Yesterday I learned I am a horrible person

What has your life and upbringing been like? Depending on your answer, our lives and experiences can be very different and in certain cases, I could never understand your mindset. I dont like playing a victim or using that excuse, but if im gonna be objective and real, ive undeniably been a victim of many terrible things. It falls into the question if free will truly exists, and you can make compelling arguments for either side. I can say im ultimately in control of my own actions and decisions, but its also an objective truth that external stimuli is what programs the brain and forms your thoughts and character over time through memories and experiences.

I would say i had a perfect upbringing
No violence, always had healthy whole food, everything i would ever need or want was provided to me in the upper middle class

No problem.

I should say, I actually started a diary and started taking notes in 2016 during my Jordan Peterson phase. I have lived my own advice. I wrote and wrote, and the more I wrote the more I discovered about myself. Some of it was good, most of it was bad.

Keeping a diary helped me come to terms with family relationships, and those are important. But you need to realize that if you are not forgiven, you will still have to live with yourself and the bridges you have burned. You will need a strong constitution for this, and writing will help with that also.

There are bad things inside all of us. Confronting them is the first step. Even if you're a bad person, you should love yourself.

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Well in that case, we may as well be opposites then. Sometimes I wish I could see myself in another dimension where my life and upbringing was like that, and I would see if im still a terrible person or not, it would bring a sort of peace to my mind. I also seek forgiveness, except for when I dont.

How can i possibly love myself anymore
Yesterday i realized i am extremely self centered and egotistical and i have always been like that ever since i was a kid

I know for certain i would be the same terrible person if my upbringing was like yours

You will come to terms, one way or the other. The first step is recognition, and unfortunately that will entail a lot of self hatred. You are going to hate yourself as you write, but the alternative is to ruminate endlessly in your head which will lead to the same self-hatred but less to show for it. You need to get it out in words, because that will guide your introspection in a much more deliberate way. You will be forced to think about what you are thinking and why.

You can be a self-centered and egotistical person. This does not make you irredeemable. Even if it means the bridges stay burnt, even if you realize in the end that you are "irredeemable" in the end, the expression of your inner world is a valuable thing and it defines you as a person. It is what redeems you, it is what redeems us. You need to engage with the worst parts of yourself and find a way to cope.

Are you still on speaking terms with any of the people you've wronged? You should open up to them after thinking/writing for a week, and take notes about what they have to say also. Another user talked about confessing at a church, but I think it would be much more productive to confess to the people you've wronged directly if possible.

They might forgive you, they might not. They might engage, they might shut you out. Whatever happens, you need to be okay with what you are. You will come to terms, one way or another. You are at war with your own head. Welcome to individuation.

You can do this, user. I believe in you.

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Im still on speaking terms with my parents
Ive been laying in bed ever since the trip and pretending to be asleep when they open the door
I left my room once for food heated up leftovers for me
I shouted at my neighbors children. They will probably never want to see or hear me again. After this my dad took me for a drive and i shouted at a lot of cars and more children on a playground. I can never redeem myself to those people. It is honestly a miracle the police werent called and no one was hurt. I am most afraid of my parents being mentally scarred and never being able to look at me the same way again because my biggest insecurities and desires were just pouring out of me and i was saying extremely mean personal things to them

It's very good that you're on speaking terms! That means your parents care. And you care about your parents too, obviously. That is a valuable thing.

So I'm also in the same boat. I lived a privileged life, but I still turned out an autistic fuckup who would spend his days drinking alone his bedroom, shouting and terrifying my mother.

I think that good living conditions undermine a lot of recourse we have when it comes to forgiving ourselves, and it also blinds us when it comes to insight and introspection. For a long time I would fixate on thoughts like "I had everything given to me, and I just wasted it all", and that would lead me into spirals that reinforced negative thoughts which lead me to negative behaviours to relieve them (such as addiction and anger in my case). But life is not that simple. Kindness makes us weak sometimes, and the road to hell is paved with good intentions. This makes it harder for you to forgive yourself, especially when you feel that you've been given so much for nothing.

But it was not for nothing, user. Your parents love you.

Start writing stuff down, and talk to your parents. Their feelings are important too.

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I am going to start writing now. Thank you user

Not a problem.

I mean the simple answer to all of this is to stroll up to your folks and say "wooooah parent bros I was FUCKED UP on acid lmaooo!" but that won't serve you in the long term. Gotta think long term about this stuff, especially when it comes to forgiving yourself.

I hope it goes well, m8.