I'm an MtFtM detransitioner. Wasn't on it too long, just long enough that I got breast budding which caused real dysphoria and I realized this whole thing was a fetish I took too far.
I've been trying to find detransition spaces to talk about my body image issues, in addition to the conflicting feelings I've had psychologically, seeing becoming a woman as this "forbidden fruit," this female persona some part of me wants to be, while the "real" me is strangely dormant and only really rears his head when it comes to actual physical changes. That sort of thing.
But the main thing is dealing with the body dysmorphia caused by the slight breast budding; admittedly I'm a tad peeved because most of the Reddit hons I discussed transitioning with before going on HRT were like "the first few months of breast growth will atrophy if you stop at that point and won't really be noticeable," but then when I came back after detransing they were like "Tee hee, did I say that? I meant all your growth is permanent." And it does seem to be; I can't wear tight shirts anymore for that reason despite being off HRT for almost as long as I was on it, if anything they're still growing.
But I digress, I go into these detrans spaces and not only are they ruthlessly transphobic, they then attack ME for "bringing this on myself." The spaces are mostly FtMtFs who keep droning on about how the patriarchy brainwashed them into transitioning, or some BS like "nobody told me it was OKAY to be a woman who plays baseball!", and when I bring up the complex feelings I had and my reasons to transition they accuse me of fetishizing womanhood and all that shiz. (1/2)
Like, why are those spaces like this? I think there are some REALLY interesting discussions to be had about the nature of gender identity, this idea of having a persona of the opposite gender that you fantasize about and idealize about which I see oftentimes is indulged in via crossdressing or drag, sort of the level of pseudo-dysphoria operating around the lower levels of the Harry Benjamin scale. I can't seem to find that and it's making it difficult to make sense of what's going on with me mentally, also just makes it hard to have an outlet to talk about the struggle I have with ruining my body like this. (2/2)
Lucas Torres
Because most of them are attention-seeking women who don't get any attention and it makes them mad
Julian Young
>were like "the first few months of breast growth will atrophy if you stop at that point and won't really be noticeable," but then when I came back after detransing they were like "Tee hee, did I say that? I meant all your growth is permanent." And it does seem to be; I can't wear tight shirts anymore for that reason despite being off HRT for almost as long as I was on it, if anything they're still growing Holy shit estrogen is poison I am losing my mind
Ethan Roberts
>"nobody told me it was OKAY to be a woman who plays baseball!" kek, encapsulates them perfectly. Sounds like you need to find other guys who had experiences like yours. You can't rely on women for anything, but especially not anything that would require as much empathy from them as this.
Jeremiah Adams
I feel sort of the flipside of you, I always planned to only microdose T for a few months because I'm not throwing away my entire family for the sake of mild gender dysphoria. Now I'm off T because they are starting to get sus, and honestly it sucks a bit to no longer get to take T because some effects have reversed. I cope with it.
I cant hang out with r/detrans because I cant relate to their narratives either. I am "fembrained" with feminine interests through and through, and I knew exactly what T would do and would not do before I decided to use it.
Have you tried r/actual_detrans? It is less transphobic and I find it far more relatable. I believe the gender balance is more balanced there as well.
My hot take is that cis-trans is a spectrum, and that's what I dont really see acknowledged anywhere. There are different levels and types of dysphoria, and furthermore it is possible to get dysphoria in both directions, experiencing dysphoria and reverse dysphoria (eg. A HRT femboy would feel dysphoric about their fat distribution on testosterone. Upon switching to E, they would like the skin and flesh changes, but often get "reverse dysphoria" over boobs).
Tbhon like you, I miss the old times where people acknowledged there was such a thing as having low-level trans desires but not sufficient to warrant actually transitioning. Now we are just termed reppers, and grouped together with the type who are thinking of killing themselves every moment about being their agab. But we know we are not the same. And there are no resources or community for coping with said low level dysphoria.
Julian Evans
This sounds like a Jungian problem. The ‘anima’ in you has impulses that conflict with your ‘ego’ and subsequently manifest as angst. And that builds into extremism, that leads to regretful decisions, which expose the faults in the unconscious impulse, which eventually leads you to look inward to why you act and think the way you do, which full circle ends in probably heterosexuality.
>"the first few months of breast growth will atrophy if you stop at that point and won't really be noticeable," but then when I came back after detransing they were like "Tee hee, did I say that? I meant all your growth is permanent." This is my single biggest fear about hormones. I have the most nagging feeling that my breasts will grow to be monstrously large. This isn't fetish posting either, I genuinely couldn't care less about tits.
Tyler Anderson
>I miss the old times where people acknowledged there was such a thing as having low-level trans desires but not sufficient to warrant actually transitioning. Now we are just termed reppers,
I feel this. Another LGBT discord I was in where I talked about my detransition a bit I brought up how I feel like I'm Type 3 on the Benjamin scale. Got scolded by the mods and almost banned for "promoting transmedicalism."
Xavier Reyes
Explain it to me like I'm 5
Caleb Richardson
He just did
Austin Russell
I don't think you guys are reppers, and it takes guts to admit you made a mistake and be up front about it. Doing so without stigmatizing other trans people or their doctors is all anyone can ask.
It's refreshing to see people who don't have full fledgged dysphoria and high commitment exiting transdom, because to me it counteracts the narrative that were an ever growing virus fueled by propaganda.
As for being upset about physical changes and feeling shame, that does suck. But maybe another way to deal with the light dysphoria could be some form of self gender therapy. Gay men do drag performances. Not sure what might scrath the urge for cis women, my more malebrained female friends seem really into hiking and just getting away from society to cope with sepressio .
Dominic Edwards
What kind of demented five year olds are you talking to
Oliver Miller
Female detransers hate male detransers, they just see us as trannies. I detransitioned (…and later retransitioned but whatever) and not being a feminist who hates anything “trans activists” suggest gets you shit in detrans circles. Its just as annoying as reddit hugbox tranny communities.
Henry Morgan
You have two “brains.” One operates at the surface level, and handles things like verbal/visual thinking, math, ideas, things that happen when you’re consciously awake. The other one is your subconscious, the primal instinct side, which handles things like emotions, fight or flight, sexual impulses, eating and drinking, etc. Sometimes the conscious brain (rational logical verbal/visual) takes some issue with what the unconscious brain (primal instinctual animal) is telling it to do. You give in a little to the anima, and the ego says “hey woah pal wtf you doin bruh cut that shit out,” then you feel guilty about it. Then the next time it happens you feel a little guilty but you give a little more to the anima because it’s not like you were perfect before so whatevs. Then it spirals, then at some point you look at yourself and say “wow, you let that happen?” Then the dysphoria hits, because your ego is “parenting” your anima. Inside you is a handlebar-mustached evangelical, and a spiked-hair punk rocker, and they’re duking it out, and you’re anxious because you don’t know wtf to do about it.
Aaron Reyes
because most normal detransers learn to cope with making a mistake and return to an enby status or something. people who spend time screaming about it online like that lunatic cluniac slowly become more and more insane while dwelling on their poor mistake
