Wtf am I doing. I'm sterilizing myself to try and hopefully live as the opposite sex...

I'm not sure. I just want someone to guide me. Throw reality in my face and make me decide one way or the other. No more limbo.

it's not a shameful thing. you didn't need mental gymnastics to understand what's ultimatly best for you. you're allowed to be happy.

It's not shameful, your thinking about it more than anyone else would. A few comments maybe, but it's not on there mind past that. Some people distance themselves from you, but that's fine. It happens in life all the time for diferent reasons.

The connection isn't there to break so easily.
Ultimately this is something you have to do for your own sake. It's rewarding in it's own right.
Worth any amount of scorn imo.

you're not giving us much to work with, why did you even transition? people can't read your mind

I've been debating whether or not to transition and whether or not I'm trans since I can remember. I realized I was trans when I was in late middle school, but I began to deny it to myself when I discovered that the people around me despised trans people. These thoughts and feelings followed me to college, where I began dating in my first year. My own life was plagued by depression and anxiety due to my birth sex, and my mental health deteriorated as I grew older. My relationship was eventually failing, so I told her how I felt about everything. She advised me to see a gender therapist and tell her everything I had discussed with her. We broke up a few weeks later because she was dead certin I was trans after our talks and over time everything became a lot clearer. I decided a few months later that I wanted this since forever and I felt like it would be better for my mental health. It explained a lot of things in my life ad I decided to take the risk. Now it's been about 8~9 months on hrt.

I have no idea if this awnsers your question.

I honestly suck at understanding my feelings. More like I don't trust myself to make decisions like this longterm. Like I can't trust myself to make myself happy.

I don't even know where I'm at now. It's like I'm on hrt but It's like I'm still repressing. I grow out my hair, take care of my skin, body, and take hrt but I don't voicetrain and I just keep my transition to myself. It sucks.

Aside from telling people you care about who should know? Like dont hide it, but at a point your body will shout to everyone whom knew you what you've done. Nobody else will know as they will just see a woman. For some it's very private, others very public.
I dont know why you'd feel repressed, unless theres more you feel you should be doing.
But for some who start young just letting HRT do it's thing accounts for most of it. Not that the normal skills are ever useless.

I mean if you felt like nothing was holding you back, or bothered you, what would you want to be doing?

I feel like I should be doing a lot more yeah. I'd be voice training, I'd be open to friends of mine more, I'm in a new relationship that I just didn't feel comfortable telling her cause I'd lose another group of people I met, I'd be praticing makeup and things like that, I'd probably get more comfortable with female clothing, and I'd be using she/her pronouns. To list a few.

Boymoderism is inherently AGP.

Lul, being so self aware as to how much u don't pass is AGP?

Not really how it works.