Brit/pol/ lil joshys PSA edition

bbc.co.uk/news/uk-58207064

I've never been someone to get attached to people, or get in deep with people, I'm mostly a hermit and keep to myself, quality over quantity and all that. so its not like this is a regular thing for me. completely out of the ordinary
she was the one who made the initial advances, making emotional gestures / offers, declaring that she feels things for me and all that shite
I already knew I felt something for her at this point in time, she probably knew too considering how much time I was investing in her. I just didn't really think about it or acknowledge it because I was quite content where I was in life and i just liked talking to her desu
in my head, this was all completely fine because she was sorting her life out. was looking at regaining her much sought after independence and what not, so i saw no issue investing in her. any other circumstances and I would've just found out who her "ex" was and inboxed him desu because cheaters are the lowest of the low regardless of circumstances
but yeah, over time it got deeper, we eventually met, the chemistry was actually insane, only way I can describe what it felt like was it was like being at home, I even said to her once I could well be homeless with her and be content as fuck
the heavier it got between us the more we talked about her future and tried to figure out her options for moving out and starting fresh

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during this time period more details came out about what she was actually experiencing where she was. apparently her "ex" was abusive, he'd batter her, he'd batter the cats, she'd have to hide knives, he'd try to set fire to the flat etc
naturally I start getting extremely fucking anxious about this whole situation because by this point I thought she was the first person I actually loved, in any sense of the word and I just wanted her to be safe
I started having nightmares, I woke up every hour during the night most nights just to check my phone in case something happened and she's gotten in touch and I've not woken up in time. I even started drinking to circumvent this issue and help me sleep
eventually, things get toxic. we had small misunderstandings that get blown out proportion, I tell myself its because of the stress of her situation
but then she gets abusive. starts saying and doing things intentionally to make me feel bad, starts saying hurtful things, when all I ever did was try and focus on solving problems
she even tried pushing physical boundaries with me a few times. namely, tried punching me in the balls after us play fighting. I told her no, way too far, she didn't care, we even argued over it

I kept trying to rationalise it all by telling myself its her situation, she's not like this really. and I put up with it because again, I just wanted her to be alright. first person I've ever actually deeply cared about, that was my primary concern, her wellbeing
felt like I was going through heartbreak every day, my anxiety was through the roof because I was constantly waiting for bad news or for another argument or something
I did try and communicate this, but nothing changed, it got worse in fact
but again I convinced myself it was her situation, not her, not me, and if the circumstances changed then the overall vibe would
so I did what all great mugs do, offered to change everything about my life, for her
told her that she could move here if she wanted, wouldn't charge her rent as its already covered, I live minimally so outgoings would be minimal, I love cats, so thats sorted, technically they're not allowed in these flats but it could be temp and we'd find somewhere else. if it didn't work out between us I'd make sure she was sorted with somewhere else to go. I even got a couple of my mates involved and my own mother just so she knew she had a safety net

basically I was willing to completely turn my life upside down and even uproot myself just so she was safe
sometimes to help with this I would ring around and get info to aid with the whole move thing and see what support was available, getting in touch with things like women's aid
one night she told me he'd been hitting her again and I lost my shit, I was basically having a sustained panic attack for almost 24hrs, I was manic
she also told me for the first time that it wasn't just as easy as moving out, it would have to be on his terms because if she left on her terms he would cause havoc for her entire family
i had to do something, anything
so I rang the police, saying specifically, repeatedly, I was only ringing for advice for future help. explained the situation to them, naively believed they'd take the best course of action based on what I told them. I gave them a general overview of the situation and my details along with hers, stupid in retrospect
they decided to do a welfare check (obviously looking for an arrest), despite it obvioiusly not being the best course of action due to the circumstances and how it could effectively cause a kick off

they didn't care, they found her address and her parents, went to both addresses
massive kick off, she denied we'd ever been involved with each other, to me, said we were never a thing, because I never asked her, even though she said we were together numerous times, called me her fella, told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, even talked about having a family with me
after this, she turned on me completely, made me out to be abusive, narcissistic, accused me of pretty much everything she did to me, even accused me of being like her abusive "ex", constantly comparing us, making me out to be "just like him"
for the first time in the entire time we were involved I lost my shit, I'd never really gotten angry before, only at the end when she came at me hard. and you know what she did? she acted like I was being irrational. she pushed me to my absolute limits, broke them, broke me, then pointed the finger at me for being broken and made out to be a bad person for it

and then she ghosted me. she didn't block me, she didn't cut off all contact. she just stopped talking to me. she was hiding in plain sight to punish me. I had no idea what was going on, I was mindfucked to the point of not being able to function. all I wanted was an explanation, an apology, closure, I didn't get any of it. and still to this day I've never gotten any of it. when I finally did get responses out of her. it was more accusations, demonisations with some mixed in fake attempts to feign sadness and act like she cared, when the rest of the time she was doing whatever she could to hurt me. eventually I just cut her off entirely and haven't even considered getting back in touch since, nor will I
but now, I think, from day one all she ever wanted was attention and to feel good, because she felt bad where she was. and everything she did was based on that. from the declarations of feelings, to love, to talking about a future, to the starting massive arguments over small misunderstandings, to the stories about abuse, to the ghosting in plain sight, to the gaslighting, to the accusations. it was all about compensating for what she lacked where she was. she just wanted me to make her feel good, and wanted to feel like she had power over me because she was powerless in her own life. and thats all it was from the beginning
and today, for me this was pretty much confirmed, because today I found out she's still living with that same "ex", and its been almost a year since this all began

so the moral of the story folks, is don't get involved with anyone if they are even remotely involved with anyone else. I don't care if they tell you its their ex or whatever else, I don't care about the circumstances. do not do it. people nowadays will use you, will say and do whatever it takes to take from you what they can't get from someone else they for whatever reason do not want to leave. if someone isn't all in with you, if they're not all about you, if they're not giving you consistent, genuine, legitimate energy with no complications. kick them to the fucking curb, and I mean at the first indication of this type of bullshit
like I said earlier, I've never been one to get in deep with people. I've always thought relationships, and family and stuff like that are important. but I've always been pretty lighthearted with them in my own life because I know when something's deep and when its not, or so I thought. and this past situation, while I may have healed from it to a massive degree, I'm still struggling with, and it drove me into the deepest depression of my entire life. its just not worth it. like I can't state that enough, it simply is not worth it. people that lack things in their own life and see you as a way to attain those things will ruin you. love is about giving to someone because you love them, its not about taking, or gaining. and if someone isn't pouring all they have into you like that, then they don't love you, nor do they care about you. and I wish I understood this as I do now, this time last year. because I wouldn't still be battling with this today

nobody who loves you will bring you into any sort of a third party situation under any circumstances, nobody who loves you will try to hurt you, nobody who loves you will be inconsistent, nobody who loves you will gaslight you, ghost you, give you the silent treatment, make promises they don't intend to keep, nobody who loves you will try to tear you down to prop themselves up
anyway, there's my rant or vent, and there's my PSA. I don't like people in general, because I don't think there are many people out there that aren't capable of this. but please heed my warning because things like this can absolutely ruin you

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why am i reading the ramblings of some sort of incel

rah daniel cieslak exposed