I have ruined me n tops relationship

I have ruined me n tops relationship

leaned too hard and showed too much of faults, as well as too much insecurity towards them and now we spend significantly time together compared to before. Everytime I reach out to them to ask if we can do things more often together like we used to, the distance increases because I drive them further into the corner.

Help, do I just let go and let them do their thing for a while?
Relationship currently 8/10 times makes me depressed to think about but I do love them.
The current situation just fuggin sucks and it feels like I can't do anything about it that wont make it worse

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Be open about how you feel

I saw you make this thread the first time. I think the first draft was better, what gives

Alright yeah you need to do two things
a.) show a little more strength and independence, don't beg, don't blow up his phone, don't PRESSURE him or guilt him. put a little more focus on other things in your life. give him a little space and let him make a move or two, let him come to you.
b.) make the relationship fun again. relationships are a source of support but it can't JUST be about him supporting you or else you're just sucking energy out of him, and that might be why he is retreating from you a bit. you also need to bring some joy and fun into each other's lives. think of some fun things that he might like to do that he might like company for.

tl;dr pull back for a little while. wait for him to reach out to you. when he does, nothing heavy, something fun. bonding activities, not demanded intimacy.

Break up with him. I've been on the guy's end. Giving space usually translates for 'why am I still tied to this person I don't even talk to'. Painful experience for everyone. If you cut him out suddenly. he'll instantly get hurt and remember why he loved you. Doesn't mean things can be as they were, but you'll have the door open for future happiness.
If breaking up is out of the question, try being positive, loving and giving. Work on removing your own resentments from within yourself. As you do that, interactions will be a lot less uncomfortable.

I thought it was too long/boring, so tried to shorten it, I could try n grab first draft again if you like though.

I've tried, it makes them feel really really bad, like they're fucking up everything, and even though we agree on a way forward they become more distant each time

a) mm, I've been attempting this with limited success, but it feels nice to hear it is a good way forward, even if its hard, that maybe things are salvageable
b)
This ones really hard since it hurts really bad when I try to get us to do stuff together n he says theres no time for it his end (60 hour weeks often, important detail I honestly should have kept in post) I wanna make him happy, and let him have fun, but I don't feel like I know how to make it something we do together. am I brainworming too hard and should just pick something and ask if we can sometime in the week every once in a while?

oh wait the tl dr....hmmm, alright, I'll pull back first for a bit n then lead into second.

I think it would hurt him a lot if I did, maybe worse than me. I'd like to avoid it if I can.
the second part, I can try. It feels really difficult but, I really want to be someone he can be proud to be with.


Thank you all for the advice, genuinely

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>I thought it was too long/boring, so tried to shorten it, I could try n grab first draft again if you like though.
The archive caught it:
archiveofsins.com/lgbt/thread/27435591/

can a top help me?

I leaned too hard on top bf, was too open with how I felt. I think they've started passively talking to me less as a result, and lost respect for me even if they pretend to themselves that they still do. They recently got us rings(just as a sweet thing not engagement) but the rings mean so much less to me than the way we used to talk with one another. Did I ruin the relationship by exposing my worries too much? I also ask them why we can't spend time like we used to and...it never leads anywhere. I feel they've decided, maybe without realizing to distance themselves while still enjoying the old idea of me, but I messed with their idealized version too much, so now its over I think. Any tops or insightful bottoms have advice?

Could be other life stresses but, its been almost 4 months now of things being this way out of 9 months relationship....

a lil trick i like to use to spend time with someone without taking all their energy is to find something that i want to do alone and simply ask if the other person wants to be near me while im doing that thing. like. if you have a laptop or idk nintendo switch or some shit, ask if u can just hang out and play games or just watch youtube videos or whatever you like to do when ur alone and bored, and just do it at their apartment instead of ur own. they dont have to talk to u because ur keeping urself entertained, but you CAN talk because ur so close, eat food together, watch something, whatever. idk if this is any help to ur current situation since i dont know too many details.

>am I brainworming too hard and should just pick something and ask if we can sometime in the week every once in a while?
yea it doesn't need to be anything big. point is you need balance. you didn't do wrong by opening up to him, but even if he really cares about you, you can make yourself a source of added stress for him if all you're doing is opening up about heavy stuff and leaning on him for support. you have to balance that out by being a source of support and happiness for him as well. help him relax and make him smile sometimes, don't just pile more weight on him. make him look forward to spending time with you.

This isn't advice; it's just my personal experience with something sort of similar.

When I first met my last ex, I told her right away who I was, and what my romantic expectations were. When I first asked her to spend time with me, we did. But the second time, she didn't respond. I followed it up with a message changing the topic after a few hours, which she responded to right away. I thought maybe she just didn't see my previous message, since I've done that before accidentally. But the next time, she did it again.

So I stopped having the expectation of her even hanging out with me. there was a lot of other noise I'm not including. But, she did eventually "warm up" to hanging out with me, in her own words. But, she would later tell me that, in those early weeks- even months- of the relationship, she "wasn't taking it that seriously". I linked her a dumb post I once made elaborating on the romance I sought, and she later told me she didn't even read it, at the time, or ever, when I asked about it.

Without mentioning the abuse/neglect otherwise, I feel I asked for the bare minimum, she agreed to enter a relationship meeting me on as much, but, she ultimately refused to spare me even that. I felt less than alone at the time, and felt she had left me to take a hint to not even have the expectation of her wanting me. It turns out I was right.

The relationship ended terribly. Fundamental parts of my identity were things she only revealed too late to ever be fair to be things she hated, and wanted me to forfeit, or purge. She expected so much compromise from me, in every regard, especially my privacy. In her last "conversation" with me, the most hurtful words was her essentially saying she never loved me, and never could unless I were removed from all I ever told her I was.

My point is simply, even though I've never been loved before, I imagine it involves wanting you in your entirety, without compromise. You had that hope originally, but lost it. Wake up.

works out, on re reading again another reason I redid was the last part being unfair to say the enjoying old idea of me, even if part of me feels that way

mm mm, I didn't mention since I know its a meme but, LDR unfortunately(yeah, huge detail but was afraid everyone would come n say its over), but that does sound really useful for when I visit. They don't really like hopping into voice unfortunately, unless we're doing doing something, it seems much more draining for them than text. I think since they're usually not at their computer. advice for how to maybe do something similar over text or a way to make it less draining in this situation?

>you didn't do wrong by opening up to him
hearing this, really helped me inside, thank you
>you have to balance that out by being a source of support and happiness for him as >well. help him relax and make him smile sometimes, don't just pile more weight on >him. make him look forward to spending time with you.
that makes a lot of sense, genuinely. I had similar thoughts in a way sometimes but, the way you put it here feels like it put things into much better, healthier perspective on it in my mind.

I really want to be a happy influence in his life. He is truly the sweetest, funnest people I'm too lucky to have met. I love him dearly, and I hope I can keep this perspective in mind, and work on being more independent so I can ease his shoulders. He definitely deserves it.

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>Fundamental parts of my identity were things she only revealed too late to ever be fair to be things she hated,
i had this happen with my last ex. the story you're telling is.. shockingly similar. thank you for sharing.
>the most hurtful words was her essentially saying she never loved me
she told me, verbatim, "i mistook pitying you for loving you". she was my best friend for 10 years. it still makes me cry thinking about.
>I didn't mention since I know its a meme but, LDR unfortunately
ah. im sorry i cant give good advice here, im not capable of doing LDRs because being in close physical proximity to my partner is like, extremely important to me. I couldnt date a person without it.

Hi, sorry, I'm the first user you replied to. I wasn't sure how to respond, because I felt I couldn't say anything but shallow platitudes. But, I am sorry you suffered a similar fate. I am sorry. I try not to victim blame myself, but my biggest regret is compromising on what my understanding of love was. It just kept being compromised, until there was nothing left. And in the end, it was revealed there was never any love in the first place, and the hope of your partner was that they grew to love you, only if you forfeit your identity.

I don't believe in victim blaming. But, if you can save yourself, I always feel you should.

I am beyond repulsed and sorry you ever went through that user. Thank you for your advice though on things, he isn't to that level but, I do recognize your meaning in that I should be pursuing a love in entirety.

I do agree, though, it is unfair I think to ask him to love me and himself for both of us, to the degree I leaned on/drained him. I want to try to ease that burden first and see where we stand again after.

>she told me, verbatim, "i mistook pitying you for loving you". she was my best friend for 10 years. it still makes me cry thinking about
Christ, I wish I could hug both of you, truly sorry for experiencing something so vile. I hope you're able to find someone who appreciates you, the kind of person who will give random depressed anons advice on their relationship. To me a kind person, both of you

im not capable of doing LDRs because being in close physical proximity to my partner is like, extremely important to me. I couldnt date a person without it.
completely understandable, honestly part of me wonders if he struggles with this part much more than I do.

also...
would you have any advice for how to push myself towards that balance and lean on them less? I struggle not being effected by sadder emotions, but I'd like to be more resilient so I can be a better source of joy. I tend to deal with sadness by leaning on friends or, accidentally mostly him I realize.

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>he isn't to that level but, I do recognize your meaning in that I should be pursuing a love in entirety.
>I do agree, though, it is unfair I think to ask him to love me and himself for both of us, to the degree I leaned on/drained him. I want to try to ease that burden first and see where we stand again after.
I'm sorry I ended my message on the note of saying you weren't even loved, and you should "wake up". Truth be told, I just ran out of space to be more tactful than assuming you're being abused outright in a loveless relationship.

I don't know what else to say, sorry. I never gave much of an opinion on your specific situation in the first place. But if you have expectations that are unmet, I feel communication is healthy. Someone probably already said that before, sorry. In the end I really just out of context dumped my abuse story and played it off as if it could help.

No I genuinely appreciated it, thank you user. I think it is an important thing to keep in mind, that still has weight in my situation. I appreciate you took the time to type it out n offer your insight, sincerely.

this might be a stupid analogy, but think about it like you're sharing a car with somebody. you shouldn't feel reluctant to drive the car, but if you're always draining the tank and never filling it up and passing it off to them on empty, they're gonna start to feel like this is a bad arrangement. so be sure to fill the tank back up after you've run it dry. take it to the car wash every now and then and make it all clean and sparkly again. and then they're not gonna care how many miles you're putting on it because you're holding up your end and doing your part to take care of it.

ah shit i don't know what happened to the rest of this post, the stupid car analogy was only the end of it.

to answer your question less cryptically - one good thing you can do is find fun things to do together. a little tougher since it's an ldr but maybe you can play games together, watch a show together, something pleasant you can bond over. another important thing is to take more of an active interest in how he's doing, and give him more space to talk about his own stuff.

and i wanna emphasize again that it's not a bad thing to lean on him sometimes, to open up about heavy things, to ask for some degree of support and care. it's just important not to let things get too one-sided, because even the most caring person can get exhausted by that if the balance of give and take is not right. but if he can't handle it at all, then you might not be in the wrong and this might not be worth saving.

and then i said the stupid thing about the car

ahhh lol I like the analogy though hahaha

but thank you! this all makes a lot of sense and gives me something to think about when I am considering leaning, and for feeling better about "filling the car up" n taking good care of it, for both of us to have a great time in our car. It makes it a lot easier thinking of it less like bottling feelings, and more like tending to other important things before addressing those feelings.

finding fun things to do together from my end seems like a good idea, I think I ended up relying a lot on him to decide what we do, and I owe him a few activities/plans. and likewise, thank you for reiterating the leaning, I was honestly about to go the opposite way and just avoid doing it ever again, and you really helped me to understand why things are the way they are, and that I wasn't wrong to lean.

Thanks again for all your advice, it helped a lot, and I hope youre having a wonderful night/day

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>more like tending to other important things before addressing those feelings.
Tending to his feelings/the relationships needs before addressing those feelings**

its hard to appreciate people's feelings in the moment sometimes