Do I continue HRT

I've been taking my DIY (AA+pills) for 36 hours. My nipples hurt already, which is making me question some things.

I feel like I might've fallen for a meme. The idea that any dysphoria will get worse and you will transition anyway (I'm 20), so I panicked and got everything in order ASAP to start HRT. The whole time I was oscillating between anxiety attacks over not taking HRT (usually triggered by browsing /tttt/) and feeling stupid/ashamed for considering the idea.

I didn't take the hormones until a day after I got them. I was in agonizing decision paralysis, but a coin flip told me I should try them.

Now I'm even less sure. I feel more sure than before that I don't really want breasts (though maybe just on this body?). I still don't want to age as a man, I still want to be a cis woman, but in an envious way, not a really dysphoric one. I am not fembrained at all, nor do I have feminine mannerisms, nor do I particularly want to cultivate them. I am not fond of my penis, but I don't want it to disappear because I do feel at some level that it is *my* sex organ, though I'd prefer a vagina for sex.

I don't want to be trans (voice, passing issues etc). But I also wish I had more trans thoughts so I could just be certain and do it. I don't want the trans thoughts to go away, either (weird, I know). I'm embarrassed to do anything but manmode. I think actual trans people would be racing to start their HRT, and find at least some comfort in being feminine around others.

I do feel a bit happier now, but I think that's just because the decision depression is gone and the "John, 50" brainworm anxiety is fed for now.

I have a gender therapist and she is not helping at all.

Please be honest with me, Any Forums, is the John 50, any-dysphoria-means-always-and-worse-dysphoria thing true? My first real trans thought was only 1 month ago (before that it was shrouded by sissy porn I have since quit). It wouldn't be that bad to wait for like 5 more months or something right?

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If you feel uncomfortable just stop taking the pills and think about it more, you can get a 2nd opinion from another therapist.

Don't do it. Become a cute hrt-free femboy instead and learn to love yourself before it's too late.

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don't fuck up your life on a coin flip lmao

>It wouldn't be that bad to wait for like 5 more months or something right?
In the grand scheme of things, "no" 5 months isn't a lot. However, it's probably not gonna be 5 months. 5 will turn to 6 then 7 etc, until you're an old man. 99% of people with dysphoria do indeed just have to live with it if they choose not to entertain it, if you want to live with that constant pain, that's your choice. But DO take the time to examine whether you actually have dysphoria. 36 hours is actually nothing for hormones. If you do feel confident in the dysphoria you can continue with the medicine pretty harmlessly. Staying on them for a week or two won't hurt you, try looking then.

Your over thinking things, your conflating a bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with being a tranny to your situation. It's a simple if you want feminization or not. Breasts are awesome and you'll learn to love them lol. Just stop thinking about all this nonsense, and see what's up. Thinking you need trans thoughts is always going to fuck you up, if you compare yourself to what some people say here, then only a few of the posters are actually trans.

So many upsell there dysphoria, and knowing I was a girl at 5 talk. If you like guys too, then being on hrt isn't even a big deal lol.

Thanks for the thoughts, Anons.

Too late for that one, would need laser anyway.

If she's useless again next session I will.

Wasn't just a coin flip, it was the sort of flip where you realize in the air what you want, and then are disappointed with the result, so you flip again.

The thing about my ""dysphoria"" is that it followed a pretty consistent cycle since I started taking this seriously.

>Idly have some trans thoughts, like envy of cis women, etc
>Depression without obvious explanation (but obviously it's this, otherwise/before my life is/was great)
>Want to go /tttt/ (I have tried resisting this urge)
>Go on /tttt/
>Trans thoughts worsen
>Get anxiety about my body and whether or not it could pass
>Scrutinize all my features to see if I could pass
>Hate everything that indicates I can't / will have a hard time
>Worry I'm not transitioning fast enough and won't be happy later in life

Which, the more I look at it, is clearly some sort of cyclic reasoning, or reasoning all based on the John 50 meme.

The problem is I'm not sure how to take even a month without these thoughts in my head, without my addiction to reading trans spaces online. I made it 3 days when I tried. Maybe now that I've tried HRT a little (maybe another week or something) I'll be able to think more clearly.

On the other hand I'm about to pay like $2k for sperm freezing :(

If you give me the choice I want to be a cis girl, but keep my personality (which is male af). If the choice is to feminize the body I have... I don't know.

Never been with a guy. I'd have AGP sex with a masc guy, and I'd want to do relationship-type stuff with a twink / cute guy, probably. Though I think I won't know until I get concrete about it, and I haven't figured out bottoming really. No sex drive since I started taking this seriously.

I mean I won't know until I actually try sex with a guy.

A few days ago I also explained that greentext cycle to myself as just wanting acceptance and validation of my true underlying transness and finding that online. The acceptance then motivated me to transition. But socially-induced dysphoria seems to be an equally valid explanation (akin to falling into anorexia spaces on tumblr).

Thats what i expect to happen if i start hrt, the thought of my smol nipples becoming engorged and disgusting is revolting. I have 0 female interests, mannerisms and what not. For some reason playing rdr2 made me realize theres nothing wrong with being a man and i kind of enjoy my masculinity, and i feel fine aging gracefully as a man. Only i wish i was taller, but whatever.
The only man thing i cant stand is fucking body hair, but ill get rid of that crap.

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You know you can behave like a guy if you like. HRT does feminize your personality in little ways but nothing overtly so. It's a lot better when your not trying to conform imo. Just behave as yourself and it seems like it so simple. Sometimes my fiery male energy burns so hotly still... even if it's a bit girly and goofy, and sensitive lol. I'd be all fucked up if I had any thought to being a woman and not what I am, an estrogenized male.

Should boof some prog now, without E though. It works just as well to turn guys on, may even jump start your drive a little. AND HOLY SHIT
Again no wonder your so confused about all this, you've never even fucked a guy. If you had done that on hrt again I dont think you'd be all that confused either... man fucking up 6 ways to sunday anonette. What kind of passoid where you really now lol.

>The thing about my ""dysphoria"" is that it followed a pretty consistent cycle since I started taking this seriously.
it just sounds like the same dysphoria that every other tranner has more or less whenever they find out that trans people actually exist. theres a reason you feel that way, id advise you to do something about it rather than just sit there

Opps sorry wrong thread, I accidently clicked over to a detrans thread LOL. Forget that last part about passoid.

Ok user, im gonna be the realest person with you.

It doesnt matter. All this shit, its not that deep, you just let your brain get deep into it. You are me, 8 years ago.

I started getting dysphoric and depressed and i always wanted to be a girl as a kid, so i just said fuck it, impulse bought hrt, took it, and tried to just move on.

Fastforward 8 years, i havent slept with a woman since, only men. My dick doesnt work, i have C cup tits and i hit hrt early enough to get hips, i look pretty cute, if not a little tall, and i'm living in a female social role, with a boyfriend. We are saving for me to get SRS to make sex easier.

Honestly? I still have doubts. I never stopped having doubts, i just ignored them and tried not to think about them. I often wonder if maybe im not actually trans, if right now i could be living comfortably as a man doing man shit instead, and it troubles me deeply if i dwell on it.

But, im here. Being a woman isnt so bad, it has pros and cons, but its pretty cringey to me how pandering and cutesy everything is. I honestly think if i never did this, i wouldve been happy as a man right now, but i did do this, and i chose this path, so i might as well stick to it. No use detransing and being a man with broken balls, top surgery scars, and ayyden hips, no experience being an adult man in his mid 20s.

Just pick a side, or dont and do something impulsive and try to never think about your doubts like a retard (me). Maybe its the wrong decision, who cares, being a woman is only worse in certain ways, i dont actually think most cis dudes would care that much if they turned into women tomorrow, just that gender equality would get better.

My interests at least pass as trans lol. They basically start and end at programming.

Yeah passoid part was confusing user.
I was/am actually really excited to try prog though, assuming it actually does make you like men (no clinical evidence). I think the idea of having a masc bf be protective of and caring for me is super cute / hot.

>always wanted to be a girl as a kid
user I wish I was you 8 years ago. If I had had those thoughts it would be straightforward and simple :(
>early enough to get hips
I hope so. I wouldn't mind doing HRT, detransing, and having wide hips. Breasts and the difficulty of getting Tgel for benis are the only real problems.
>do something impulsive
That was the HRT.

I'm almost writing you off because you sound like a youngshit passoid. I don't get to be a woman, I get to be a man or a trans woman. But I really do appreciate the advice/thoughts anyway.

Oh AND I'm fucking 6 feet tall so I basically don't get to pass unless I somehow become even more of a stick (which requires they invent rib reduction, I'm already borderline anorexic)

You have it backwards, the passing strat for those with male figures is getting fat. For tall girls doubly so. It's amazing how much it can make a difference, getting skinny just highlights your male features.
And prog only really allows your natural desire for men come out. Really more you cant ignore them anymore. Knowing the love of a man though makes feminizing your self become so easy to understand. It's just making your more and more and more inclined to that role interpersonally, more so than you prolly already are. This stuff isn't baseless and out of left field really for most.

The thing with programming and compsci in general is, its extremely malebrained lol

This board has a warped view on women desu. I know lots of girls that are 5'10-6'2. Just dont wear heels. Its uncommon but not a dead giveaway.

Also, you can dress to compensate for things like ribcage. Surgeries exist if your face is an issue, HRT handles hips, thighs, skin.

I probably sound patronising but i had an awkward phase where i didnt pass too, just surround yourself with good people and it'll be okay :)

I would be disgusted with myself if I was fat. I could never do that. Even being a cis woman but fat is a tough choice.

If I want to try being with a man like you say, would you recommend just hookups or larping as a gay bottom and trying to get a relationship?

Ofc it is; I'm memeing. It's a transgender female interest, not a female interest :)

Pinkpiller threads like the one I've just created were always my favorite to read on this board. Somehow I still find this shit reassuring even though I've read it dozens of times before and know it all really is a gamble.

Tall girls exist but it starts you off as clocky.

>awkward phase where i didnt pass
It would probably be at least a year before I try girlmoding. I'm not even close to comfortable with the idea.

I boymoded for a long time too, its ok user. Just stock up on big hoodies and hope your boobs arent too big. If they are, high impact sports bra and pray to god there isnt a strong gust of wind or someone touches your chest

>I still want to be a cis woman, but in an envious way
I envy transwomen more than I envy cis women these days. Even the hons.

t. deranged repressor nearing 30

Yah this is true, of course little things can raise an eyebrow, but generally you can get away with so much between passing and not. At least at a point you'll still read fem...
You dont stay fat if you dont want to, you cycle up then down. Fat goes to the places you want like your thighs,butt,boobs, and face, with each cycle. I felt the same way as you, but female fat distro is like kind of comfy. Was a 100 pound 5'4 twink my whole life.

If you want to test the waters, trying to find a boyfriend will do so much more for you in accepting your love for men, making it more normal, and just being way more enjoyable.

You can hookup while looking too. If you do seek out something casual, I'd go on dating app's and talk to guys for a long as you want, until you find one who charms you up and gives you goofy feelings. If you want ot be quick though, just find someone who'll treat you human, enough lol. Advertising as a HRT femboy, or tranny might be easier than a gay male, depending on where you advertise, and with who. For sex there about the same in terms of ease, gay or tranny.

I'm in a similar spot. I'm a 24 year old who went on HRT for a month but started freaking out when I got breasts and realized they'd look grotesque on my ribcage.

It sucks because every other effect of HRT would be objectively positive. And breasts would be too, if my ribcage wasn't so grotesque. I've been thinking about trying to induce osteoporosis to make my bones crunchy so I can try to compress it but I can't get the willpower to restrict my calories enough.

You can compress bones. They may look weird now, but the bigger they get the more normal looking they get, just gonna have to boobmax and wait some time.

Cant compress bones*

Of course, and you should!
I get to live as a girl, dress in pretty clothes and be flattered by boys (and even some girls) all the time!
This is awesome!

Doing some more thinking out loud for myself (and any interested anons):
My big issue is whether coming to this board makes me less ashamed about what I want or if it just renews some sort of social contagion.
What I really need to do then is find out what is causing what, which my therapist should be helping with. If they don't fucking get around to it I'm gonna drop them for somebody else.
Before I made this thread, starting HRT felt like closing a door. Now, stopping it feels like closing a door. In this moment I'm thinking I'll stick with it for like a month at least or something. I can get a keyhole I guess, and general gynecomastia surgeries don't look bad. I can also try to get Tgel prescribed through informed consent perhaps.

I know weight cycling is a must, but being fat enough to, for instance, meaningfully hide my ribs, is not something I want. I do want the female fat distro tho :)

Good ideas on the dating front. I'd like to be femboy but I need to figure out my fucking facial hair shadow.
Maybe if I shave well makeup could hide it for a few hours.

Aww user. If what you want is hopefuel you could try >and if you envy hons you can always become one lol