I've been under a lot of stress lately. Then this sort of traumatic event that seems to have left me disconnected from humanity. It's this derealization. Music feels shallow, art looks fake, nature seems artificial. Humans don't seem human to me anymore.
I've suffered from avoidant personality disorder for more than a decade. Being close to people is unbearable for me. I don't open up to people irl, I ghost the ones I meet online. I used to have an online boyfriend for a while, then I retracted. He spent years trying to stay in touch with me before giving up. Same story with others I met online over the years, I left them all hurt. As painful as it is, at some point I realized it's better I don't get to know people at all. For me, for everyone. All my social life were relegated to being conducted anonymously. I'd feel reprehensible knowing I'm using people up only to discard them.
So what happens for me as humans seize to feel human? Empathy disappears, only all this built up antagonism remains, I carelessly start interacting with them again.
So I met this woman and talked about recent issues. Naturally I tried to extract as much pity as possible, then cut contact as per my habit. We text chatted for about two hours, thought nothing much of it. Later on, I see she apparently has been all over this website trying to get in contact with me again, asking people how to OSINT me or whatever, admitting she has cried over me and so on. I find it unbelievable for two hours of text chatting.
Crushing someone's heart
So about then I realize I'm pretty good at manipulating people emotionally. Before I never were so aggressive about it, sincerity, principles and empathy always got in the way. Though earlier I also had these eerie moments of realizing I'm completely controlling the conversations I'm having. Though I were always trying to go about it in a benevolent way. I always found it strange how easily I could make people become smitten with me. I guess have this kind of unassuming approach where I subtly stroke their egos.
I have experimented a little. I joined a right wing discord and ended up with people genuinely liking me in spite of openly being a faggot and spouting communist talking points. I've been on here, lying to people, and it works very well.
With this woman, I felt basically no remorse over her hurt. All of my life, I've felt I've had little control due to my mental illness and I always feel like the worst loser on planet earth. Yet seeing her act all desperate over me, I felt this sense of power that was quite intoxicating. This was only over two hours talking, what if I had worked her for days or months?
So these last couple of days, I had this thought of making someone fall in love with me and then make them hurt real bad, crush their heart. As an experiment. Half a year ago, looking at his board, I'd see fellow humans whose pain I could relate to. Somehow I don't see this anymore.
I have never deliberately hurt someone's feelings before (other than in affect). I've never deliberately been cruel to other people. I feel hesitant crossing this line, I still vaguely feel this would be wrong. I guess I'm posting this here, because I'd like someone to give me a reason not to do this. I fear for my soul or whatever.
lol
how old are you user
28
are developmentaly stunted by any chance?
autism, at the very least?
dumb larp & kys
I already wrote AVPD.
Naturally I am pretty fucking stunted from it.
Doesn't stop people from falling in love with me though. Like 50% of people I get somewhat close to eventually wants to see my cock, and I'm even not meeting them in a dating context or whatever.
But every time I run away you know. Before this year, I haven't socialized non-anonymously, non-professionally since 2016. And now all of a sudden, I get some brain trauma or whatever, and I start acting erratically and get sadistic ideas that used to be unthinkable.
show cock then, i like retards they're cute
nah
fag
yeah
Feel free to treat it as a hypothetical scenario or whatever lol
You are what part of me aspires to be, but its always kept in check by other pieces of me. What is your morality system like? Do you believe in a religion or something? What do you feel exactly is stopping you from doing this?
There is literally nothing.
I've always relied on my empathic feelings to make the calls. Now that they are not there anymore, what's stopping me would be mostly fear of the unknown.
I feel uneasy, I can feel something in myself is clearly damaged (more than expected).
At the same time, there's also this strange relief/elation.
What is it inside yourself that you think would be damaged? This makes sense, if they aren't human you wouldn't have a reason to hesitate hurting them. What do you think the relief would be about? Punishing them because they aren't human? I'm just guessing on that point.
oh, if the reason you don't feel empathy is because you feel they aren't human, you can only anchor yourself by referring back to past or future points where you have or will believe they are, in fact, human.
if you feel like those mindsets aren't as trustworthy as your current one, you're pretty much stuck.
but it doesn't really matter anyway. go ahead and hurt as many people as you want. the world will keep turning. life is temporary for you and whoever you hurt.
I like how you write OP. Felt engaged throughout my reading of your textwall. It seems like you feel remorse for what you do in a logical sense rather than an emotive one. Are you diagnosably autistic? I have done similar things admitantly, and my prior peers always suspected it in our brief fellowship.
Oh the damage is already done. It's just that this state of mind is new and confusing to me and I feel I have to be careful as to where it will take me.
The relief I'm talking about, there is a a certain emotional load that comes with empathy, that is no longer there.
I harbor a lot of resentment against humanity that has built up over the years, which seems to remain even though it is also kind of dulled. However there is no ambivalence as to what I feel anymore. I feel eager to make another person feel as worthless and pathetic as I have felt, being largely cut off from human belongingness (even though admittedly it happened mostly by my own volition).
For most of my life I've viewed humanity in a bad light but I generally were able to empathize with individuals. I guess I can't see the individuals anymore, I only see units of the larger, oppressive organism of humanity.
I don't know what to trust. I guess the best argument against going there would be, if I devastated someone the way I have in mind, and then returned to my normal state, it would be unbearable. I've only been like this for maybe two months. I don't know if it's just some kind of episode I'm having, I can't tell if it will get worse or go away. At the same time, I'm enjoying some sort of freedom from myself right now, and I feel like, why let it go to waste?
No it's more like, I'm overwhelmed by the feeling I OUGHT to feel remorse, but it just doesn't happen. I've felt remorseful over how I've acted in my earlier interactions but lately, I have not.
Like, I have many autistic traits but even if they were genuinely so, they'd hard to tell apart from the AVPD stuff. If I am autistic, I'm lightly so. I tend to dominate pronounced autistics I interact with. And I mean, neurotypicals too, online at least. irl I'm strictly submissive, avoidant. It's the easiest way to deal with people. It's my default, deeply ingrained behavior, though I wonder if it could change.
>I'm enjoying some sort of freedom from myself right now, and I feel like, why let it go to waste?
riding out (feelgood) waves like this is definitely the way to go. a moderate bit of thinking can go a long way, and i think you considering your future mindstates is a healthy and logical anchor. don't ruin this for yourself.
good luck king
Haha well, the overwhelming emotion over these last months is existential pain, deeper than I've ever felt in my life. Everything I've talked about is subordinate to this.
Thank you though.
bumping i guess