HARRY POTTER!
>flips table
DID YOU
>punches snape
PUT YOUR NAME
>punts cat across hall
IN THE GOBLET
>choke slams mcgonagall
OF FIRE HARRY
>bitch slaps weasly
WHO PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET
>glances back
>sets entire house slytherin on fire
HARRY POTAH!!!!
>dumbledore said calmly
HARRY POTTER!
Aaron Williams
Luis Gomez
>“Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!”, boomed Dumbledore calmly. It was the first evening of the school year and the students were seated in the hall. The wizened old headmaster paced back and forth in front of the main table, gathering his thoughts.
>“I know you are all anxious to begin the feast, but there are a few ground rules that we need to go over before the start of this academic year. Given the events of the last term, a number of new restrictions have been put in place."
>“Firstly, there will be no more WhizBangs inserted into other students’ rectums! Yes, even if it is consensual, Fred Weasley! I simply cannot condone more than three or four reconstructive anal surgeries to take place per school year.”
>"The constant littering in the restrooms will stop immediately. Our caretaker, Mr. Filch, spent this past summer trying to recuperate from a particularly embarrassing case of gonorrhea having to clean up after you lot. If I hear of one more used Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Condoms found on the school grounds I will personally revoke all of Slytherin’s points!”
>Dumbledore paused, then began to stretch his mouth again, “On a similar note, graffiti is strictly forbidden. Last semester, Hogwarts was defaced by a spree of senseless vandalism. We found the initials ‘DEH’ carved no less than one hundred forty-seven times into the castle walls, desks, and even Mr. Filch’s cat.”
>“Lastly, in order to enforce these new rules, I have hired a platoon of private contractors to patrol the grounds. Yes, many of them are dementors or ex-Azkaban prisoners, but until some of your parents cough up your tuition fees, I’m afraid Hogwarts will have to settle for the lowest bidder. In light of the fact that some of the ex-cons have not been sufficiently reformed, I have generously given each student a rape whistle and signed them up for a self-defence class at Bunn’s Gun and Run (formerly Snape’s) in Hogsmeade.”
>“Let the feast begin!”
Matthew Parker
based
cringe
Jason Jackson
>”For the house cup, I award Slytherin one point for each Jew killed in ten holocaust,” said Gandalf. An excited murmur arose from the Slytherin students, before Gandalf spoke again.
>”That will be…” Gandalf smiled, “0 points!”
Xavier Baker
>u evah wonder what happened to my parents ron?
Leo Perez
>Bunn’s Gun and Run (formerly Snape’s)
bloody hell
Jason Adams
posting in a reddit thread.
put me in the screencap!
epic!
upvote my good sir!
Jacob Bell
I love these threads. They make me genuinely laugh, which helps me get to sleep while I have withdrawals trying to quit drinking. Thanks anons.
Asher Anderson
"Harry, I created Pride Parade when I was in my early years at Hogwarts. People said that I should be ashamed of who I am. But I fought against it. Then I started NAMBLA and luckily the women were more concerned about being more virtious than the men hating me... that they simply overlooked the deeper psychological trauma that made me want the age of consent to go to 0."
Zachary Taylor
does the american wizard school have school shootings or school castings or whatever the fuck
Daniel Lewis
Just tranny's allowed to teach storytime
in the common rooms. Parents are not told of any of this.
Anthony Price
no, too many good guys with wands
Isaiah Turner
>”Welcome Children! To yet another wonderful year at Hogwarts!”, Dumbledore quietly screamed at the top of his lungs. It was the very first night of the school year, and all the little wizards and witches were squirming in their seats anxious for the year to begin. As they fiddled, the time tested Headmaster approached his podium, an artifact that had become synonymous with his world renowned speeches and insights.
>”Silence!!!!” He whispered like a banshee, “Now, now, I know you are all very excited, as am I but first I must lay down some ground rules, I have listened to your grievances and I’m pleased to announce there will be some stark changes from the year before. The students as if a spell had been cast over them, fell silent many were hoping for such a thing, after all…welll…the incidences that occurred the year prior.
>Dumbledore sternly yet fiercely announced the first change, “After the alarming amount of Hufflepuff suicides last year, the use of the spell sectumsempra will be banned within the living quarters. Should any student desire to seek the purely medical, permanent and gender affirming consequences of said spell they may personally seek myself out and I will see to it that the student is inspected physically and mentally to assure such a procedure, as the Americans call it, is not Botched.
>the slythern 4th years began to snicker and jeer, after all they were the ones that had spent the majority of the 3rd semester casting Imperius Curse on hufflepuffs causing them to use sectumsempra so unceremoniously on themselves. Dumbledore knew this as well, but he had to make it appear that he gave a damn or that vapid cunt Rita Skeeter would have the Ministry of Manic breathing down his throat again, it would be the 1978 Polyjuice orgy scandal all over again.
>”SILLLENCCCEEEE” Dumbledore yet again found himself yelling calmly, he told himself this year he would get even with those pesky slytherins despite their shared sense of humor
Jackson Rivera
Shut up, Pottuh.
Nathan Price
Beautiful
Ryan Anderson
Yea
Mason Peterson
*Dumbledore clears his throat*
>My dear Students, dear fellow teachers and dear Hogwarts staff!
>Standing here today at the dawn of a new schoolyear, I'd be remiss if I didn't inform you of some new and rather important developments, before we become too befuddled by our excellent feast.
>First of all, Gryffindor will start this year with minus seven hundred quintillion house points.
*Bewildered students look at each other*
>As I'm sure you want to know my reasoning behind this, let me move on to the second point, which, incidentally, will provide an answer for you. To keep it short and simple I... how shall I put this...
*Dumbledore points his wand to his neck to amplify his voice*
>I AM GOD!!!!!!!! I AM THE MASTER OVER LIFE AND DEATH AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED! HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU! WEASLEY, RON! STAND! AVADA KEDAVRA! MINERVA! STAND! AVADA KEDAVRA! GRANGER! AVADA KEDAVRA! TABLES TWO AND FOUR! AVADA KEDAVRA! ARE YOU CATCHING ON TO WHAT I'M TRYING TO CONVEY HERE? CATCHING MY DRIFT, YEAH? GOOD. MOVING ON! THE DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASS WILL HAVE A NEW TEACHER, HIS NAME IS TOM RIDDLE, YOU PROBABLY KNOW HIM BY HIS MONIKER LORD VOLDEMORT. I HAVE SENT MR. HAGRID TO GET ME AS MUCH AS TEN BASILISKS WHO WILL ROAM THE SCHOOL FREELY! QUIDDITCH RULES HAVE CHANGED THUSLY: THE QUAFFLE IS NOW MADE OF A HIGHLY VOLATILE EXPLOSIVE THAT WILL DETONATE AT THE SLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTEST TOUCH, THE BLUDGERS ARE NOW MADE OF TUNGSTEN AND ARE KEPT AT A TEMPERATURE OF PRECISELY 6,152°F (3400°C) AND THE GOLDEN SNITCH IS NOW MADE OUT OF FROZEN VX. SWALLOW THAT, POTTER!
*Dumbledore removes the wand from to his neck*
>Other than the aforementioned revisions in curricular procedure, things are bound to go their usual way, at their usual pace. And never forget: Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Ethan Foster
>Attention, young students. As many of you already know, a certain mass murderer has escaped from the Azkaban Magical Prison/Perpetual Torture Facility. This may seem concerning as nobody has even been known to escape from Azkaban before and because, by all reports, he is specifically targeting a student of this very school. Nevertheless, I assure you we have taken all the necessary precautions. Among those precautions are the dementors. Yes, the demonic jailers from the very same magical prison whom this killer has already learned to elude. I would also like to inform you all that those horrible specters floating above every entrance and patrolling the school grounds do indeed harbor no regard for human life nor possess the ability to differentiate innocent students form the vile murderers whom they do torment. That said, however, with all likelihood they will not try to suck out and consume your living soul so long as you stay out of their way and have not had a particularly hard lot in life. In light of this information, I still elect to not include the effective Patronus Charm spell into your yearly curriculums. If you do, for whatever reason, still desire to further protect your young soul from these ghastly wraiths you will be able to stay after hours with the known werewolf I have employed this year. Good luck.
Tyler Gutierrez
>Ron looked up suddenly, squinting in confusion. "Bloody hell, what is that?" Harry followed his gaze, until he too saw it - soaring above their heads was Hedwig, silhouetted against the Great Hall's magnificent cloudy-sky ceiling. Clutched in her talons was a large, red envelope. "Isn't that a Howler?," Hermione observed. Harry blinked in confusion, and watched as Hedwig passed overhead. Twice more she circled the Great Hall, before finally releasing the envelope. It fell through the air and landed with a dull thud at the Professor's table, directly before Dumbledore himself. Professor Dumbledore was utterly still. He glanced down at the crimson envelope without moving his head. The Great Hall grew quiet as the envelope unfurled itself, twisting and contorting into the shape of a wicked, fanged mouth. The Howler took a deep breath, and began to bellow.
>"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE IS A FAGGOT! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IS A QUEER! YES, DUMBLEDORE, HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY! HE ONLY FUCKS BOYS! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE EXTINGUISHED HIS PURE WIZARD BLOODLINE IN THE ARSEHOLE OF GELLERT GRINDLEWALD WHEN THEY WERE 15! QUEER FAGGOT DUMBLEDORE CRAVES GAY CUM! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE MASTURBATES IN THE BOYS DORMITORIES! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IS A CARPET MUNCHER!"
>The Howler floated back down to the table, extinguished. All of the students were utterly silent. After a long, shocked pause, Professor Dumbledore rose to his feet. "Professor McGonagall," he said calmly, "Please lock all of the doors to the Great Hall."
Logan King
>DUMBLEDORE IS A CARPET MUNCHER
user...
Chase Clark
>Ron shuffled his feet uncomfortably as he stared at them, hands tangled in a worried knot
>"What the fuck you doin' Weasley?! You better not be looking away from them!",yelled Malfoy as he stroked his rock hard member as it protruded proudly from his wizarding robes.
>Ron glanced up sheepishly to see Harry vigorously pounding Hermione from behind on the Gryffindor commons table.
>Harry looked over his shoulder at his friend with a slight grin on his face.
>"C'mon Ron", Harry grunted in between his rapid thrusts, "no need to be coy. Take it all in."
>As he plowed deeper and deeper into Hermione's beet red pussy he looked over at Dumbledore, himself deeply entranced in the act taking place before him.
>"I much prefer this Chamber of Secrets to the other, professor!" Harry exclaimed.
>"FOCUS BOY!" Hissed Professor Snape, rubbing the tip of his precum glazed penis with his thumb.
>"You're just like your father. He could never take a proper inter-house fuck train seriously either."
>The look on Dumbledore's face lightened somewhat as Harry's thrusts became quicker.
>"You getting your vinegars, young mister Potter?" Dumbledore asked in his usual, calm tone
>Harry didn't have time to respond before he began to ejaculate wildly deep inside of Hermione's slick cunt.
>Falling over her back, he licked the sweat from her skin and gazed up at the clock.
>"Twenty-one minutes... looks like a new house record." Harry muttered out in gasping breaths.
>Snape's dick began to go limp.
>Dumbledore, slapping Harry on the back, exclaimed, "50 points for Gryffindor."
>Ronald looked back down at his feet, tears welling in his eyes.
>Malfoy looked over at Dumbledore and yelled, "He cheated! There must have been a spell or some such!"
>Tucking his willy back into his robe he stormed passed Snape and over to the common room door.
>"My father will hear of this", Malfoy whispered as he stormed out of the room.
Alexander Evans
> Bunn’s Gun and Run (formerly Snape’s)
MY FUCKING SIDES