JERRY: I don't believe it.. I just got banned from Any Forums! GEORGE: Banned? For what? JERRY: I have no idea! I was just making a thread about Tucker Carlson and-- GEORGE: That'll do it. audience laughs JERRY: ..What? GEORGE: No Tucker threads! audience laughs JERRY: But he's on TV! GEORGE: Poor, naive Jerry... You think the jannies really care if he's on TV or not? Oh, no. They don't want those threads. JERRY: Well, what do they want? GEORGE: Just look at the catalog, Jerry. *Jerry scrolls through his phone* JERRY: Jonah Hill. David Lynch. Sneed. Idris Elba. Star Wars. Gordon Ramsay. Sneed. Bane. Dune. Star Wars. Bane... It's just the same things over and over! audience laughs. George puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder. GEORGE: For you. audience laughs. slap bass riff. commercial break
George is sitting on Jerry's couch, typing something on his phone. He looks frustrated I thought you didn't use Any Forums, Jerry? I don't. Then how come you're banned? Oh, Kramer has been waging some sort of war with the moderators, he got the whole building rangebanned. HE WHAT? Yeah I guess so. Why do you come over here to make your Any Forums posts anyways? I don't see why you can't just post in your own home. George mumbles something What was that? I got banned too, ok? Easy solution, just reset the router. Last time I did that my father thought I had permanently ended his internet access. He chased me through the house with a shoe...
J PETERMAN: Elaine, it has come my attention you own Litecoin, ADA and BSV. ELAINE: No, mr. Peterman, please, i don't own any crypto... Please, check my wallet, i don't even like crypto- J PETERMAN: Enough babble, Elaine. I too dabbled with crypto on my Lisbon Web summit, i have received a whole airdrop of bitcoins, whole lot, thousands. ELAINE: Thousa-? Of bitcoi-ins? J PETERMAN: Elaine, let me tell you, the only thing that works in crypto is buying high and selling low, rest is just nonsens! ELAINE: What about mining? You know, to confirm transact- J PETERMAN: Ha-Ha, mining??! Mining is phantom Elaine, it doens't exist. ELAINE: It doesn't? But my boyfrien- J PETERMAN: Elaine, i am surprised that you have shown such tech afinity, that's why i am naming for discord moderator of J Peterman crypto discord. ELAINE: (completely resignated) Yes, mr. Peterman. J PETERMAN: Oh, dont be such grime, we have the best memes on our channel! And you love memes! ELAINE: Yes mr. Peterman, i love memes.
Cooper Cruz
JERRY: Everyone's getting rich but me from this crypto hype. I'm down over five thousand bucks you know. And coinbase support is no help. I call everyday and still can't get my money back.
GEORGE: Coinbase? Why'd deposite there?? So you didnt use MY affiliate link i sent you for FTX?? Why'd you do that?
JERRY: I was playing wordle and it kept popping up so i thought they were legit. FTX is ran by some 20 year old kid.
GEORGE: So? 20 year olds are the only ones that get crypto. Pass me the salt.
JERRY: Hey'd you hear about Elaine becoming discord moderator at J Peterman?
GEORGE: Discord mod?? Elaine??!? I WANTED that job!
JERRY: Well i'm sure if you'd talk to her you'd be hired immediately. She doesn't know how to meme.
GEORGE: I'm a good memer. JERRY: You do meme quite good. GEORGE: Cmon, im really good at it.
JERRY: How hard can it be? If crypto is down you use pink faces and if it's up you use green faces.
GEORGE: Wojaks, Jerry. They're called Wojaks! Pink for down, green for up. JERRY: Ok, George, i get it.
GEORGE: (looks at phone screen) God i hope chainlink hits 100 bucks.
JERRY: Just sell your links and go work for Elaine. At least earn back they money you lost.GEORGE: NEVER JERRY. I'M NEVER SELLING! George storms out of the coffeeshop, comes back. NOT SELLING!
Cameron Sullivan
Jerry: whats so great about those tokens anyway George: theyre non-fungible jery Jerry: non fungible? George: they cant be funged! Kramer: you know my friend bob sacamano, he funged a token once Jerry: what happened Kramer: lets just say he wont be funging again
Elaine enters Jerry's apartment "Jer? You the door was open, are you in here?" "Elaine get out!" Jerry's voice comes from behind the bathroom door. "Jerry, what are you doing in there?" Cut to Jerry spraying lysol everywhere. "She gave me Covid Elaine! She said she got the vaccine! Now I'm quarantined in here!" Kramer enters, "Hey, Elaine. Hey JERRY! I got to borrow your computer!" Jerry sighs, "What do you need that for Kramer?" "Fortnite Jerry! The girls in my creative pottery class are all about those wacky dances!" "Can't you just watch those on Youtube?" Kramer laughs, "That's what the computer is for!" Shaking his head, he takes the PC out. Elaine: "Covid, is that some kind of fungus?" "Haven't you been watching the news? This is the biggest virus in the history of mankind, the plague has got nothing on this thing!" "Bigger than AIDS?" "AIDS has dreams where it's as big as Covid, now get out of here, before I infect you too! "Wait Jerry, could you do me one favor? I need you to call J Peterman and tell him you gave me Covid?" "Why?" "Because if I get sick and he will insist I work remotely. REMOTE WORK JERRY! Think of all the time I'll have!" "I can't Elaine, I can't even leave this room to answer the phone, Kramer has been slipping peanut butter and Captain Crunch sandwiches under the door!" "Well what should I do then?"
"Ask George!" "George is no good, ever since I slept with his cousin who looks like him he's been weird with me. " "Well, I can't help you, so unless you come from the future where Trump cures Covid, I'm stuck sleeping in my bathtub for two weeks!" Elaine puts on her mask. "Hah, two weeks, ever notice how everytime they tell us the world is coming to an end, it's a two week time frame? What's up with that?" "Elaine if you got a minute could you head to the store and get me some more mouthwash?"
Elijah Green
OPENING SCENE: COFFEE SHOP JERRY AND GEORGE JERRY: I still don't get it. GEORGE: It's simple. The blockchain is like an immutable line of transactions. Before another transaction is made, you have to verify the past transactions, so yours can be added at the front. JERRY: Sure, but what is the point? Why not just use regular money? GEORGE: It's decentralized Jerry, no central banks involved. All you need is a computer, and you're good to go. (ELAINE ENTERS) JERRY: George was just telling me about how he invested in cryptocurrency. ELAINE: That's awful! Do you know how much electricity those things cost? GEORGE: Oh! Here we go! ELAINE: It's terrible for the environment! GEORGE: And your hairspray isn't bad for the ozone layers? ELAINE: At least I have hair! GEORGE: That does it! I'm leaving! ELAINE: Hey why don't you spend all your crypto winnings on a hair transplant? (GEORGE LEAVES) JERRY: Geez, Elaine, what's gotten into you? You know he is very self-aware about his hair? ELAINE: I know, I'm sorry. It's just that new guy I've been dating. He just goes on and on about crypto. He won't shut up about it! (GEORGE ENTERS AGAIN) GEORGE: Aha! ELAINE: Aha what? GEORGE: You're no better than me! You're daying guys who are bad for the environment! That's basically encouraging them. ELAINE: Well at least I'm not the one listening in on a private conversation! GEORGE: Private?! We're in public.
Nolan Scott
Kramer becomes addicted to this new hip imageboard and spends most of his day on it He only comes over to Jerry's to charge up his laptop Jerry gets concerned about how long Kramer spends on that "stupid cartoon board" and tells him that "something has to change" "You're right Jerry!" Next day Kramer confesses he became a janitor on the imageboard "It's great, Jerry, I knocked the application out of the park! I thought I was gonna have a lot of competition but they were practically BEGGING me to do it!" "You became a janitor? On that site? Kramer, nothing's changed, you just monetized your addiction, can't you see?" "Oh no no no Jerry, you got it all wrong, I'm not getting paid." "No pay?" "Nope." *mouth pop sound* "So why..." "Because it's not about the money! The past few weeks I've been trying to track down this one guy who keeps messing up the board with those inappropriate pictures I was talking about...." Kramer leans in on Jerry and lowers his voice "Yeah, yeah, you told me..." "Well, I almost got him Jerry! I will bring him to JUSTICE for the smut and filth he's spreading on MY board. With my new janitorial powers, I will have the means to find out who he is and stop him." jumpcut to Newman sitting in his apartment in front of a laptop giggling, wearing a headset "I'd like to see you try...... Janny" audience laugh track
Ryan Wright
he GAPED me jerry he gaped you? wide as the grand canyon i can't believe this...was he spongeworthy? he didn't even try for that hole jerry, just bent me over, face down in the mattress and gaped me as wide as a sinkhole i swear if he jumped in he could have ended up in china! i can't believe you got gaped by the time we were done, his whole apartment hallway reeked of ass (george enters) Whats going on? Elaine got gaped Jerrryy don't tell him that (georges stares and breathes heavily) you were gaped? I can't believe this Whats the problem do you know how long I've tried to gape a woman? I'm lucky if I can spread at all! (kramer enters) GIDDY UP!
Jerry standing at the kitchen counter on his phone enter Kramer audience shits and pisses themselves Kramer hovers over Jerry for a moment KRAMER: Gaaaah Jerry looks up confused
JERRY: What? KRAMER: I can't believe you're still posting on regular old Any Forums Jerry! JERRY: Where else would I go? I don't read Japanese and the other is killed. KRAMER: C'mon don't you remember? The "secret" Any Forums boards? JERRY: Oh those are fake. KRAMER: AaahaaaAAahaaAhhHH. Y'know my buddy Bob Sacamano gave me the low-down all all those boards. Like /cu/
JERRY: /cu/?! There is no /cu/ Kramer." KRAMER: Because it's hidden. JERRY: Then tell me, what is /cu/? KRAMER: Weelll, you know I shouldn't. JERRY: Come on, tell me all about this great secret board called /cu/! KRAMER: Aaaalright. I'll give you a hunt. Starts with a c and a u, and uh... it rhymes with "honey." Jerry's jaw drops and the audience explodes in laughter JERRY (mouthing the word): "Cu-nny?" KRAMER: Bingo!
Thomas Davis
Jerry: So I've been seeing this girl and get this. She posts racist memes on Any Forums George: racist memes? Jerry: She's a shitposter George: A shitposter? Jerry: She posts shit George: Wow. I never thought Women could be shitposters. I've heard of men but not Women. Kramer: You know, I'm a shitposter. Jerry: You are? George: Why do you do that Kramer? Kramer: A little light trolling is good for you George once you try it you'll never look back Jerry: Don't do it George. Remember Bania? He got banned, blocked and deleted on all social media for posting that stuff. Kramer: Did he use an anonymous account? Jerry: No Kramer: Big mistake.
Go to Any Forums if you want to talk about Tucker and politics, Jesus Christ, you have your own board for exactly this
Charles Lee
2 posters lmaooo
Gavin King
cunny doesn't rhyme with honey
Connor Brown
JERRY: Kramer, don’t post the n-word! KRAMER: Relax, Jerry.. It’s anonymous. Nobody will know it’s me. JERRY: But it says Cosmo Kramer right there. KRAMER: Oh, no… THE AUTOFILL!!!
Ryder Robinson
No! All of 4channel must know about Tucker's tight, pink asshole! Tucker is LITERALLY built to pleasure manly conservative dick and I am not ashamed to say it!!
