I began writing my suicide note

I got my depression diagnosis a few years back, but I never took it seriously. I recall asking for an appointment with a psychiatrist because my parents were being harsher on me every day, I couldn't handle it, so I thought that if I got a diagnosis then they'd go easier on me for not being able to fulfill their expectations. When the appointment came I said pretty much everything that's usually associated with depression, I didn't really lie at all, but I knew what I was doing at all time, I wanted to receive that diagnosis so I could tell my parents about it, I wanted a diagnosis just to use it as a shield.

Because of the way I got my diagnosis, I never managed to take it seriously, to me I was always just faking depression so that I could have an excuse for my laziness, it felt fake and manipulative, which is why I never really bothered with getting help, afterall, help is for people that are actually sick. One problem I've had though is that if I was faking it then I should be able to stop at any time, and I haven't. I've been spending most days in bed, sometimes just staring at the ceiling, with no desire to do things, no pleasure, I dread tomorrow, I breakdown and have anxiety attacks often, I feel like I'm sick.

Well, recently this has gotten more extreme, I've been studying suicide methods for some time, and at first I was fond of the exit bag, but last year I began to reconsider as I looked for something more accessible, and sodium nitrite won me over, I bought it, it's hidden in my room, in my wardrobe. Today I began working on my suicide note, there's still a lot to do before I finish it, but it's happening. I'm starting to get the feeling that this isn't just me faking it, because I can't stop doing it, I'm just sinking deeper every day and I don't know how to stop it, this feels too real, and now it feels like it's too late.

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I put myself through thr hassle of reading your blog and you've yet to tell me a single reason why you want to kill yourself.

Fuck sorry you have to deal with this shit :/ as someone who is currently also dealing with horrible anxiety and depression i can totally understand your desire to end it all... i can try to tell you that killing yourself is not a good thing and all of that but at the end it's up to you,have you ever been on therapy or medication? is really so unbearable that death is the only option you have? maybe there's another way user...

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I'm sorry for writing a blog, and I thank you for reading through it all. I suppose I could try to explain it, but I could end up writing too much again, either way I'll do my best to keep it short. I have no purpose in life, nothing I'm pursuing due to positive emotion and few things I particularly enjoy doing, at times I feel like I've almost built a resistance to dopamine and serotonin as positive emotion is weak on me when it happens from time to time. Almost everything I've ever done, and all of the most important decisions in my life, were done in an attempt to get external validation due to my lack of self love and lack of direction, but I've reached the point where that isn't enough to fulfill me anymore, I've spent my whole life trying to live the goals and dreams of other people, and when it became clear to me that I couldn't do it anymore I also realized that I didn't have my own, there's nothing I want out of life besides avoiding my own suffering, which leads to life feeling like nothing but running away, which is exhausting.

I've tried medication for almost a year, but gave up on it because it didn't have any effect on me, I know you're supposed to keep trying different medication, but I was too frustrated at it, too hopeless, I didn't want medication to give me false hope only to not work and leave me dissapointed, I could bear it. Therapy was something I tried for a bit longer, but it never really helped, at all, it just felt to me like my therapist didn't take me and my struggles seriously, and I feel that because of that I was never able to open up truly, out of a fear of being judged or exposed somehow. I do feel like maybe I don't have to die, and I do understand that it'd be less painful for the people around me for me to stay alive as a failure than for me being dead, but while it'd be easier on others, it wouldn't be on me, I'd have to endure suffering without positive drives in life.

>second reply
so neither therapy nor meds worked for you? shit,you committed a big mistake by not fully opening up to your psychiatrist,that's completely the point of therapy to let everything bothering out,they were not going to judge you because it's their job,while reading the first answer it seems like you totally lack a purpose in life,so you don't have any motivation to improve and you find that death is the only way out,and i can totally relate to you because it's literally me,i don't really know what to tell you because I'm basically on the same boat but maybe just maybe you should try to give all the little remaining energy of your being,try to find your purpose it doesn't have to be something amazing,just something little to keep you on,don't give up user please
:(

Wypipo really needs to get some sort of overpriced diagnosis papers to know they are depressed?

I suppose I didn't give medication and therapy a fair chance, due to my own inexperience with them and mental illness in general at the time, especially because I was so filled with self doubt and guilt aswell, now that I've gotten to the point of buying tools for a method and writing a note I should take my own illness seriously and stop blaming myself and thinking that I'm faking it, it's clearly real. I'll see how things go from now on, depending on the circumstances and how well I can bear it all then I'll look into giving them another try, user. I hope you can find a way to overcome your own struggles with mental health too, you're a kind person and I wish you well.

With me it was more of a desire to have proof that there's something wrong with me and that it isn't my fault, saying that I feel depressed wouldn't matter much, I needed something with more authority, and a doctor's opinion seemed like the best option I had, at least at that time to me.

>sodium nitrite won me over
I've studied suicide methods too, but what's the procedure for this one? Asking for a friend of course

I'll admit that it's been a few months since the last time I've read the exact procedures, it could involve many medications to make sure you don't throw up or anything like that, antiemetics, either way I recall many people pulling it off with the SN alone, so it's what I want to try, I'll also drink some vodka because I feel that when I'm drunk I feel more inclined to do it, it helps, I'll take about 25g of it in water, it's the recommended quantity if I recall correctly, I might go for 30g due to me being big, just to make sure. Sanctioned-Suicide is the website that has most of the detailed information for it, and the Peaceful Pill eHand Book aswell.

Still, do you want to talk about it, user? What are your reasons for wanting to do it? I feel like maybe both of us should give life one last chance before leaving.

>1 answer
I really hope you don't give up yet and I wish you can find some strength to keep fighting this crap,you're definitely not faking this and if you give therapy or medication a real chance I hope that this time you find at least a little improvement,we might be on different parts of the world but remember that there are tons of people dealing with the same problem you and me are,idk about you but knowing that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one feeling like shit and lost makes me feel a little less alone,weird probably,also thank you for your good wishes,i hope you,me and everyone in the same situation can overcome it,I hope at least you have a good sleep tonight,cheers

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you will commit suicide soon and you say you're faking depression? this is a symptom user, get rid of the sodium nitrite as soon as possible and try treatments, therapies, medications (recommended by your doctor) etc. You can never know what the life will bring you in several years. Get some change in your life, move to a new place, go for a walk at 3 in the morning, or drink some herbal tea instead of coffee. I think you are bored, like all of us :) You need one more chance.

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Shut up you bitch try being trans for one day.
You can't even succeed on normal difficulty.
Try TRYING for once instead of sitting in your room being a mopey little bitch

I'll look into trying therapy and medications again if I can find the strength, the next few weeks will be decisive for me due to a few things that are going to happen which could push me over the edge, if I survive that then I'll try giving life one more chance. I love the idea of nightwalks, but I live with my parents and they've always been overprotective, I'm also not in the condition to move out, but I'll try talking them into it because it sounds so comfortable, I'd love it, it's better than spending the night in my room looking at the ceiling again, that's for sure. I don't think I can get rid of my sodium nitrite though, I didn't but it just to do it immediately, I also bough it because I knew that having it there would make things easier for me, it brings me comfort having it.

Can you put "user was here" on it? A shout out would be nice

What the fuck you stupid bastard, you're disgusting

Immediate things are bad user. You can fuck everything up by saying just one word when you are angry/sad/disappointed. You should calm down until you decide, anger/sadness poisons your decisions as many studies suggest. I think getting rid of that would make things better since you will have time to think when whatever happens, instead of using that sodium nitrite to end it asap.

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Qq nobody gives a shit about your tragic artist life.
You're not an artist.
You're just a fucking loser with shitty parents.
Grow fucking up and stop crying because women don't land on your dick in your nicktoons SpongeBob bob
Fucking put some effort in
And blaming your lack of effort on MUH MEME DEPRESSION

i wrote that here, i'm not op and you're fucking disgusting. women doesn't mean everything to some people like it does to brain-molten people like you. fuck off and try to be a nice person for one day.

I know it's not really good for me having it there, but don't worry, I don't see myself using it unless I'm 100% sure on wanting to end it, it really has been there all of this time because, well, everytime I get back home from another bad day, knowing that it's there, knowing there's a way out, it helps, it calms me down. I'm sorry, user, I know you mean well, but while I'm willing to try therapy and medications, getting rid of my SN is the one thing I seriously can't do, I'm not strong enough.

Don't write the note user, it'll just give you more excuse to go through with it and you want to avoid that. You shouldn't kill yourself. It is okay to be depressed, I have the same symptoms as you. It's also okay for you to not have gotten help, it's a difficult thing to live with let alone do anything about, and it's difficult to actually get real help because, in my case, even doctors have been useless and ended up saying the equivalent of "well we cant help you its up to you to fix it". Medication didn't work for me, and I truly believe therapy would be no use for me in particular, but these two things work for a bunch of people.
You already feel like shit, and then worrying what other people think of you or that you are just lazy and shit like that make it worse. It's okay to just exist user, no matter what anyone else thinks, you don't have to be always doing things or achieving/chasing goals or anything else to justify existing. And very few people will actually understand or empathise properly with how you're feeling, normies just don't get it at all, there's maybe one member in all of my family who even comprehends remotely. I recall my step dad being unable to comprehend that I had no desire to do anything at all, he just couldn't wrap his head around it and like normies do, they get angry when that happens. So ignore people like thats opinions and terrible 'advice'

please dont sui, user. i know shit is tough, and i'd be lying if i didnt think about suicide, but its not the right answer. You're a good person user, and you matter, and the world is a better place with you in it.

anons on Any Forums are really the only people i interact with. you and everyone else are, in a messed up way, some of my dearest friends. so please hang around and shitpost with the rest of us, user. thats all i ask.

here's one of my all time favorite memes to help.

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OK user, I trust you. I don't know if you have any power to stand some noise but please, have a cigar and relax.
youtu.be/tbdpv7G_PPg

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I appreciate the advice, user, but I'd like to keep the note ready even if it's just out of precaution, I wouldn't like to leave without clearing some things up and saying a few things to people I'm fond of, but I feel that depending on what happens to me in the next couple of weeks I might feel a need to leave and won't have it in me to write anything before doing so, I have similar feelings regarding this note that I have towards my SN, it's good to have, just in case really. I'm really sorry about your situation, medication simply not working, and having doctors essentially admit they can't do anything, sounds genuinely scary, I'd try therapy really, even if you think it won't be of any use, because there's always a chance you might be wrong I guess, I also hope your family can be more understanding of you in the future, that disconnect between you and them sounds really painful.

hey its that wojak meme but with anime grill

Thank you, user. I wish you the best, you've been very kind to me.

I laughed at the meme, so I thank you for that, user, laughing is one of the few copes that still work a bit, comedy in general, it's pleasent. I'll do what others here have suggested and try therapy and medication again if I don't die in the next few weeks, I have some things coming up that I'd rather not talk about much, but it'll be decisive, if I can survive them, then I'll give life one more chance, it's all up to chance at this point.