I've been taking my DIY (AA+pills) for 36 hours. My nipples hurt already, which is making me question some things.
I feel like I might've fallen for a meme. The idea that any dysphoria will get worse and you will transition anyway (I'm 20), so I panicked and got everything in order ASAP to start HRT. The whole time I was oscillating between anxiety attacks over not taking HRT (usually triggered by browsing /tttt/) and feeling stupid/ashamed for considering the idea.
I didn't take the hormones until a day after I got them. I was in agonizing decision paralysis, but a coin flip told me I should try them.
Now I'm even less sure. I feel more sure than before that I don't really want breasts (though maybe just on this body?). I still don't want to age as a man, I still want to be a cis woman, but in an envious way, not a really dysphoric one. I am not fembrained at all, nor do I have feminine mannerisms, nor do I particularly want to cultivate them. I am not fond of my penis, but I don't want it to disappear because I do feel at some level that it is *my* sex organ, though I'd prefer a vagina for sex.
I don't want to be trans (voice, passing issues etc). But I also wish I had more trans thoughts so I could just be certain and do it. I don't want the trans thoughts to go away, either (weird, I know). I'm embarrassed to do anything but manmode. I think actual trans people would be racing to start their HRT, and find at least some comfort in being feminine around others.
I do feel a bit happier now, but I think that's just because the decision depression is gone and the "John, 50" brainworm anxiety is fed for now.
I have a gender therapist and she is not helping at all.
Please be honest with me, Any Forums, is the John 50, any-dysphoria-means-always-and-worse-dysphoria thing true? My first real trans thought was only 1 month ago (before that it was shrouded by sissy porn I have since quit). It wouldn't be that bad to wait for like 5 more months or something right?