confinated in your house reading these forums can render yourself left in a cynical state, go rape a woman or do something that excites you that features other people to see if you're still alive.
No official diagnosis, I went through an episode of psychosis which lasted throughout most of the first lockdown. I asked to see a doctor at the start because I was seeing and hearing things that weren't there and I would wake up covered in sweat with an adrenaline rush every morning for about 8 months. I cancelled the doctors appointment because I was paranoid that they were "out to get me" or some shit. This episode was started by a breakup and then some self reflecting on all the traumatising shit I was exposed to as a kid.
I've struggled with depressive episodes since I was about 8 when my dad was arrested for some pretty nasty shit, I haven't seen him in 11 years.
The only time I feel genuinely happy is when I drink and reminisce with some friends I've known for a few years, but even then, most of our friendship is based on getting fucked up together and I feel like it's not genuine.
I love animals, they're the only things I feel like I can unconditionally love. I've never had a problem with animals as they always seem to get along with me.
>I've struggled with depressive episodes since I was about 8 when my dad was arrested for some pretty nasty shit, I haven't seen him in 11 years.
Interesting, can't you really just visit him or something?, you should write down notes, because you will be similiar to him.
>The only time I feel genuinely happy is when I drink and reminisce with some friends I've known for a few years, but even then, most of our friendship is based on getting fucked up together and I feel like it's not genuine.
Noice
Then it has to be the social part.
Can I ask you something OP? What kind of animals do you like?
I can relate with reminiscing about good old memories. That's something I do too sometimes when feeling lonely. I hope you'll get over it, I know it's not fun.
He's off his rocker, he isn't fully there mentally and there's a restraining order, I wouldn't even know where to look for him. been through countless therapists since I was 8 and I haven't felt connected to a single one of them. I stopped seeing therapist when I was about 15 because I realised that they're just telling you what you want to hear and usually just don't understand.
I like going out occasionally but only because I'm usually drunk when I do so - so I can be honest
Sure, I have three cats, one recently gave birth to a litter. I've always gotten along well with cats for some reason, they've always been very calm around me
It's something that I do a lot, It's like that feeling when your young and you know summer breaks about to end in a week.
I usually just put my head down and work or constantly distract myself so that I don't have to think about anything, but recently my work hours have been cut due to inflation.
Thank you user.
>so i can be completely honest with people, alcohol makes me feel a lot better about myself and gives me a lot more confidence in my abilities in general.
I had cats too, before I moved out. They're more like my parent's cats. And I know what you mean by working so that you can keep yourself busy, I used to do that. It's a good way of thinking.
>Thank you user
You're welcome mate.
this is mostly because of technology and massive urban sprawl.
everyone i grew up with moved across the country for random reasons and no one gathers in any one place anymore, you're bound to never run into anyone you know, ever. you don't have to write directions anymore, you just have to travel 50x further.
They're good pets, they don't really bother me for anything other than food or when they want to be stroked. It helps me keep my mind of shit and gives me abit of money at the same time.
Take it easy mate
They are, until they start playing with things and making a mess. Thanks, goodnight.
Most likely, I feel like I have no real connection to anybody, relationships feel very superficial and fake or it feels like we're only friends because we've known eachother for so long that anything else would be weird.
I wish I had grown up in the pre internet age.
don't care whiny college teenage fag
Question: are you like that with your girlfriend too or is it just firendships that feel like that?
We're living in a weird area.
don't currently have a gf at the moment, had something going with this slutty and mentally ill latina about a year ago but told her I didn't want to date anymore after 4 months because of how much hassle she was. I only really cared about her for the sexual side, other than that I felt literally nothing towards her.
This has been a common theme in relationships after my first real relationship ended before my psychotic episode. She was the first girl I found genuinely nice to be around and she decided that she wanted to date a friend of a friend instead around the 3 month mark.
Honestly the worst feeling I have ever felt, sent me into a spiralling depression where I didn't eat for days and just stayed in bed trying to sleep as much as possible because I hated my mental state at the time.
This experience has ultimately changed my view on women and I rarely feel any attraction to them other than in a sexual sense. I see this girl occasionally around town and for some reason my heartrate goes through the wall and I feel an intense wave of stress, I also get intense nicotine cravings whenever i see her aswell - this is something that started during my psychotic episode.
When it comes to friends there really isn't much else to say, I just feel like I can have good conversations with them but it feels ingenuine for some reason, I always feel like I'm completely alien.
truly, I don't think it's going to improve any time soon.
What was your first relationship like?
I also wonder something: why don't you feel conversations are real? I suspect something like that too sometimes, but only through the internet. In real life it's very easy to see who is faking it.
my first relationship went pretty well at the start, it was late secondary school shit but I genuinely thought she was perfect in every way, she was very quiet and the only interesting girl I've met so far. we used to walk home after school and do the typical stuff, it wasn't sexual but her personality felt genuine. she was very soft spoken and had a good sense of humour.
The only problem is that my mental health started to decline due to stress and thinking that my home situation was too fucked up for me to date her since having to explain all the shit i've seen and been through makes people look at me differently.
She started dating someone in our friend group, my friend told me she'd apparently given her new boyfriend handjobs and shit, his girlfriend told him and it got passed down the grape vine.
I don't think it really registered with him how badly it affected me since I started getting the symptoms i listed in the last post after he had said this.
even thinking of this situation makes me feel cold.
I feel like most people I talk to or are friends with generally only go along with whatever I'm saying and I do the same. I see how different my conversations are compared to other peoples in my friend group and I feel like i'm an outsider despite knowing most of them since primary school.
sorry to derail the conversation abit but would you like to exchange discords? just don't want this thread to get archived mid conversation