Hi So today I was walking to work when I saw a funeral in progress at Forest Lawn cemetery. Since I was already wearing a suit (required for my job) and I was pretty early for work, I decided to pop in to see what was going on. I walked up the marble path, up to a rather large memorial service (about 250-300 people) for what appeared to be a baby that had died shortly after birth. The family really went all out, the tombstone was massive and the coffin had gold embroidering, really nice. The people looked about what you would expect, all dressed up, mothers were crying, and even a few fathers couldn't hold back their tears. Well about 15 minutes in, after the opening hymn, people started to filter up to the microphone to express their condolences to the family. The grandfather said some words about how everything is a blessing even if it doesn't seem like it, the brother of the father reassured the family that, if they ever needed anything, that the family was there for them. Then a man walked up, about in his late 40's, and said "Although I don't really know the family, or the deceased that well, I want to say, I'm sorry for your loss. I too have lost a child." He walked from the mic, over to the families, shook their hand and walked away.
He didn't know the family? So, it seemed ANYONE could say something at the funeral. I straightened my tie, put on my most sorrowful expression, and walked towards the front. I approached the man holding the microphone and, in my most solemn tone, asked if I might say a few words. The man smiled warmly and handed me the microphone, completely oblivious to what was about to happen. I turned to face the crowd, all intently looking at me with the most melancholy and tearful eyes you've ever seen. I cleared my throat and said my piece: "What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I DON'T FUCK A SANDWICH BEFORE I EAT IT!" The crowd was horrified. The sound manager tried to unplug the speakers before I could finish my joke, but to no avail; he didn't react fast enough and couldn't get himself together before the punchline rang through the cemetery. The crowd went fucking batshit. The reaction started with sheer shock and horror, and ended in a blind rage, with everyone, even some of the WWII veterans and grandmothers in the crowd, trying to tackle me to the ground. Being that I was a football running back in high school, I was much faster than everyone there. Good thing too, God knows what would have happened if they caught me. Probably have thrown me into the grave with their failure of a living baby. I had to run around for a bit, but I eventually made my way to the western exit. I've never had so many lulz in my entire life.
So what did you guys do today?
Jeremiah Jones
Life can be quite cruel
John Smith
>woke up at 8am >shotgunned 5 beers >smoked weed >bf drove us to my parents house >ate dinner and socialized >came home with more beer >drank all night and made bf watch youtube videos I like >he went to bed at 11pm >awake by myself at midnight now Also, a gross man at the gas station called me honey or some shit and I got so mad. Your funeral post is so depressing my day was way better. I got to get drunk and get my mommy's homecooking. And I did no work. I'm like a princess
John Morris
Gay bitch. If you think that's depressing, you have no sense of humor and you need to fuck off back to Facebook. If he's not fucking LARPing, this man is a legend.
Ryan Jenkins
Who said you could post in my thread, whore. Inshallah you are raped to death by a pack of rabid niggers
Dylan Hernandez
>wwii vets My grandpa was one and I do not think any wwii vets have the vigor to tackle someone or remember 5 seconds ago Reminds me of the time I crashed a bah mitzvah, prom, and wedding. I used to give presentations on papers and shit as a kid so I would travel a lot and always have a suit. Occasionally the hotels had events I would sneak into and fuck around in. Sounds fun if true op it is a clown world. Build memorable experiences. I love my crazy life stories from doing retarded shit no one else would since I have no empathy.
Carter Thomas
My grandma's funeral was very recent so it's still fresh in my mind. The emotions there were so raw and everyone was grieving so hard. I just can't find this funny You are gay
Luis Rodriguez
I'd like to say that I'm sorry for your loss, but considering how you turned out, she's probably in hell.
Nathan Phillips
It's such an obvious turn for the joke but I still chuckled, fuck you OhPee.
