I wrote a 2000-word greentext so /tttt/ could Sigmund-Freud my life, but I’m guessing no one wants to read that shit.
>Had a few weird AGP/humiliating sexual fantasies pre-puberty >As puberty happens, discover sissy porn quite early >Bad porn addiction (4-5 hours everyday) >Experiment with crossdressing / anal play >Consider I might be trans a few times, write it off as porn every time >Massively ashamed (conservative at the time) >Continually fail to quite porn >No dysphoria throughout puberty, actually proud of body/facial hair >Have no problem with sex with HS gf, other than porn dick keeping me from finishing occasionally >ff this year at college >New gf helps me quit porn >Actually succeed >Eventually tell her about crossdressing kink >She helps me explore somewhat >Asks if I might be trans >Decide to give being trans serious thought porn-free >Past few weeks have developed weird attitudes towards hetero sex and maybe some dysphoria >Penetrating feels weird >Stroking feels weird >Lost all libido, no fantasies really turn me on anymore >browse /tttt/ obsessively, catch brainworms, doing face and body measurements and comparing to hons / data >Intense (for me) bout of face dysphoria and aging fear >Hate my reflection, it depresses me >Resolved by doing some makeup and covering up parts of my face until I'm convinced I have a chance at passing >Feel weird cuddling as big spoon or arms-around gf, feel good flipped >Feel weird penetrating gf and/or stroking penis >Intensely jealous of a friend who gets she/her'd because he's playing a female DnD character >Watching fashion / get-ready-with-me videos, menstruation tips come up, get sad I won't ever menstruate (wtf)
>Shroom trip and have all kinds of weird visualizations of myself / my soul as girl/boy/flipping >Kind of depressed past few days, definitely related to this, but dysphoria has been mild >Still feel weird about the idea of presenting as a girl around friends or regularly using she/her, but it might just be because I can't see myself passing
I can post the full thing if anyone cares.
I recently turned 20, 6'0", twinkish, face a little fem if I'm kind, pretty decent beard when I let it grow. I'm quite conflicted. Is this /tttt/ brainworms? Why didn't I have any dysphoria earlier? Could the porn have masked/repressed it? I'm scared time is running out for me, but should I wait for more dysphoria to do HRT? Should I do HRT at all or is it too late? (I have a planned parenthood appointment in 3 weeks, not sure if I should cancel)
>Had a few weird AGP/humiliating sexual fantasies pre-puberty trans
Jacob James
I feel a similar way but genderflipped (as a cis woman). I could never have sex comfortably but there were times in my adolescence where I did not have dysphoria and even times where I liked having a female body. There was only very low 'real' dysphoria which was barely there at all. It was developing an AAP fetish that stacked on levels of pseudodysphoria which was much harder to deal with. Despite purging myself of said fetish, the excess ROGD-style pseudodysphoria remains. Quitting all erotica/porn of that sort and not letting yourself get off to it is always a good move, but there is never a further step I have seen prescribed as follow-up treatment for the lingering pseudodysphoria.
Joshua Howard
>Consider I might be trans a few times >Massively ashamed (conservative at the time) >No dysphoria throughout puberty, actually proud of body/facial hair Do you think these might be linked OP? Your shame over being trans blocking your feelings and introspection about it. Why were you proud of your facial hair? Because it made you feel like you were beating the trans shame?
This is what happens to most reppers who fall for the "no-fap" meme - their dysphoria remains and they lose their only excuse for why it exists anymore. They stop masturbating but they still feel dysphoric, which isn't what was supposed to happen.
Do you want the effects of HRT? Do you want to grow breasts?
oh god youre that schizo that made that thread recently
James King
refer to
Adrian Butler
I have some idea but I'd like to read the full thing.
What's your gf's attitude towards things so far?
Jacob Sanders
i actually relate to a good amount of this. im the same age and ive been on hrt for about 4 months now. i did a bunch of research on estrogen and realized i much prefer it to t. even if i turn out not to be a tranny at least ill be less of a man so thats something
Aaron Cooper
>I feel a similar way but genderflipped (as a cis woman). I fucking knew it!
Link that thread please.
Michael Russell
> Why were you proud of your facial hair? Because it made you feel like you were beating the trans shame? Not really actually, I thought I looked good with it. I was averse to shaving even though my gf at the time wanted me too, so maybe I was afraid of that or something. I was sort of excited to see how much I could grow.
> Do you want the effects of HRT? Do you want to grow breasts? Permanent stuff like breasts and atrophy still kind of scare me. I'm kind of at the "I would 60-40 magically transform into a passoid or youngshit" stage.
This is kind of me, I'll read the thread.
> I have some idea but I'd like to read the full thing. Ok I will work on posting it, it's long AF. I'm glad I can at least be entertaining, maybe.
> What's your gf's attitude towards things so far? Supportive most of the time but also sad I don't (right now at least) want to do some of the things I used to like doing.
Josiah Wood
huh
Josiah Smith
Here's the full thing. Lord forgive me for literally diaryposting. I hope it's interesting to read at least.
Childhood
>Mother died too early for me to remember her >Age 6-10 would fantasize regularly before falling asleep about being "made" to dress like a girl, and sometimes getting humiliated for it >Would get erect before I really understood what that meant, found it fun to play a little bit, but the most fun was lying on my stomach with my erect penis pointing towards my feet underneath me. >Distinctly remember one time age 9-10 at school I randomly thought it would be fun to try on a dress, and I should talk to my friends about it. >Immediately realized this was not socially acceptable; don't tell anyone. >10-11 now >Puberty starts to hit >Find softcore porn on the internet, don't know how to masturbate yet, but watch it when I can >Feel proud of growing genital / armpit hair, and having it before other boys >Sort of figure out how to masturbate to porn, do so whenever I can. At this stage it's all heterosexual, normal attraction. >Guess I don't really think about having sex with the women explicitly, because I barely know what that is. >Randomly come across chastity stuff (before ordinary hardcore porn), which turns me on immensely >From that come across sissy porn, which after a short period of initial disgust becomes what I use almost exclusively
John Adams
Adolescence
>Now age 12/13 >Realize I might have a porn addiction from a /r/nofap link on some sissy reddit. >See the stuff I'm watching as wrong in some sense, decide to try quitting. >Can't. >Become severely addicted to porn, 2-5 hours basically every single day. >It's still sissy stuff, so I develop crossdressing / AGP / anal / pegging / forced bi / etc. fetishes. >The classic "penises are aesthetic, but I don't like the men they are attached to" >Order some sex toys, use them and it feels amazing >Crossdress occasionally, but rarely find time alone, and no sister/mother so its hard to find stuff. >Try bras, panties and lipstick a few times, get extremely turned on. >Too scared to buy stuff in person, because I end up jerking off at the thought and then being ashamed of myself. >Shame over porn addiction continues to grow, try to quit on-and-off, come close to throwing away my toys a few times. >Become bayzed conservative (libertarian on trans issues), and this worsens the shame ofc. >Consider a couple times that I might be trans (often the effective endpoint of a sissy fantasy), but its always sexual so I just say it's the porn talking and not me. >Get gf in highschool, sex with her is normal, except for trouble finishing sometimes, which I attribute to porn. >Keep using porn during the relationship. >Gf leaves for college. >Eventually try to cut out the sissy fetish once and for all, keep it at mostly arms-distance for a while, but occasionally relapse. >Stay with that for like 1yr.
Cooper Diaz
Start of this year at college.
>Conservative streak is over, now centrist/neolib and newly trans-accepting. >Get a new gf >Tell her about porn addiction early on, she helps me quit, and soon after I stop using it entirely. >Swear off jerking my dick to maximize sensitivity. >She keeps pushing to know what sort of stuff I'm into (I had hinted my porn kinks were weird but left it at that) >Finally crack and tell her I'm into feminization >She helps me explore it and buy some stuff. >Feel like I've figured myself out: a heterosexual submissive crossdresser, maybe I'd try fucking a guy once or twice. >Don't crossdress outside of a sexual context. (mostly/maybe) >Enjoying being more feminine in some light nonsexual ways, like how we cuddle, speaking softly, shaving my legs, or dabbling in skincare. >No problem having hetero sex, even find the few times I try anal with her involved to be lackluster. >She keeps asking if I might be trans. >Say I'm 95% sure I'm not, but I'll think about it.
Luis Reyes
>sad I don't (right now at least) want to do some of the things I used to like doing. Which sort of things?
Henry Ortiz
1 month ago
>Gf pushes me to try crossdressing in public for a day, she helps me do it. >Feel like a gross pervert because I know I'm instantly "clockable" and even femboyfail (beardshadow shows under makeup) >Enjoyment and desire to be lightly feminine in my interactions with Gf steadily grows. >Decide it's worth giving significant thought to the idea I might be trans. >Look up gender dysphoria, even the "things you didn't know were gender dysphoria" lists >No matches >Browse reddit to read similar experiences >Briefly get "you don't need dysphoria"-pilled, but decide since I like being male socially that it isn't enough >Still uncertain >Go on /tttt/ for the same reasons >Know people here are more honest than twitter/reddit hugboxes >Catch brainworms about my appearance -- face length, shape, body hair, etc -- from reading /tttt/ >Keep wondering if I could pass >Also, I would feel weird presenting as a woman public >I like socially interacting as male with my male friends, and fear what it would be like to socially be a woman >Also career issues come to mind for regular transition >Decide it would be fun to be an HRT femboy, except that breast growth and penis atrophy are irreversible and difficult to control >Uncertain of what to do >While this is going on Gf and I have been having less sex (health and low sex drive reasons from new medication gf is on) >We go to have sex again after a bit >Suddenly find penetration feels weird. >Since quitting porn still haven't been jerking off, been using a vibrator to masturbate because it gets me off easier (AGP + soft-penis-compatible) than jerking it if I'm not using porn >Find it also feels weird to jerk off even if I'm erect >Also have developed a preference for my Gf to "rub" my dick rather than stroke it.
Asher Bailey
How can you blame porn when you had those thoughts as a child before ever seeing porn
Landon Richardson
The things I mentioned in the OP, like penetrative sex (particularly with long thrusting rather than grinding), spooning her. These both feel weird. Also I've been mildly depressed for a week or so now, but nofap ideology might call that a flatline.
Last week
>Browsing /tttt/ regularly >Do autistic shit like compare my midface ratio to hons using pixel measurements to see if I could pass >Suddenly have a bout of gender dysphoria that lasts like 2 days >Hate to see my reflection, startled by it in the mirror, "wish I was genderless or a blob" >Stare at myself in the mirror and feel depressed
1/27/22
>This is the intense part of the dysphoria cycle. >My Gf wants to help me out, does my eye makeup >I put on a mask and a hood so you can only see my eyes, feel like I """pass""" and feel super happy >Also kind of turned on by it, which I hate. >Cry pretty hard because I think I'm weird and broken. >Wish I could cry harder and longer, feel like T is robbing me of emotion >Gf has a small anxiety episode over losing the male me, resolved later that night
>Also have developed a preference for my Gf to "rub" my dick rather than stroke it. trans
Henry Gray
> How can you blame porn when you had those thoughts as a child before ever seeing porn Easy. The fantasies of "being turned into a girl" caused sexual arousal and in the stories I was basically being feminized by a woman and presented to peers in a humiliating way. And the time I thought about crossdressing was basically a one-time thing. I never thought about it again after realizing it wasn't "acceptable."
So I'm just a kinky crossdresser, and I was even before puberty hit.
I'm a serial lurker, of course I've read this. It's a big fear. My real issue is that the dysphoria is mild and has only been around a few weeks at most. So on the one hand, I should wait to see if I'm actually G3 (intensifying feelings after trying to rep), but on the other, I'm rapidly losing any chance at passing.
1/28/22
>Don't feel dysphoric anymore. >Feel just kind of okay. >Gf tells me she always knew / thought something was up with me >Thought I was bi or closeted when we met >Gf says she thinks I'm trans >Don't know what she's read online, but I know she doesn't know many trans ppl or have much experience >Ask her why >She says I act feminine and caring, raise the pitch of my voice slightly when we're alone, shit I already mentioned thats explicitly feminine (grooming and cuddling and talking mostly) >And I’ve enjoyed “””lesbian sex””” and being called “princess” occassionally (AGP af, I know, I want to KMS reading this) >Not sure I believe any of this isn't a massive retcon
Gavin Brown
>>Gf has a small anxiety episode over losing the male me, resolved later that night lucky bitch, my ex dropped me after 6 years for coming out enjoy your lesbianism i guess
Jeremiah Lee
>I never thought about it again after realizing it wasn't "acceptable."
that's caused repressing out of social shame you dumb fuck
and these fantasies STILL PRE-DATE ANY PORNOGRAPHY
Evan Parker
1/30/22
>Shroom Trip to try to think about this >Cuddling with Gf, eyes closed >See family tree with a missing spot for my mother (mommy issues) >Gf moves to fill it in >Begin to basically see myself in the third person >Visualize myself turning into my father >Disgusted by the prospect (aging has been a transition-motivating fear) >Sit up onto my knees irl and suddenly visualize myself as a lost little girl on a hilltop >See this girl walking on a narrow path with tsunamis on both side, one pink one blue, pink wins >Think “this is weird” and engage in meta-cognition about tripping >See my “soul” as a little cartoon cloud moving from vision to vision >The soul is pink >Keeps flying around, and then turns blue >Throughout this whole process occasionally any feminine subject transforms into the “hon” version of myself, and then back quickly
>Trip finishes >Gf and I try to have sex >Realize I basically cannot get horny, and that this has been persistent over the last week or so >Think about fantasies that would usually turn me on, hetero sex, sissy stuff, AGP stuff, anal stuff >Nothing actually gets me fully hard or mentally aroused >Penetrate Gf and sort of gyrate our pelvises together until she finishes >I don’t finish, don’t think I’d be able to >Cuddling Gf, she asks me to spoon her >Mild dysphoria about having my arms around her and not vice versa >Not sure if really dysphoria, but all this feels just slightly “off,” reminding me a little bit of my man-ness, and making me slightly uncomfortable
1/31/22
>Past few weeks have taken to watching fashion / get ready with me type tiktoks/videos >(I like looking at the clothes and learning a bit about how to dress different figures / do makeup / whatever) >One comes up about general health tips for women, including tips for periods >Get mild dysphoria about not menstruating >Like I want to experience menstruation, feel sad that I won’t ever be able to >Wtf
Benjamin Cooper
stop doing shrooms and see a therapist who knows about gender
Andrew Anderson
>Is this /tttt/ brainworms? Why didn't I have any dysphoria earlier? It's common for eggs to think they're straight boys (or the reverse ). ROGD just means the egg realizes something about gender and everything comes crashing down in a dysphoric rush.
>Could the porn have masked/repressed it? Possibly. Anything that takes your mind away from your inner feelings. Having a girlfriend/wife is the textbook way to repress/mask dysphoria. Porn can presumably fill the same role, especially alongside regular sex with a gf. But things change now the trans thoughts are cracking out.
You'll probably be able to libido again using the thought of being a girl, and crossdressing if necessary. But don't let masturbation/sex become a cope for the dysphoria again.
>I'm scared time is running out for me, but should I wait for more dysphoria to do HRT? Should I do HRT at all or is it too late? You know what your ffeelings are and you already want to start. You want to pass and the sooner the start the better. If you change your mind you can always stop.
If anything, start sooner than 3 weeks.
You don't need to present as a woman in public, you can boymode as long as you like. Atrophy can be fought off by keeping getting yourself erect.
>Easy. The fantasies of "being turned into a girl" caused sexual arousal But where did those fantasies come from?
Adam Bell
> that's caused repressing out of social shame you dumb fuck But it was ONE TIME, ever! And not even a need or want, just a desire to try. How not-trans do I need to be for repping to be that easy?
Then I balance that mild-transness against the difficulties and uncertainties of transition, it seems so stupid to try. My life was pretty great until I started thinking about this stuff seriously, this could fuck it all up.
I sound really G3 but I guess I just want "proof" I'm going to troon out eventually so I can just do it now. Still a scary thought tho.
2/1/22
>Feel like transition is on the table >Call Planned Parenthood to make HRT appointment >Already feel stupid about doing it >They ask for things like preferred name or pronouns >Don’t have a new name or new pronouns >Self conscious of my deepish voice >Feel stupid >Feel like I’m rushing things >Appointment in 3 weeks
Now/In General
>recently 20 >6"0 (when standing perfectly straight), 145 lbs stick of a person >Slightly narrow waist, but straight hips/ribcage >Had early-ish puberty >Heavy body and facial hair >Slightly feminine face, if I'm being kind >Confused about what I want >Feel like a pervert for getting turned on by presenting fem (though this has been lessening since nothing turns me on right now) >Feel like it's still the porn talking, I'm still only a few months clean >Feel weird about the idea of interacting with people/friends as a girl >Feel like if I was trans I would have had some dysphoria earlier than 19 >Feel like the dysphoria is pretty mild to warrant transition >Panicked because I don't know whether the dysphoria will persist or if its /tttt/+reddit brainworms, but know I'm running out of time to not become a hon
>I feel like I know exactly what I'm going to be told. But how am I supposed to get over these hangups? Is my mild dysphoria / feminine desires worth the difficulties of transition for the rest of my life?
And that was the end of my diary.
Levi Garcia
Appointment next week. I just want to talk to my fellow schizo/bdd/hon friends online, too. I've become obsessed with this place.
>If anything, start sooner than 3 weeks. I probably would if I could, this was the soonest PP had an appointment near me. How can I do it faster? Does DIY come in less than 3 weeks? I doubt going to a non-informed consent doctor would help, though it might be cheaper for me long term, PP doesn't like my insurance.
>But where did those fantasies come from? The funny thing is these weren't like magical transformation fantasies. They were crossdress -> social humiliation fantasies for the most part. Classic sissy fetish stuff.
Hudson Perez
>>Feel like if I was trans I would have had some dysphoria earlier than 19 so you're genuinely saying you never in your life before felt vaguely sad without being able to pinpoint why?
>I just want "proof" the proof is in doing or not doing it
