Where do i buy sodium nitrate or whatever...

it's used to preserve meat, maybe ask your local butcher or a factory that makes canned meat

i don't know, it's been this way for at least like 2 years, i literally can't remember the last time things were good or worthwhile. i was okay playing video games with my bf and whatever because at least i had someone to talk to but now i don't even have that. so, no, there really isn't a lot to do. again user, thanks but i'm just trying to figure out what to buy and how not to fuck it up lol

its not over till its over. do you think you are ugly? or whats the matter here

it's okay not to try and remember it, u dont need to think abt the past. think about the future - what do you want to do? what do you want to feel?

like i said, i'm ugly, i literally have no friends, i have tremendous social anxiety and no clue how to meet or talk to new people on account of the fact that i haven't spoken to anybody aside from my ex bf for over a year, etc.
it's hard to not think about the past when it's fucked me over as much as it has. i don't know how to answer those last two things.

I know, the past is hard, isn't it? I'm still hung up on things that happened years ago now, though it's gotten easier to deal with those memories and feelings with time.

Let's rethink things then - instead of thinking about what you want, let's try and change a little how you think about your life right now. You have a lot of things you dislike in your life. Is it possible you could put these as desires instead? For example:

I don't like that I have no friends. I want to have friends.
I don't like that I don't know how to meet or talk to new people. I want to know how to, and to for real eventually meet and talk to new people.

These are things you want, that would make your life more worth living to you. What helped for me when I was struggling with intense suicidal feelings was making a list of these little things and thinking of it as an ideal life I could have. And slowly but surely, once I knew and accepted I wanted those things, I could try and get them.

obviously not too ugly and socially anxious to get a bf then

idk i just got lucky i guess he's not even around now so it doesn't matter
i don't know, i'm tired and i don't really care anymore. considering how easily i just lost the only person i had to talk to, i don't think there's much of a point. i doubt i'm capable of talking to people at all at this point lol

get lucky again , what if your self perception is off

You care quite a lot really don't you? Look at how worked up you've gotten, you poor thing. It'll be okay.

I think there's plenty of a point. If you've felt happy before, then you know what you're missing out on if you don't pursue it! Don't let these feelings trap you, user. I think you're talking just fine.

it's not. besides getting a bf happened when i actually spoke to people which is out of the question now.
i don't and i'm also not sure why you care. i literally do not remember the last time i was happy and have nothing better to do lmao

I care because it's natural for me to, I guess? If you see an animal in pain, most people will want to help. I guess it's something like that, but for people! You can consider me a selfish, nosy busy body who can't leave people who look like they're struggling alone, if it helps :p

You say you don't remember the last time you were happy, but I don't think that matters - you have a point of comparison, some idea of things being 'better' that you are reaching out for when you say you want someone to talk to. If that was a life you were 'okay' with living, then it's okay to start from that kind of place and figure things out from there.

Starting a meat market as a way to overcome your loneliness? Based, all the respect to you. It’s amazing to see young transwomen become go-getters and start their own businesses.