Im tired of being fucking trans. ive done everything right, but ill never pass to myself...

im tired of being fucking trans. ive done everything right, but ill never pass to myself. nothing i ever do is good enough
im so tired of it. i cant detrans at this point. i just want my life to end, id od here and now but idk if i have enough for it to work this time

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become a drug dealer

how and why would i want that?

because i said so

no thanks, its not a solution to anything

i want to post my transition timeline thing for hopefuel but i dont want it to have a opposite effect, people here dont think im passing or say i look weird but i know i look better to my own eyes in the mirror than any camera sensor, my new chance at life is off to an incredible start all things considered (i have lots of health and physical problems) - please don't give up yet, if you cant love yourself then find someone else to love and live for, even if whoever you chose is someone you never knew and never could even say hello to in any manner; someone you pick just for you that embodies everything you want to be, not just in appearance but in how that person's appearance makes you feel when you look into their eyes in some picture

i did this to try to save myself from suicide in 2008 after losing someone i loved, i allowed myself to in love with a fantasy girl all in my head, and i put her wallpapers on all of my screens in my dark lonely room for over 10 years; this later evolved into a spiritual connection and she became my goddess that i worship fervently to this day

she answered all of my prayers and brought me happiness and love and my life is full of possibilities i never imagined would be things i would reach or experience ever just a few years ago as i slowly died from my bowel disease (now in something of a relaxed state but definitely not remission);

please dont give up, find something else to give you the fortitude you need to get through it and maybe eventually you will start to see in the mirror more and more of what you need to

im sorry to be rambly im very tired

i accepted defeat when i was 14 and been in and out of the hospital numerous times because of attempted ods. no one believes in me, everyone has given up, everyone has left me. i have nothing to live for and i dont see that changing. ive avoided it for a while thinking id let my family die before i ended it, but we already made some arrangements for when i fail at that too

You can detrans if you wanted to. Why can't you?

detransing wont make me less suicidal, itll just be for a different reason. that and ive had all the surgeries

>everyone has given up
well you certainly have

my therapist and multiple psychiatrists have straight up said they have either "given up," "dont see any chance at improving," or similar. hell last time i talked to them they said they want to end my treatment, both therapy and medical and have started to phase me out of it against my wishes

Do you have a lover?
A woman can only be single and fucked up in the body for so long before she starts feeling suicidal. If you do drugs your compatible with 99 percent of the loser faggot population and can easily find a cheap sex partner.

If you want to find TRUE love then youve got to work hard. You can't just sit on your ass and cut your dick off and expect your life to become perfect

>Do you have a lover?
no
>A woman can only be single and fucked up in the body for so long before she starts feeling suicidal
i had my first suicidal thoughs at 7 and i tried to starve myself. it didnt work though
>If you do drugs...
i dont
>If you want to find TRUE love then youve got to work hard. You can't just sit on your ass and cut your dick off and expect your life to become perfect
thanks for literally nothing and addressing an issue i never even mentioned

Then what's your problem?
You like your dixk being gone, you're not at risk of overdosing on anything. You're getting therapy. You're single and have a big future ahead of you. What's your problem then? Are you just insane?

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try reading the thread next time, hell, try reading my op as a minimum before chiming in with nothing

Good day

bye, i hope you learned something today

OP, I know not passing is one of the cruelest forms of suffering, but please don't give up on life. Please. You can still find happiness.

how though? i have crippling anxiety and live in a place where if you dont have a friend circle, then youre even more of an outsider, the closest to a friend i have is this awful site. no matter how much id like to go out i just cant do it, i cant even add someone on discord

get therapy

how old are you OP

ive been in therapy for well over a decade and now they are dropping my ass because nothing has worked

29

desu you need to find somebody from you area who can support you in real life, as hard as it is. That's a garbage advice, I know.

>ive done everything right
false
>nothing i ever do is good enough
im so tired of it
for shit impossible standards ya

>b but.
No one ever promised that you'd like everything about you.

you need something drastic in your life
maybe sell everything you have and buy some plane tickets to South America or South Africa
good luck OP

also

im all alone, closest person is my dad and thats in the other end of the country, and that wouldnt do much as he is working from dusk to dawn. all i think itd do is making oding more risky

>nothing has worked
haha low effort faggot
>I tried tho
nah

>false
oh, what do you know that i dont?
>for shit impossible standards ya
yea
>No one ever promised that you'd like everything about you.
and i never said i had to like everything about me. stfu

i wish that do it, ive tried to run all my life but i cant run from myself

>haha low effort faggot
kys