Suicide thread

ironically, maybe lol. i am terrified of other women even though i know i'm attracted to them. i try to pretend i'm straight, but i can't really. it breaks my heart to think that someday i might have to break my boyfriend's. really, though, it's just lots of little things all adding up. mostly the thought that i'll graduate and be nothing. a teacher and a mother is all i want to be, but for a bunch of reasons, i don't think it would be a good idea for me to be either.

not good, not good at all. i've read about ADS (antidepressant discontinuation syndrome), and i came to the conclusion that i don't fucking care what happens to me if i stop taking my antidepressant. i want estrogen, not this bullshit medication that never really helped

i want to have a stable life again. my life basically stopped when i found out i was trans. nothing leads to anything, i'm always stuck in the same place, not wanting to do anything about it. it's like i want to keep suffering until there is no more suffering to be felt, instead of keeping my head up and standing up for myself. i gave up a long time ago, in a time where i didn't knew it could get worse.

to live is to suffer, and i don't want to suffer anymore. and yeah, i might those things, but i know i'm too weak to rope/overdose. maybe i want to see where this will end up? not in a good place, for sure, but idk. i think i hate myself so much that i force myself to be stuck in this torturous state, instead of ending it all.

i will never be a real woman, i will never make progress in my transition, i will never be as happy as i was again.

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Pissed off the one person who likes me by being a schizo.

You need to just have a blow out. If youre going to end it anyway then why not? Have some wild experiences then if everything is still grey and empty by all means check out of this life. But you should give stuff a go first. Like go on a massive coke bender, take a load of E and go clubbing, go to the nastiest dyke bar you can find and let yourself go and get felt up by some lecherous butches/desperate late bloomers. Go wild for a bit. There is a pretty good chance youll find yourself doing this and will find a new life you never knew you could have. And if not then call it a day.

There's lots of things we regret that we wish we could've done better, but all we have right now is the time and opportunities at hand.

Changing the past might not be a possibility, but right now we still have the chance to make things right, or even better than what we could've hoped for back then.

Or so at least I keep telling myself to cope.

honestly even having gf that loves me so much doesn't erradicate feeling, but it's rare i have any ideation anymore, my problems now are short lived but recurring because i need anxiety medicine probably, i spiral badly sometimes

other than that, my days are usually pretty good now and i spend time in alot of them posting here trying to spread the happiness i am blessed with through hopefulness in others

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ngl all my friends are getting patners and it is beign quite hard, idk why i cant just feel happy for them instead i just think that i dont deserve love.

Im not planning on kms but my mental state is going down really quick

while that might be fun, i've never done drugs and i don't even know where i would get them lmao. i'm super, super lame, esp as far as college students go. i barely ever even leave my dorm. besides that...i'd feel like an asshole if i did that to my boyfriend, especially if afterwards i did find out that there's something worth living for. i'm content with dying now bc i know once i'm gone there's nothing for me to miss out on. i appreciate the advice though lol. maybe i'll still give it a try sometime if i can figure that all out ;pp

I would really advise taking this advice. It was given to me by someone talking me off the side of the train tracks about 12 years ago and Im so happy I listened. I hope you make it, remember literally nothing matters.

I can't talk to her. if I was scared before when it was abundantly clear things were okay, imagine how I feel now. and it can never be as natural as it could have been if I had just taken those few steps. we can't be friends again, it would just be goodbye.

also I don't have a pussy. and I'm broke. because I spent so much money on FFS unnecessarily. she was right about everything and I didn't listen. if I had that money now, imagine where I could be, what I could be doing. I can't live this life.

Honestly it just keeps getting worse. Today feels especially bad. I've just sat here this morning staring in space. When I try to start something it just feels pointless and miserable. I tried to watch a show to distract myself but just got jealous and dysphoric.
>And I'm out of vodka.

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You can do anything you set your mind to

Work is tiring user. I dont want that stemoid sigma grindset money. I want peace. I want free time.

If an expensive medical emergency hits im gonna hang myself anyway. Why do i bother prolonging.

I may be a tranny but Im not roping myself over that. The only sad thing is I'll never see myself months into hrt if i rope now.