Tell me about your repper days, user

Tell me about your repper days, user.

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they never end

>wake up
>drink shitty cheap vodka immediately
>post on tttt
>vc with friends who hate trannies and who call me a freak
>cry a lot
>go into the shower with the lights off and cry some more
>eat
>vomit
>go to bed
repeat until I figured I would kill myself anyway so I ordered hormones 3 years ago and life has been much better

>vc with friends who hate trannies and who call me a freak
kinda weird friends ngl.

repping was by far the worst time in my life, i was in high school at the time and literally all i could think about was death, be it mine or of others, i even started having hallucinations about a faceless dead girl that kept following me and telling me to kill myself and everyone else too, i was totally going to pull a dysphoria fueled columbine but thankfully quarantine hit and i was able to troon out and get out of that hole, scary shit

I'll start from when I was 18 I guess, that's when I started to get really bad. I came out to my obama loving lib parents thinking they'd be accepting, they absolutely were not, so I went back in the closet and decided to repress.
Spent the next 5 years being a NEET on and off, coping with copious amounts of benzos and weed. Dated a couple of girls (one of them broke up with me largely because I was a repressor), spent basically the entire 5 years fucking miserable. I was a major asshole who'd lash out at people and be just generally very neurotic. I tried to kill myself a couple of times, first time was a meme but second time only didn't work out cause my parents came home a few hours earlier than they were supposed to.
I'd occasionally crossdress and get a boner and it'd make me feel super guilty and get pushed further into repression. Made an appointment for hrt and decided maybe women would make me feel better and help me repress instead, so I slept around a lot and it was super unsatisfying. I didn't ever finish, I didn't enjoy it, and I felt incredibly gross after every time. Ended up trooning out 3 months later and have been happier ever since. I'm not angry all the time anymore, I don't need drugs, and I'm functional.

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still here.
they actually aren't that bad. I'm def not happy, but I can mostly function irl and live my life. and I don't have any vices or do any self-destructive things.

they were actually really tough. at first i didn't really wanna rep but had no choice. eventually i got really jaded and resentful and began to rep on purpose, telling myself it was too late anyway. the pain was unbearable, and i was barely alive near the end of it. showered maybe once a week max, barely brushed my teeth or took care of my hair, never left the house and my friends always tried to get me to go out, but it was rare i ever did desu. when i finally cracked, an entire lifetime of desires and wants began to resurface. i didn't even realize i was repressing far more than just my gender identity. but honestly that's just the tip of the iceberg. i repped for about 5.5 years and there was a lot of conflict and events that took place over them. i could write a whole fucking book about my repressor days desu. but yeah they were brutal and i regret every day i wasted.

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>lost job and turned into broke neet
>moved back to parents' house in same room I had as a teen
>spend all day on Any Forums downloading and edging to porn
>avoid updating my resume or applying for jobs
>avoid trying anything new
>avoid thinking about my body
>avoid thinking about my hair
>avoid learning about trannies
>stay as high as possible at all times
>flake out on my few remaining friends
>or spend all weekend getting drunk with them
>lose self further and further into self-insert porn and fantasy scenarios
>double down on denial strategies
>poor attempts at forced masculinity
I got a job and my own place and learned some things and I don't really look at porn or fap anymore (once in a while) or really spend as much time on desperate escapism, and I guess I'm a lot happier with myself without forcing anything now, but I'm still a lonely doomer loner who's doomed to dying alone

>go to middle school
>suddenly start desperately wanting to be every girl i see
>don't know if this is just normal male sexuality and im just really horny all the time (and therefore a pervert) or actually a tranny
>agonize over this for 3 years
>wish every day i could be a woman, wear dresses and skirts and leggings
>can barely imagine an adult life for myself
>"yeah ill probably just get married and have kids idk"
>covid hits and i look up tranny shit and realize

dont know if this part counts as repping but

>come out to parents
>rejected but not disowned
>get permission to crossdress
>it helps
>feeling like a girl is the best thing to ever happen to me
>inability to transition slowly kills my soul
>crossdressing becomes dysphoric and i lose that outlet
>try to diy
>manage to get estrogen shipped to post office
>postal worker holds it out but refuses to give it because im a minor
>slowly lose all hope for life as my body masculinizes beyond what i previously imagined

took like 3 months to get hrt once i turned 18, im a couple weeks on it now. thats my tranhistory