Well Any Forums, I've sabotaged the final important relationship keeping me around...

Well Any Forums, I've sabotaged the final important relationship keeping me around. Don't know why I feel the need to share here, but I wanted to talk about it somewhere. At some point before the month ends, I'll be killing myself. I still have the friendships with my group and a relationship with my mother, but that's not really enough for me to be honest, and I can't bring myself to sabotage those completely. I'm not sure why. They're not relationships I can live for, though, and I've finally killed the one relationship that I could see myself living for. I hope you guys enjoyed my poems all last month, I've written my final one today. I'll make sure it gets posted somewhere before I catch the bus. Hope you're all well.
-K

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Don't kill yourself. Go to the UK and get BUMMED by a big British cock! You will feel much better I promise!

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We're on the same boat. Want to do it on the same day? Might as well have someone to say hello to in the fiery pits

I think I'll just kill myself but thanks for the suggestion user

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Depends on how you plan to go out. My last resort will probably be jumping, but I'm looking on SS for someone who might have a firearm or nembutal I can use first.

Uncle Yuuichi is a relateable character, bless him. Still a scumbag at times but he's self-aware and you can't fault him for that.

I think he's just trying his best, which is why I related so much to him. I'm admittedly not as scummy, but I struggle just as much with self-awareness. Hell, I sabotaged my relationship with the literal perfect woman because I was aware that I would never deserve her. I respect him, because he has the intelligence to know what he's doing, and truthfully I think he fights as hard as he can.

I was either going to overdose or just venture out into the cold. I live in a rural area that's always snowy, with no shortage of aggressive wild animals. If I went out in next to nothing and just walked deep into the treeline, it wouldn't take long for me to give back whatever I've taken from god.

I would recommend that over an overdose friend. Overdoses are highly prone to failure and also painful as fuck. I considered doing the same, as once hypothermia sets in you'd just fall asleep slowly. It's not really an option for me now though, so I've just started reducing the amount I eat and drink as a fallback while I look for other options. I don't know if I could time it with yours, but I wish you luck.

Good luck fren, I wish you the best

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Thank you fren. I wanna share a dream I had a few months ago. It was a dream that I was lying on the couch, in an unrecognizable apartment, and there was a woman. She brought in a bowl of popcorn, and then she put my head on her lap and played with my hair. And that was all, but it felt so real. Then I met the woman from the dream (this is in my actual life) and now I've gone and sabotaged everything because I'm a coward. I don't know or care if you or anyone else cares, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I think I'm my own greatest barrier to happiness, along with the one person I can't really overcome in life. Except, of course, by blowing the bastards imagination across the walls.

Nigger you have 1 free pass. If you're just going to die anyways then fuck it - just do whatever you've always wanted to do, and wait to kys until after. Take out a personal loan to go to Costa Rica and do ayahuasca with a shaman and see if it unfucks you. Or just go to Thailand and fuck cheap hookers with no condom. Not like debt or STDs matter if you're dead

This is exactly what I would like to do. The thing is, the only thing I've always wanted to do is blow my fucking skull cap off. So in a sense, I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted to do.

I do care and I am glad to hear that you're able to talk about it, fren. It's going to sound weird suddenly from the guy who's certain of what he's going to do, but I hope something comes that convinces you that life is worth it once again. Be it someone you love or something you love to do. How did you sabotage it with her, if I may ask?

Eh, lots of stuff. I blocked her at one point cause I thought she was dumping me and it kinda triggered some shit from the fallout of my last relationship. Then I was just an apathetic and unhinged piece of shit cause I was off my meds. By the time they started working again it was kinda too late so I just said fuck it and killed the relationship completely.

As hard as it may be and as worthless as it may make you feel, try talking to the friends you mentioned about her and ask yourself how she made you feel. Make a list of what was important about her to you. Losing you would hurt your friends, and I wish I realized that when I still had them. If you can't bring yourself to, don't force yourself

Truthfully I know what it is though. In reality the only thing I want is someone to live for. A girl to play with my hair like in my dreams and tell me that everything will be okay. I've got incredible friends. I've got a wonderful and caring and understanding family. But I want someone who sees me for what I am, the disgusting, spiteful, loathesome creature that I am and love me anyways. I don't know, before this I just got out of a long-term abusive relationship. Maybe I just need to feel needed. Like, really needed. I think it would be nice to have someone live for me just as I live for them.

I can understand that fren, and it's beautiful that you want to be there for someone. Do you have any hobbies that you're passionate about? It may help alleviate how you feel about yourself if you have something to put your mind and hands to other than somebody else for now

How can I find your poems in the archives? Mind posting your personal favorite?

Haha funnily enough my greatest passion in life is poetry.
If you look for daily poetry post you should be able to find it, I always posted with a picture of bugsnax. As for my personal favorite, well it's this one, largely because it's dripping with irony. In reality, this isn't love at all, but I digress:

Take one final look
Then wave goodbye
And allow me to rook
You of sleepless nights

We can travel to Mars!
We can live near the brook
We could shun planes and cars!
And only eat what I cook

Maybe a castle in the city
Or our own cozy nook
Though it would be quite a pity
If we had not enough books

A cozy farm
With fields of stook
And a rickety barn
Whose foundation shook

Of you I would rook
Your sleepless nights
If you'd give me one look
And never leave my sight

Honestly, this is actually really good. I like it. Writing used to be how I dealt with my own sorrow, and I found it significantly easier to be creative whenever I was down. Don't get yourself into that same trap, but you should keep at your poetry. See if you can't use it, like all art, to get a better understanding of how you feel

Thanks friend, I think I've already fallen into that trap though haha. Almost killed myself three times over the last four days and I've written more in such a short time period than ever before. I think I understand how I feel pretty well though, I just need to do something about it.

I just hope we're not making a bad decision. You've got a gift, I hope you can put it to some higher use.

Maybe we are. I'm not sure. What greater purpose is there for someone in life than to give their life for those around them? I said this to a friend of mine earlier, but how can I as a man continue to live knowing I cause harm and pain and suffering and panic? I've lost the only two people in life who saw something worth loving in me. Maybe they're right.