/vent/ thread

just yelling about shit. not really got anywhere i can talk about this so, feel free to do the same.

>be me
>transbian girlmoder
>formerly been in numerous poly relationships but currently in long term mono relationship (5y) with cis lesbian, life together is normal and fulfilling in that boring stable way
>she knows im poly-inclined and has expressed she'd be okay with me experimenting if it made me happy as long as we talked about it
>pandemic related poor mental health means i start spending a lot of time with my two best friends to keep my mood up, chatting all day and watching shows and movies together at night until we fall asleep
>one has a break up, support her through that together
>other has a relative death, support her through that together too
>partner busy most of the time, so i spend more time with them than anyone else for abt 6 months now
>spend christmas and new years together with them
>big argument with partner at the same time, around sex in our relationship and her generally feeling/acting shittier since she's working more and hasnt had a break all year and how im catching shit for it all the time whenever she gets home
>theyre supportive and affirming
>start catching some feelings for them both
>oh no
>feel guilt over being a polyshit cheating slut
>aftershock arguments happen as she feels insecure after the bigger argument
>start having revenge fantasies about fucking them
>great. just act normal, ignore the impulses, work on things with partner so we're not arguing as often
>couple weeks pass
>kinda shit week, another minor argument today over nothing because shes tired and hormonal
>we're all hanging out today
>they kiss.
>had suspected before but this confirmed it
>giwtwm
>feel a bit betrayed, a little heartbroken and utterly disgusted with myself for thinking like this
mentally ill trooner ngmi desu

i dont expect replies i just needed to get it out

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I sexted like 6 dudes in the past 2 days, I'm so horny I need to get off but I'm stuck inside with covid. I can only use my vibrator so many times, I need real meat

Wait your gf and one of the other girls kissed? Or the two girls you have been comforting kissed?

the two girls im comforting with

Damn that has to sting, sorry they weren't more open. Also just curious are you the only trans girl in this lil harem? Just for context of course I'm an mtf myself I obviously see you as a totally valid lesbian. Not trying to be shitty

2tg 2cg ~

Good ratio of perspectives, have you tried telling them you felt a bit left out of the loop. I'm sure they'd listen. Might make you seem a bit needy but if you guys are close I doubt it would matter

Sorry if I said something uncool, I'm not a lesbian so this topics a bit wobbly for me, I know transbians deal with some fucked up stereotyping and I'm not trying to feed into that

i mean, if theyre forming a relationship i dont think i have a right to intrude on it like that?
im in a semi-serious relationship of my own and ive only really recently started crushing on them. one has even said before that our relationship is entirely platonic before; that she loves me dearly as a companion and friend but nothing romantic haha

youre fine dw about it

Oh I see, so it's like just a good old fashion crush. Those can be tough for sure. I'm sure everything will work out user, sorry you had to feel this

yeah. i guess im just feeling guilty over crushing on someone else while im in a relationship.
i feel like a piece of shit for even considering it, but the heart wants what it wants. I just have to figure out if *I* want it, and enough to put other things on the line, outside of the messy feelings I've got.
thanks for listening user

Of course I always love lending an ear

thank you, im sure a lot of people appreciate that part of you :) is there anything you have on your mind today?

The only thing I guess is my financial and living situation, I live in the middle of nowhere where physically taxing jobs are the only ones that pay good without qualifications. theres no way for me to make a wage that is enough to repair my car or put anything aside for laser, so I'm going to start prostitution soon to see if I can get at least enough to get my car fixed, but other than that and making porn vids, my current fast food job is the only way to make money. But I mean this is all stuff I accepted a while back. I'm cool with it if I get to keep transitioning I'm more just worried about the long term.

sounds like youve got a lot of stuff holding you back, im sure youll manage to overcome it though, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders :)
wrt prostitution, remember to stay safe. Don't throw away your pretty little life before it even begins, please.
Are you hoping to move once your car is working?

I want to for sure, I'd like to become a registered nurse up in Canada,. I like helping others and its something I can do for a long long time without worrying about becoming physically drained.

And as for being safe with prostitution, most of my childhood was spent around very dangerous and inebriated men, so even if one of my clients turns out to be a real psycho I can work through it, I know how these guys tick

Being a nurse is such a beautiful goal, I'm sure you'll help so many more people than you have already :)

For the latter part, well, I'm sure you know what you're doing - but well, it just takes one wacko, right? Carrying some pepper spray or having someone who knows where you are checking in our you might save your life. Stay safe

Thanks user I actually haven't been able to talk about this with anyone before, it felt nice

I'm soo lonely

I wanna like stop being an alcoholic drug addict because it's really not good for me. But I pretty much have to stop talking to everyone I know other than my partner because the only people I've like cultivated work or social relationships with for like years are people who put up with me being a drug addict because they are too and like it's just so hard not to relapse in that environment. I wanna like study and get a better job but it seems I'm gonna have to literally spend a year alone doing online stuff in order to make that happen and idk if I'm like actually bettering myself or just cutting myself off from all my friends as emotional self-harm. Life is hard.

Also the doctors think I have a brain tumor so that's fun too yay

Oh my god, a brain tumor is horrifying, do you have insurance to cover the nessesarry procedures?

Thank you too! The least us girls can do is stick together, right? :)

Your environment is a huge contributor to your personal circumstances. If you're uncomfortable with your drug use and your friends aren't supportive of that but you don't want to cut them out, maybe you can explain to them that you want to stop using and you need them to help you quit. If they aren't contributing to your wellbeing, then cutting them out is not self harm.

I hope your potential tumor is either not a tumor is treatable user :) Remember, early detection increases your survival chances massively! If your doctor isn't sure right now then it can't be too late.

Noo I'm in the uk so hopefully they'll be able to fix it for free if it's like a fixable kinda one. Just gotta put up with all the doctors telling me to detransition lol. Or maybe I'm just gonna die soon and there's nothing they can do, idk I'm trying to just not think about it I guess /: I should get the results of the scan they did soon... I actually wanna train to be a nurse too! that's why I need to study because they will cover my tuition if I get good grades but I've gotta basically learn 2 years of college by myself in a year ahhh

also in the uk here, college might feel hard now but i promise its doable in 1 year, i failed out of my first year but they let me stay on if i could do both and while it took work it was definitely doable (and i was still having a life at the time)