"And our next comic for our open mic night is... user!"

A ukrainian kid runs up to his grandpa and shouts:
Grandpa! Grandpa! Russians went to space!
The grandpa looks at him in joyous disbelief and asks: All of them?

i just flew in from Albuquerque and boy my arms are tired

So I was at this bar and a black girl started talking to me. I haven't spoke to many black girls before and she was really nice, well-spoken, and down to earth! Anyways, next moment I find her, she's sitting indian-style on the floor EATING A BANANA!

So, I read Lena Dunham's book recently, and I thought it was very interesting how she's both a radical muslim and a radical feminist. I thought the dots on her head were just acne scars before I heard about how she raped her sister with rocks. I love Muslims though, how one can be so religious and yet also indulge in the hippy lifestyle is beyond me. Like, this isn't woodstock why do you need so much acid?

this one is the only one that made me laugh

A dog walks into a bar and says. Its dark in here, I think I'll open this one.

Alright Hitler plays a round of soccer against the Jews in Auschwitz.
Who wins? The jews, they've got the home advantage.

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visibly trip on the way up and say
>sorry, I'm not used to this standup thing

I walk up the stairs to the stage and clear my throat. "Evening everyone. I'll make this quick." I say as I adjust the collar of my shirt.
"Ok so, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum. And one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away into the moonlight. Stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see... y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says, 'Hey, I have a flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me!' But the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was halfway across!'"
The audience stares at me after, clearly not liking my joke. As they stare with confusment painted across their face, suddenly the gas erupts from the vents. The Gas fills the room quickly, causing everyone who inhaled it to begin laughing uncontrollably and forcing their facial muscles into a smile. they all laugh themselves to death. "Ah...a Clean House." I say to myself. I walk off the stage.

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laughed
chuckled
If I were in the audience I'd say some retarded shit like "then sitdown"

You know what I love about these open mic things? There's really no way for me to come out of this as anything but a winner. Either you folks are gonna have a good time, or I'm about to become best friends with the guy coming on after me.

Guffawed

do you see this two weevils?

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