I just want to be happy

Having the unchangeable, unattainable goal of being conventionally attractive and hyper feminine while having a very masculine and ugly / borderline deformed physical appearance beyond repair is a pain I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemies.

I feel like my existence is a cruel joke. If there is a God, he created me to point and laugh at. I've seen so many women who naturally look exactly like I wish I could, and every single time I do, the burning question of "Why?" repeats through my head endlessly like a mantra. Why couldn't that have been me? Why? Why? WHY? Even if I'm able to afford all of the surgeries, I still wouldn't be able to come close. My facial structure alone prevents it from ever being possible, and that's just one fork in the road. I'd still have to overcome all of the things wrong with my body.

I like to think I don't deserve this, but I probably do. I'm not a good person, I'm bitter, I'm resentful, but I like to think if some magic entity could simply grant me my one and only wish, and nothing else about my mundane life changed, I would be better. I really would.

Fuck. I just want to be happy, but so long as I'm restricted by the chains of my physical form, that simply is not in the cards. I can't be happy as a manmoder. I can't be happy as a hon. I can't be happy as a twinkhon. Hell, even if by some miracle I was one day able to pass, that may not be enough. I wouldn't be okay with living as an ugly and masc woman. I have a very specific appearance that I would need to attain for me to ever be happy, and achieve a life I believe would be worth living, but unfortunately for me, it just isn't possible. It just isn't. It hurts, this revelation, but I'm tired of deluding myself into thinking "Maybe one day!", or "Maybe after this surgery!". It will never be enough for me. It won't. I don't know why this is my fate, but it is, and I can't accept living like this. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

I just wanted to be happy.

Attached: fuckf.jpg (720x819, 646.05K)

>I have a very specific appearance that I would need to attain for me to ever be happy
your problem is within
>if some magic entity could simply grant me my one and only wish
you would still be unhappy. at the very least, you would still be unhappy you were not always like this, that you "wasted time", that you only got it via magic and it was not natural.
>"Why?" repeats through my head endlessly like a mantra
you require medication and therapy

Sure, I would be unhappy that I missed out on most of my teenage years and what not, but the joy of finally being happy in life would be enough to outweigh it.
>Medication and therapy.
Tried both, it doesn't work. My problem is physical, not mental.

>My problem is physical, not mental.
Doubt

I feel the same way. And there's nothing I can tell you that will make you feel better. I wish I could take the pain, I wish it could go forever. It won't, it'll be with you until you pass user I guess that's why I always come back

Doubt all you want. I know my reality and needs more than you ever could.

I know. I think that's the worst part. No matter what I do, unless by some miracle the impossible becomes possible, I'm always going to feel this way. I don't really wanna die either, but it's a far better alternative than "living" with this shit.

>my mind tells me i can only stop escape misery (a mental state of being) if something objectively impossible happens
>is it my mind that's the problem?
>no, it's that physical reality that's wrong, as it has not reconfigured itself to my arbitrary whim

Why do you make it sound so based

I'm sorry user, I wish I had words that could provide you comfort but I don't. What your going through sounds awful. While I don't know your life or your pains, I would never utter the phrase "I understand what that's like" to anyone about any issue. I will say I do cry and while I'm not religious I beg God to tell me why I was cursed like this in those long and lonely drunk nights on my couch. I don't have a answer for ether of us. But...you are valid...for whatever that statement is worth to you...

Yes. Like, actually yes.
My mind is not the problem, as I would be 100% mentally stable if my appearance was as I desired. I have no other mental issues, and all of my existing ones stem from my appearance, so yes. My body is the problem.

Because it is.

I appreciate the sentiment of this post, and I'm sorry you have similar feelings. I hate that I'm not alone in this. Nobody deserves this.

>I would be 100% mentally stable if my appearance was as I desired
But it's not as you desire. It never will be. Ever.
Thus you are not mentally stable.
You are rejecting reality and yet are confident it is reality that is the problem.
Your problem is mental.
If I said that my problem isn't that I'm schizo, it's that my CIA agent neighbors keep directly speaking into my skull, and if only they'd stop I'd be 100% sane, others would rightfully claim I was indeed a fucking wacko. This sounds just like you.

>It will never be. Ever.
I know. That's why I'm the suicidal husk of a man that I am.
>You're rejecting reality.
I'm not rejecting it. I'm accepting it. The issue is that acceptance allows it to sink in deeper, and increase my agony.
>Your problem is mental.
It isn't. As I said before, I have no mental problems that don't stem from this. If I was able to look the way I wanted to, I would be completely healthy mentally.
>CIA agent in my head.. this sounds just like you, etc,
It really doesn't. I'd also like to point out that you gain nothing from this argument. What's the endgame here? Try and convince me to waste more money on therapy that didn't help? Take medications that just made me feel worse both mentally and physically? I'm not someone you know. I'm just a random man on the internet who's venting about his suffering on the funny Mongolian basket weaving forum. You shouldn't care.

>you gain nothing from this argument
Nobody here gains anything from saying anything. This is irrelevant.
>You shouldn't care.
I guess I have empathy and a distaste for self-delusion. Maybe I'm bored. Who gives a shit.
>It isn't.
You're allowing a single facet of your existence, your superficial appearance (particularly the fact that it does not perfectly align with an objectively impossible ideal you've generated internally), to overpower other aspects of your life and mental balance. This is definitionally a mental illness due to its effects on your life. This is a obsessive disorder. Treatments are available.
The issue is not that "your body is wrong and your mind is right", it's a relative incongruity between your expected and actual self. This incongruity lives entirely within your mind, and with some, there is a hope to adjust the actual to meet the expected - but there is only one way to correct the misalignment in your case, and it's to adjust your expectations, because reality just will not meet your needs. Refusing to do so is willingly choosing to let your life become consumed by an obsessive mental disorder.

I feel the same but I can tell you it's probably mental. But not in the way we think about it. I start to understand how to transcend this one day. We gotta stay strong till then.

Adding: like, completely solve this. I have no idea how yet but I feel that it will happen. For now I'm like miserable myself sometimes.

Okay so, let's say you're right, and that it is a mental problem instead of a physical one. You'd still be ignoring the fact that I've tried therapy. I've tried medication. I've tried support groups for both trans people and body dysmorphia in general. I've tried changing my standards, I've tried combinations. I've tried fucking everything, dude. It doesn't work for me. The only thing that would work, and make me okay, is if my physical appearance was exactly how I like it. I know that's impossible, I'm not dumb, but that doesn't mean I'm able to move on. As it is impossible, and I'm not able to move on, or live a happy life without this, my only options are to live a miserable life (and why would any sane person do that?), or cease living any life. I don't understand what you can't grasp here. Mental treatments haven't worked, and you can probably take a wild guess as to why (Hint: It was the last sentence I said here - ).

I don't know. The fact that I don't have any mental issues that aren't directly tied to my appearance makes me think that it's physical. I keep repeating myself, but that's because it's true: If my physical appearance was exactly the way I want, I would be 100% mentally healthy. My mind / standards aren't the problem, my body is.

fix your insides first fix what you can, and then work to save up and get a better job and get surgeries to help out. I don't give a fuck how poor you are. America is about making something of yourself and then doing what you want with it.
>I'll be too old
you're never too fucking old.

Yeah, I get that. It's just that society made the word mental a different thing. It's more like, this entire universe is "mental". It all is a part of a mind.
So... Something tells me we all will make it. And you'll be like one of my "friends" too. Cause we were similar in this s*it.
Sometimes I stop believing this but then something happens...

I wanna be able to enjoy my youth as who I'm supposed to be though. Also, I don't think surgery can get me to where I wanna be. My face structure is beyond repair, especially considering my goals, and that alone is gonna fuck me over big time. Not to mention my swimmer-tier body.

I hope so, but I can't see myself ever making it to where I wanna be. Not in this life, with this form. Maybe in the afterlife if there is one, or if reincarnation is a thing. Maybe.

Yeah... There's something really weird about this world you know.. but time will reveal this. For now, gotta believe and find happiness in little things.. There must be a reason why I feel this way in that physical body cause /shrug.

Yeah, life is hell. If I could afford FFS I'd at least feel like I had a hope but I'm from a poor family and live in England so being born poor means I'll always be poor.