When I was young my dad always told me to wear a condom. Because any girl who would sleep with me would sleep with anybody.
I sexually identify as a vacuum cleaner. I mostly get pushed around by women.
A husky, a pitbull and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle. The poodle says she's go with whoever can use "Liver" and "Cheese" in a sentence. "That's easy" replied the husky "I love liver and I love cheese." "That won't do" replied the poodle. So then the pitbull says "I hate liver and I hate cheese" "That won't do either" replied the poodle. So then the chihuahua gets up on all fours and yells "Liv-er alone. Che-se mine."
Q. What kind of milk do you get from a cow with no legs? A. Dragon milk.
Jokes are like people. The dark ones tend to make me uncomfortable.
Dark jokes are like rights. Not everybody gets them.
Stop stereotyping Canadians. They're such nice people.
Swedish scientists have written an AI capable of posting comments on the internet. Critics are now fearful of Artificial Swede-ners.
Before I started working out I had trouble picking up girls. Now I can toss them in my trunk no problem,
Q. Why can't you trust The Russian Press? A. Because they don't have any definite articles.
I had to end things with my Communist girlfriend. There were too many Red Flags.
Q. What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations? A. Incest-ors.
Luke Nguyen
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street. The priest notices a 12 year old boy and says to the rabbi "hey man you wanna go screw that kid with me?". The rabbi replies "I don't know how much cash do you think he has on him"
Nathaniel Cox
An old lady knocks on a door.
Door opens and a 5 ear old in overalls, smoking a giant cigar, answers.
The old lady is frazzled but asks “is your mother home, dear?”
The kid looks up at her angrily, and with the cigar still In his mouth says, “What the fuck do you think?”
Nolan Brown
How many niggers does it take to start a riot? Negative one.
Blake Wilson
>what’s worse than ants in your pants
Don’t leave me hangin here, faggot. This’ll bother me all day.
Bentley Long
Date: I'm instantly attracted to men with power. Me: I just paid my electric bill.
Q. What do you call music with a pH greater than 7? A. Base boosted.
A brunette told her blonde friend she slept with a Brazilian. So the blonde said "Wow, how many is a Brazilian?"
There are approximately 6.022 times 10 to the 23rd guacs in a guacamole. This is known as Avocado's Number.
Q. What did the Biology student say when his sister stepped on his foot? A. Mitosis.
I'm in a band called "The Palindromes." Our first single is "If I had a HiFi."
>What's worse than ants in your pants? Jews in your shoes.
Joseph Roberts
ZING! My bad bro i got distracted fucking jannie filth Banned me again for evasion
Asher Nguyen
My girlfriend said she wanted to do it doggystyle. So I licked her face, peed on her carpet and bit her mailman.
Date: I'm a vet so I work with animals Me: My boss is a bitch and all my coworkers are asses.
Q. What's better than roses on your piano? A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What award does a couch potato earn? A. A-tropy.
I love my pet unicorn. He always consoles me whenever I regret taking a hit of acid.
Angel Davis
How do you know that you're in a jewish cafe? There's a fork in the sugar bowl.
Hunter Hughes
Man and his wife have been married over 40 years. The man has on and off health problems, and the topic eventually comes up on what to do when the man passes Man: when I pass dear, will you remarry? Woman: yes, after all we have 4 children in need of guidance and stability, it would be best for everybody. Man: that's hard to hear but you are absolutely right. We built a strong and loving family, I know that it will be the right thing.
Man: ... will he live in our house? Woman: dear, I would prefer to live in the home we built together. Wouldn't that be best? If I live here it seems he would too Man: that's a rough one but you are also right about that. I love you and trust your judgment
Man: ... will he sleep in my bed? Woman: yes, eventually that man will come to fill every role to keep our family whole. Our grandkids, our children, friends and family will all know I am safe and taken care of Man: that's the hardest pill to swallow if I'm honest. But dear... you are again right, I love you and the family we made together, if it will happen then it will happen
Man: ... will he use my golf clubs? Woman: (laughs) haha! No, he's left handed
Nicholas Kelly
the first one is funny. lol
Justin Jones
>Man playing the true detective long game
Noah Martin
>Q. Why can't you trust The Russian Press? >A. Because they don't have any definite articles. HA
