I will never move past everything that happened in conversion therapy/aversive conditioning. No matter what...

I'm 31 now and I've realized a while ago the whole point of conversion therapy. Trauma is the whole point, it puts distance between you and everyone else. It doesnt matter what shade of LGBT you are, their end goal is social isolation. I dont trust anyone irl and I've accepted that I'll never do

youtu.be/JMuJcrolgUA
youtu.be/Mcq5oW0GvD8
I'm glad you're here, my friend

why you gotta lie like that

This. Traumatising LGBT people is the point even though they will NEVER admit this

become your parents power of attorney
torture them in their old age
get your revenge on them

What country are you from?

now i want to die lmao

Usa
Thank you

We were told that we could never live normal lives being trans, no one would ever love us the way we are, that it was possible to change to be cis, and that we'd never be real men/women anyways. We had to constantly follow various rules and gender stereotypes or get literally physically tortured. If someone else got into trouble, they'd tell us that we can take the punishment instead but they'd usually just torture both of us at that point. If we did anything wrong, we'd have to strip our clothes and have other kids forced to yell stuff like "you'll never have a real penis, that's a vagina, you're a girl, girls do this" etc and vise versa for mtfs. We were encouraged to assault each other and point out things that made us feminine or masculine during everything that happened including the "school" there. I was forced to throw up multiple times while wearing masculine clothing and I still can't wear certain types of clothing because it's triggering. Was forced to put my hands in ice while saying I was a boy etc. We'd get congratulated for telling other people they're boys/girls and emphasizing that to them. Another kid grabbed my chest to emphasize that I'll "never be a real male." We had to constantly listen to screams of other kids being tortured as an example. We would constantly get praised in gender specific ways. We had "therapy" weekly but it was just used to get us in more trouble and figure out if we're genuinely believing that we're male or female. A lot of other stuff that I can't really go into. I ended up bullying a lot of other people and feel extremely guilty about it.

I specifically hurt one guy in a really extreme way and I'll probably never get over it. I can't think of some people I met there without thinking about how they helped with torturing me and I'm sure it's probably the same for other kids. Still constantly get flashbacks and triggered over random stupid shit. I'm really grateful for having kind friends but I still feel like a loser bc I'm sensitive over nothing. I'll freak out over random things and not really understand boundaries now. I'll get angry and yell when I get scared and most people are understanding but it understandably puts a lot of people off. Don't think I'll ever be okay with being trans. I'm happily post bottom surgery and stealth but I wish I could be out and happy about being trans without feeling like someone is going to clock me and attack me because of being trans. I still wanna kill myself whenever I have flashbacks bc it still feels like I'm being tortured and I can't handle it and it scares me that I'm gonna have to relive that again and again and again. Idk what to do.

Honestly I regret coming out and wish I could have waited until I was 18. Realistically, I had too much dysphoria and would have just killed myself if I didn't transition, but it sucks not at least have trying to repress for more than few months. I feel like my life is permanently tainted and damaged now and I'll never be able to get back to being normal and happy about being trans like I was when I first came out and started transitioning.