I'm a bi-ish 24 years old 'male', and for awhile I really thought I fixed my life

I'm a bi-ish 24 years old 'male', and for awhile I really thought I fixed my life

I used to be a depressed, autistic nerd when younger. Suicidal ideation when i was 12, no friends, terrible home life, hoped I'd wake up dead every day for 10 years.

But now? I have a well-paying job, hobbies I like, and a good routine. I'm introverted, so I don't have many irl friends, but at least some. Tons of online friends I cherish though. I've had a girlfriend in the past, but am still a virgin bc I'm not really motivated enough to play the tinder game. I know I like guys too, but too much internalized fear to really do much about it. I have some chronic illnesses, but who doesn't? Medication helps to keep them at bay anyway

This was a NORMAL place to be, given my life circumstances. Some good areas, some bad areas, but overall fine.

And now, since a week ago, I'm suddenly hardcore questioning my gender identity and it feels like I threw a wrench into it all. All the work I did to build up a stable, consistent life just dissolved because it turns out I'm part of the 1% of the population who was 'born into the wrong body'. And I only discovered it after it was too late to really do much about it

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Barely sleep or eat anymore, spend all day on Any Forums and trans servers, stopped working out, cry twice a day, and barely even do my job anymore. Everything feels immensely nauseating and overwhelming, and I have to stifle the lump in my throat if I ever have to talk to another human and feel the disgusting maleness of my voice writhe in my throat

I want to just take HRT and try it out, but I keep reading shit about how exiting repping just trades the dysphoria for a brand new host of issues that as emotionally, and sometimes physically, crippling. Liver issues, permanent libido drops, growing old as a trans woman is horrible, nobody wants to marry you, you constantly feel alienated, passing is a life-long chore, and so on

I keep walking through every single possible scenario in my head as to where the future goes if I don't go or go onto HRT and they all end painfully. I badly want to kill myself to just stop the agony and not have to prolong it for another 50 years, but im not brave enough to do it

tldr: life is horrific, i wish i just ended it at 12 instead of believing it'll get better

It's only been a week? You need to give it some more time. And all of your work hasn't dissolved - idk but just from reading I think you need to wait a bit to stabilise and reorient your perspective.

youre probably right desu, my brain is just messed up rn from too much outside stimulation

yes, I imagine it's been a bit of a shock. sending good vibes.

What was it that initially made you start questioning? This sounds a lot like what happened to me before I started questioning.

Friends I loved, gotten into good and healthy habits, was working towards my goals smoothly in college, I was smiling and everything was going great. I was always a pretty dismal person, never liked my voice or body, but I chalked that up to no one ever being really happy with their appearance. In order to not be an isolationist loser I built up habits and discipline to force myself into where I wanted to be, and it made me happy. But it turned out it wasn't sustainable because I forcing myself through it all. Once it began to break from depression, once I came across someone walking through a trans person questioning on the internet, it was like my whole life shattered as pieces fell into places they never fit before. It really felt like everything I had worked to create was for nothing as I watched my habits, health, and discipline slip away into depression.

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Yeah, this is literally me. Always unhappy with the maleness of my body, but assumed that's just life.

Initially? Scheduling a surgery to remove my puberty tits. I was three weeks from the surgery (2 weeks now) and suddenly realized 'wait i kinda like having tits'

and then i went down this rabbit hole of different forums, realizing all the stories of oldshits matched up with me so deeply, and that if im not trans, im at least definitely not masculine.

still have the surgery date set, made a post here awhile back if I should cancel it, but i think im just gonna go with it. im too masc to socially pass anyway, so ill just get HRT and boymode forever.

Continue questioning earnestly, and try less permanent stuff before HRT. You don't need to uproot your whole life at once and instantly be a girl or something. HRT is good as well, and after being on it for two years the downsides are better than the alternative. Emotions are different but not necessarily 'heightened' , I have lost some natural strength T gave me, etc. In regards to libido, progesterone makes me a lot hornier than testosterone ever did, it's just a less animalistic type of horny?

but prog usually starts a year in, and if you don't jerk off like once a week or more then your dick will atrophy, but you can get it back just by using it again. I fucking accidentally tested it so I know it works

I want to continue questioning, but I'm scared I'm running out of time. I'm already 24 and everybody keeps telling me that I need to start NOW otherwise I'm wasting the time that could be spent feminizing.