>I moved to Gotham recently. Rough neighborhood, real rough.
>I'll tell ya, my neighborhood is the only place when I budget I allow for hold-up money.
>What a neighborhood. Well, the first day I moved in I asked a cop, "How long a walk to the subway?"
>He said, "I don't know, so far no one's ever made it."
Other urls found in this thread:
>I tell ya, I get no respect.
>I met Two-Face, he told me at least he had half of him spared!
Ha ha, that is perfect. Great work. Miss his comedy.
Kek.
>I tell you I get no respect.
>When it was my turn to get a special power from Casita I got immense beauty
>Turns out even my family's magic has limits.
>I'll tell ya, it's rough being me. The Joker looked at me and said, that ain't funny.
I read that in Rodney's voice.
Well done user.
Bros I don't know how Rodney did it if I was him I'd fucking kill myself
Why?
Hey that Bizarro Superman fella ain't so bad! He's always telling me what a handsome guy I am!
>I get no respect I tell ya
>Thanos this guy comes down to ma town kills everyone my kids, my wife, my friends, hell he even killed my pooch all except me
>Later I ask him hey buddy what's the big idea? Why'd ya kill all them and not me?
>He said that me being around would lower the rate of repopulating
cause he got no respect
Alright that's brutal
Amazing.
>No respect, none at all.
>I wanted a look at the multiverse, find a reality where I'm handsome, you know.
>STAR labs won't let me use the scope!
>When I ask why, they say I'll break it, if I put my face in it.
>That looks like a tough device, I say.
>They say, not the scope, I'll break the multiverse!
>I get no respect none at all
>I was hoping by a lake when I see this scorpion trying to get to the otha side
>He turns to me and says hey pal why don't ya swim me across
>I says alright but how do I know you ain't gonna sting me and he says if he did we'd both drown
>I say fair enough and give the guy a ride when halfway there he stings me and as we both sink I ask em why?
>He says cause I'm a scorpion
Dangerfield had the best routine. Guy had rapid fire punchlines and never offended anyone because all he did was rag on himself. Class act.
Do one for King Andrias's invasion of Los Angeles!
Self depreciation humor is the best
So I'm walking down the street one night and this flaming skeleton on a motorcycle rides up and tells me he's going to pay me back for all the suffering I've inflicted on others and wouldn't you know it the guy pulls out a mirror! Talk about harsh!
>On To The News
>some insane chap who calls himself The Batman, was driving in some weird looking machine around Gotham City. And get this...he actually dressers as a bat. What a loon i say.
>For the ninth consecutive year, Wayne Enterprises ranked first in satisfaction among all companies in Gotham City. But you know what ranked least in satisfaction? No Man's Land Enterprises. What a terrible name for a company, it reminds me of that tragedy.
Nice
OP here. I didn't start that thread years ago, but I was in it and it was a lot of fun. I'd like to finally take credit for the Spider-man-Buick joke, the lasso-of-truth joke, the Aquaman joke, and many others. Including many of the Don Rickles jokes in the Celebrity Roast of Tony Stark.
>I get no respect
>I go to Central City where i met The Flash
>He says he's "the fastest man alive"
>And I said "huh, my mife calls me that too"
>I tell ya, I get no respect. Two-Face flipped his coin to decide if he killed me. It landed on the unmarked side, so he says "best two out of three, eh?"
Kek
that lewis black bit
Screencap this!
owww my sides!
Did you hear this the Dacia Sandero has a 200% greater crime fighting rate than any of the masked vigilantes in Gotham
genuinely good
gouchoanon was amazing
Hehe
I think these are all. 9 in total
Based
yup. same here. thank you screencap-user. I'll try to think up of some fresh jokes now.
>Yes i heard
>But did you know that vehicular homicide rate is also has gone up 200% as well
I feel like the Jeff Dunham stuff could have worked better we just gotta take another shot at it
Pretty funny
>the hank mccoy bit
ehehehehe
>I get no respect.
>No respect at all
>I tried joining up with The Suicide Squad
>And they put me on hold
>I'm turning into a corn dog!
>Prof. X shows up one day with the Cerebro hat on and tells me, "We think that your wife might be a Mutant."
>I tells the guy, "Hey Charlie, I coulda told ya that!"
>He asks her if she's got a mutant name yet.
>I tell him, "Yeah, Stretch Marks."
>She tried using the Gate to go to Krakoa.
>Turns out there's a weight limit.
>I hear tell that one group of scientists run by MODOK have been more successful than ever after going through a slump. Guess you can say his AIM's getting better.
>Why, the other night I woke up and caught The Rhino in my pajamas.
>How he managed to fit in my pajamas, I'll never figure out.
What would a Lloyd Kaufman bit on DC be? Wearing a tweed jacket and sitting down while he explains Gotham’s politics in the driest way possible?
And then start talking about the size of Catwoman's shit.
Damn
kek
>Lloyd Kaufman
He canonically is in DC, Marvel too. Or do you mean Andy Kaufman?
>You folks ever hear of them crooks Joker an' Harley Quinn?
>Man, those two can get real kinky in the bedroom
>I heard every time Harley has sex she SCREAMS
>Especially when Joker walks in on her!
>Andy challenging all the female supers to wrestle
Yes I meant Andy fucking lmao
Andy would become a Joker goon and sabotage everything.
>You know that Superman fella
> I don' really care 'bout em
If it was Lloyd Kaufman, the Toxic Avenger would likely be a real thing in-universe.
The Carlos Mencia and Andy Kaufman ones are missing, but I think those were from the sequel threads.
He would do terrible impressions of everyone in the DC universe, then do an awesome Captain Marvel Jr impression (Captain Marvel Jr was a big inspiration for Elvis's look) after everyone had left. Or he would bore everyone to death by explaining Hawkman's origin or Brainiac's incarnations, then offer to play a record, which is just him explaining Hawkman's origin and Brainiac's incarnations.
HONK* HONK
/thread, pack it up everyone it's all downhill from here.
Something something rental coffins. You get the joke and I'm too tired to be funny.
that read like a george carlin line
Thanks man, whenever i do my Rodney impression, i tell your spiderman Buick joke
Perfection.
Kek, I wrote the Sam Kinnison gag. Honestly, I came to write the Bill Hicks/Denis Leary gag, but somebody beat me to it.
THERE I AM GARY!! I did a few but I'm actually proud of my Dave Chappelle and Jon Stewart
Fair enough
10/10
>superman's weakness is a green rock? You're talking shit, you bald headed macunian twat
>The barkeep asked me what I want.
>I said, 'I don't know, surprise me!'
>He showed me a naked picture of my daughter with a bullet in her spine!
>So two arkham escapees are trying to climb the wall to get out, right?
>One says, "Here, I'll shine a light on the wall and then you can climb on the light and get out!"
>The other says, "No fuckin' way, man!"
>The first one gets angry and says, "Well, why the fuck not?"
>Then he says, "Because you'll turn the light off when I'm halfway up, ese!"
>You see, the Waynes all laugh like this!
>HE LIVES IN A SOCIETY!
>HE LIVES IN A SOCIETY!
>EVERYONE, THIS GUY LIVES IN A SOCIETY!!!!!!!
>Things are rough in this town, I tell ya.
>Scarecrow hits me with his fear toxin.
>All it does is improve my vision!
>So I kid you not, I love jizz so much that I keep a vial of it whenever I fuck a superhero.
>Yeah, really.
>Hey, it came in handy to repopulate the Earth!
>I have a whole shelf!
ahaha
>So Peter park is about to sneak out
>He's cimbing on the walls LEFT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT
>Right as he's about to walk out the door His aunt may comes in and say
>WERE IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING?
> And Peter says" I got to fight Dr. Octopus"
>YOU HAVEN'T CLEANED YOUR ROOM,BOY!
> "But aunt may, he will kill everyone if I don't stop him
>and aunt may replies "BOY, EVERYONE WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T CLEAN YOUR ROOM, BECUSE I CAN KILL YOU FRIST"
The "I got my Buick down there" bit feels like a joke Spider-Man would actually make.
>So I was reading some Gorilla Grodd and I realized, 'Hey, this looks like Valerie Jarrett'.
>Got a job working for Superman, pays me with dog biscuits
>Apparently it's his Krypto currency
>I bet Robin is pissed that baseball called dibs on "bat boy"
Took me a second
>KARL YOU'RE TALKING SHIT THERE IS NO CITY FULL OF MONKEY FELLAS
>No I mean they're not... I meant big ones, gorillas, y'know
>YOU'RE TALKING SHIT, YOU'RE TALKING SHIT
>Ricky, the listeners keep complaining you don't let Karl-
>PLAY A RECORD
>what's the deal with airplane food?
Where can I go to that place? I really do not know where?
>Yeah, my wife's fat, I'll tell ya. Big girl real big.
>She got invited to the Hellfire Gala.
>She was her own plus one.
Thanks user. I love it.
It's really hard to get a good night's sleep in a city like Gotham. Last night there was some crazy lady pounding on my apartment door for like four hours before I finally got up and let her out.
It's not as bad as Metropolis, though. In Metropolis you've gotta deal with people just randomly yelling things all the time. "IT'S A BIRD!" "IT'S A PLANE!" "IT'S SUPERMAN!"
I mean I can understand the third guy being surprised, but...
>Whaaaaat's the deeeeeaaaal with society?
>I didn't know Atom Smasher had a wife at home with similar powers!
>Maybe he should call you 'Pie Smasher'!
>Now, I am not saying that mutant women aren't women...
>I am just saying... That those pussies they got...
>That ain't REAL pussy!
>That's that MUTATED pussy!
>*laughter*
>That's X pussy!
>*laughter*
>"That's not a heat laser, that's a punch laser!"
>*laughter*
>Three mutants are in the front row staring daggers at him.
>Hell the only reason why I'm working this gig is because Superman doesn't let me swear in the Metropolis comedy clubs
"I forget the rest of the joke, but your mom is DEAD."
Lel
>I'm an ugly guy, I'll tell ya. Real ugly.
>One time I was resurrected on Krakoa.
>They took one look at me and took me outta the queue.
That was me! give me a minute and I'll copy and paste more schlock.
Incoming shlock at schlock o'clock - You've hear of the witching hour, this which the hour we ask 'dear god why?'
> Iron man's entire carreer is to be Batman with the light turned on. The problem is the lights on but no body's home.
> If I volunteered to be around a half dressed giant with anger issues, they wouldn't be calling me a genius, I can tell you that. Tony's suit is so expensive ...
> I went to a hole in the wall, couldn't make the cover charge, so I went to a resturant instead. A real ritzy place. Candles, tableclothes, chairs that didn't fold. The bad painting of Chicago was a nice touch until the little man in the alley walked towards me. I asked the waiter to close the drapes. I couldn't tell if I was in a gritty reboot of Lady and the Tramp or an H. P. Lovecraft program.
> Aqualad was with Catwoman. They were huddled in the corner discussing dentistry in pantomime. The cougar was sinking her claws into a minnow. I thought she was going for Black Panther, but she prefers whitefish over dark meat. Now that I think of it, Catwoman is no lady, so it must have been Tramp night. Tramps drink half off, and if they keep going it's a free show. I'm not saying the old fleabag is floozy. I'm saying her vetrenarian is charging overtime for oil changes. She's so high mileage she uses KY synthetic. Aqualad can use as much cod liver oil as he wants, but you can't sweep a gravel road. KY, that's reminds me...
> Speaking of Kentucky, My Little Pony got sent to the glue factory. There was nothing wrong with them, it just turns out Rarity's petigree had a fake breed registery. We thought she was Arabian, turns out she was made in China, or at least that's what was stamped under her foot. On second thought she may have been wearing Chinese horseshoes, and knowing her they were made of real horse. Accept no substitutes, ethical or otherwise. Unless you can get them cheap.
>...You can't get the genuine article cheap. So if you can fake being genuine, you're ahead by a nose. Now a head, 2 yards, 4 yards, and Twilight Sparkle wins. There goes Rarity's appeal. Not that she wasn't unappealing, it's just that that's illegal in this state, unless you happen to be first cousins with the horse in Conneticutt. I'm related to a horse's ass in Hobboken. If your cousin is also a horse's ass, resist the urge to do as the Pennsyltuckians do. It's a felony, it's disgusting, and OP's mother does the same thing for only half a sugar cube. And if you are, cover your ears. They shoot horses, don't they? Let's find out... and...
>...damn, no original cast reunion. Wait, he missed. We keep Tara Strong through the winter.
> I still think of Rarity, every time I lick an envelope. Especially for birthday cards. You can never get the glitter out, but you can worry a dentist to no end.
>Three mutants are in the front row staring daggers at him.
>They then get lynched for assaulting Dave with their dagger vision powers
welcome back grouchoanon
> I bought a horse for the races. He ate all my popcorn. He entered the stall, and didn't wash his hands. He took off, and was almost kicked for indecent exposure. He finally got ready to race, and hugged the inside track. I'm happy I named him "it's all pink."
> at least 50% of all butlers at Wayne Manor are gay, but that might be a statistical anomaly. At least one is bi. I figured I'd throw in a math joke. It makes the educated population feel included - both of them.
>I'm not saying Any Forums's college educated population made terrible life choices. They just chose to be financial crippled and in the company of drooling morons for the remainder of their lives, and if it's good enough for the President, it's good enough for me.
>I had this mutant friend and when I got in hot water with this Magneto guy she defended me
>She said normal people weren't all that bad that we didn't all want to kill mutants
>And you know what he did?
>...HE FUCKING KILLED HER
I jot down bits and peices in a word file every now and then. I think I have a 4,000 word string going.
> More people should wear tuxedos. Out of the closets and into the walmarts. Speaking of being in the closet, have you seen the new Rugrats All Grown Up? Chuckie Finster's so deep in the closet he's finding christmas presents. I'm not a bigot, but if you want to wear sandals, do so in the privacy of your own home. We don't need that in public.
> Captain Kirk, I look up to him like a father. Then I met him, now he resembles a motherfucker. I used to think of him like a brother, that son of a bitch. Everything revolves around a black hole at the center of a big bang. That's not directed at Mr. Sulu, it's just a joke. I'm actually cousins with Mr. Sulu. Which is strange. His step aunt, Laquisha Jefferson-Sulu, took one look at me and said, "that's funny. You didn't look Jewish." She's so opinionated she thinks the world revolves around her. It's doesn't, despite meeting the gravitational-density mimumum. That's a 'yo mama' joke gift wrapped in the fabric of space and time. It's such an old joke they could have done the giftwrapping at Kmart, and they stopped that 10 years after I died. Be careful with the fabric of space-time, if you tear it you become your own mother and you'll hate, and be disappointed in, yourself at the same time.
>That's how we know Jesus was jewish. He went home and told Mary, "I just got done making you a Louis the First table. Louis hasn't been invented yet, so we'll corner the market."
>Mary complains, "My son's a carpenter. Why not a a doctor?" Jesus yells, "I brought Lazarus back from the dead. I'm a healer!" "Yes", Mary wept, "but what's to hang on the wall?" We fluffed your chair, now get off the cross, we could use the wood.
Jokes about youtube animators
> I have the utmost respect for Katzun. She's the only animator who changes her art faster than her schtick. Storytime animators are a dime a dozen, which is on par for what youtube pays out in ad revenue. Animators are low cost, low volume, and high demand. OP, tell your mother she's got competition. She'll have to open an onlyfans to pay for the chicken tendies - which is like a bird strip, but sad. Much like OP's mom, which is a stripped bird, but sad for different reasons. If OP was my son I'd take him back the hospital and remand a refund. Stop the dad jokes, I'm going to be sick. Are we there yet? No, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. George Burns is there, and so's my Grandmother. If Burns is there, then to hell with it. I'd rather die than go to heaven. If I take a right turn in the middle of the tunnel, I'll go the other place. I can do that by taking sudden turns in any given tunnel, but why make a special trip? Burns probably has the place filled with cheap cigar smoke, or brim stone. I prefer the rocks to be in the middle of the glass, but that's just the devil in the details.
> Anyway, speaking of religious crisis, Katzun, Wolfychu and I were eating fried chicken in the back of a tent. How a 6x6 tent can have a back section I'll never know, but it's probably racist or members only. I'll hope for the classy option while keeping Texas in mind. We were playing poker. She had a stack of queens while I sat with a sad pair. Wolfychu was playing go fish. She was winning.
> I asked Katzun how she could be so aggressive. How that catboy could eat a lion every night is probably sadistic. That was 'killing me softly', anyway, here's wonderwall. I asked her how they make lesbians. She said they take a singular lesbian and pluralize her.
>"Pluralize her?", I said, "did they at least buy her dinner first?"
cont... but why? Tell me and we'll both know.
>That's how Noah did his part to repopulate Portland - he put out an add for a Subaru with the doors locked and the keys inside. The first person who opened the lock with their tongue got free tickets on the boat. It's a jungle down there, but if you find the man in the boat, you become a hasid, or a saint, depending on which side your bible buttons on. But everyone benefited. The lesbians were loaded two by two into the U-haul hooked to the back of the ark, and they fixed the boat if it leaked. That's the wonderful thing about lesbians, they both wear the pants in the relationship, and the pants have tool belts.
>Two by two is more decorative than practicle, we all know they won't be grandparents. Unless they go the butler route, and adopt. I once knew a black woman and a Japanese guy who were adopted. They ate motza ball soup and whitefish sushi every Kwanza.
>Katzun said he might not have a family the old fashioned way. The lavenders don't get pregnant, but it's not for lack of trying.
>not for lack of trying, tool belts, lesbianism, mingled homophobia. That's an Ikea joke. Some assembly required. Try the meatballs.. and now we're back on My little pony.
Hana Barbera references
>I made an off color joke about Babalouie's accent. Quickdraw McGraw called me a racist. Me, a racist? Why I haven't put money on the ponies in years... or it might be weeks. I know it was a wednesday. The point is that I'm through with racing. I couldn't run if you put a gun to my head - I'd be petrified. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm just allegic to pain. It hurts me. But I've no tolerance for intolerance. I once told Topcat that he's a sourpuss for being tactose intolerant. What did the lactose ever do to him? I think it might be genetic. That explains why the milkman was shot behind a back alley 30 something years ago. That's why the big cheese is aged in a cave. It doesn't make must sense to me, but I'm here telling jokes on Any Forums. If you wanted better you'd have to get my onlyfans account. I'll show you my cigar. They're kosher. The tip comes pre-cut. The wrapper is real cuban fig leaf. Speaking of cigars, I once walked down old Mexico way. In Jersey that takes at least 10 minutes from Camden. Either way it costs a pair of shoes. I went into a novelty shop and saw some Mexicalli cigarillos. Long, thin, wrinkled, brown, and they smelled like ammonia. They reminded me of Babalouie, if I am any judge of horseflesh. Now I'm starting to think Quickdraw had a point... in anycase, the little burrito came in last and cost me a sawbuck. Never bring a burrito to a horserace, it gives them cholic.
>I saw Babalouie with Pony Head. There's some sort of vuglarity in this, but I'm taking a mental health break. Fill in the blanks were you want, and call a psychiatrist as soon as possible.
>Harley asked me what she should get Poison Ivy for their aniversary. I said, "why not fertilizer?" She said, "not until we're married. I want legitimate children. No knock offs." So she can tolerate ill begotten gains, but not gain an ill begotten. I could have advised her to go find a babe in the woods, but she'd come back with a babe from the sewer. A crocode or a penguin. They're cute when they're little. Then they leave the nest, right after hatching. You have to let them spread their wings and fly, or their flippers and wiggle around on the pavement. Whatever gets the ball rolling. I told Harley to avoid a purple wedding bouquett. Not because it looks like her former sweetheart has dibs, but because a lavender marriage isn't meant to be taken literally. She might pop out of the wedding cake, but it better be a beef cake. Pam's not a lipstick lesbian, she's just vegan. And if you caught half of the gay jokes here, you're either as old as I am, or as old as these jokes. Harley's dress could be white, but white attracts blood stains in the DC universe. Pam's could never be white - it shows dirt too easy.
>Shego. If ever a woman saw green from a disney contract, it was her. That's not a bad thing. Kim got paid in Banana Republic pesos until Ron renegotiated her contract. Shego's so deep in green she's the only jew who has a float at the St. Patrick's day parade. Lot's of people don't know she's jewish. Her name used to be Goehe until they changed it at Ellis Island - voluntarily. She was dating that red head, not Kim. That's robbing the cradle and Nickelodeon has a monopoly on that racket. Dan Schnieder. There must be something in the saurkraut with the germans. Shego was dating that lovely spitfire gargoyle. They came to the upstate country club and thought she would get the cold shoulder. Jokes on her, the kitchen was pushing hot salami that day. Shego thought it was a dirty joke. Hypocrite. Shun the domestic pork products but date a goyish immigrant. I love the dead presidents too, but I'm not to unpatriotic as to refuse a good ham sandwhich. That's the trouble with Shego. A taste for brisket and a tongue for fish.
>Lovely girl, the gargoyle. We gave her the whole rack of ribbing and grilled her on the sour matzo ball her brought from home. Shego was dating a goy girl gargoyle goyl with gaul. If you don't laugh at that I'm suing you for breach of implied contract. I'm not twisting my tongue and working my fingers to the bone to entertain the masses - Shego's got that plum, and the plum's a tomatoe. Speaking of fruits, Shego's goyish gargoyle girl tried old Yiddishe chow. The real deal. This was pesach so it was traditional holiday food - we had Chinese. A beautiful roast Peking Duck with all the trimmings. Did the pilgrims eat duck on passover?
>The lovely couple said they wanted a traditional wedding. I know Shego's a skinflint. She even stole a young girl's jacket once. So I offered her the loan of my tuxedo. She accepted. There's not a joke in that. We wear the same size. Who knew?
I have run out of pictures of Groucho, and too lazyy to look up more. Please accept this picture of a substitute Jew and use your imagination.
>Back to plums - Shego's liver is like all jewish cutlets - fried hard and served cold. But I wish them a happy marriage. I can tell a good marriage when I see it. I should know, I'm on my fourth.
>Daffy quacked like a pigeon about Disney while Shego kvetched about Warner brothers. The were outsourcing in-house. I played a round of tennis with the gargoyle gal. There's no written rule about flying, but their ought to be.
That's all I got.
mozel tov grouchoanon. I enjoyed it :)
I was riding the subway with some old ass jewish guy... wait? That's not antisemetic! He was just fucking jewish, so what? The fuck were you thinking? These fake progressives pretend to be all accepting, and shit, but they imagine the most hateful shit when you say trigger words, like jew, or black, or mexican, or faggot. So he starts talking about a fucking envelope from the old days, and I thought it was gonna be some holocaust story. Like some deep, soul churning shit, but then he insinuated he fucked a horse in Newport, and it got me thinking about the last time I fucking licked an envelope.
It was like my ex. Like that weird kind of sticky-dry. The more you tongue it the angrier it gets. It grabs your tongue and bites it. Over sized. Baggy once it's open. Like that special kind of bitterness that tastes like broken soul and burnt coffee. This is a pretty multi-facited joke for a one dimensional bitch. We broke up, me and the ex, and it was super sad because I thought it was like we we like Forrest Gump and Jenny. And we really were. She was a whore and I was a retard who touched her boob one time. Exactly one. I counted and it was special. We had a moment.
One time this bitch broke down my door, snapped the fucking deadbolt like a pencil. Stole my entertainment center, and my big screen TV single handed. Stole my beer. Shit in the toilet and didn't flush. I should have mentioned that she started life as a 7 foot black man. Life choices, man. I respect her personal choices, and will not misgender her, but bitch stole by fucking TV. I though we had a real future together. It's not a crack house, it's a crack home. Not that the black part matters, that's racist, I'm just pointing out that I don't see color when seeking love. It's all pink on the inside. I'm just mad about the lost emotional investment.
so where was I? Oh yeah, so I'm fucking my 7 foot tall transgender girlfriend, and all of a sudden the chihuahua starts barking. Total mood killer.
Wait, no, I was on the subway, and got robbed. Grandpa Irving over here is talking about beastiality, and this guy pulls a fucking knife out, and I thought, hold on - I recognise that massive fist. "Regina?" and she fucking stabbed me! The bitch stabbed me! After all we had been through together! I though it was gonna be like Officer and a Gentleman, where she scoops me up into her strong arms and carries me home to Queens, and I get a union job at a steel mill, but she just fucking stabbed me and stole my wallet.
I still think of her every time I mail christmas cards. That's a joke, I don't have anyone to send christmas cards to.
So yeah, Jewish humor really makes you think.
>three mutants are in the front row staring daggers at him
>literally staring daggers, they have dagger vision
Have you see this new ethnic Disney movie, Enchanto? I was on set, counting the little squares they put in those cans of funny tape, and there she was - all over the place. A bicep here, a tricep there. I asked her name, but might have called her a lhama. Luisa, beautiful girl. I felt at peace looking into her eyes, which is how I imagine the victims feel after the bus makes impact.
It's too bad, I don't know all these older comics, so I can't do the voice/timing, and the jokes are falling flat.
Just imagine bugs bunny. Bugs was a parody of groucho.
You know that Dane Cook bit is right on point, and painfully unfunny.
Watch "Duck Soup", it's only about an hour long and it still holds up.
The Sunshine Boys (1975), see it, it's a wonderful movie...
>You cheap son of a bitch you. let me tell you something. You're not welcome at my funeral. A curse on you if you should so much as set foot one in the temple.
>you, buried at temple! you cheap bastard you'd skimp on the coffin rental. They'd roll you out of the box before they put a shovel full of dirt on you.
>And bastard, this is why your kids don't even talk to you! This is why all you'll ever have is your cadillac and your damn money!
>I may not have many christmases left, but I'll rather rot in full grain leather than hear the meter ticking by a backhoe.
>I told her, "Let's get married. Why, I could picture you bending over a hot stove.... but I can't see the stove."
Duck Soup and Night at the Opera are greats to this day.
i have to go to bed. someone put a nickel in the jannie and keep the website running.
> My sex life is awful, just terrible I'll tell ya.
> I asked my wife to put on one a those Black Cat suits, ya know to spice things up a bit.
> She says to me, "Yeah sure, only if you put a Spider-man mask over your face."
Called the no man's land!
Ya know, as I was work-shopping that joke it was going to be Superman but I changed it to Spider-Man for just that reason.
>I do not believe that anyone being beaten by people of average intelligence should get the name "Brainiac"
>After three or four times, maybe you just go "Hi. I'm Jeff the Evil Robot"
>That thread was in 2020
Oh, you poor thing. You have no idea what feels you are in for.
>Seinfeld takes Gotham by storm and everyone loves him
>Joker is green with envy, but fears Seinfeld is hiding his true power level and doesn't make a single move against him
george vs penguin
>Riddler captures Kramer, puts him in an elaborate death trap where the only escape is solving an elaborate sequence of clues, as usual
>Kramer answers in mere seconds with something completely absurd that PERFECTLY fits the clues
>So there she is, across the street and she has a guy! Thought she was single, but she wasn't. She had a guy. A short guy. Chubby. Bald
>Seems like she has a type, George. Maybe you can steal her from him.
>That's what I thought. Wait my time, wait till they fight, then fly in and rescue her. be the good short, bald, chubby guy, not the bad short, bald, chubby guy. Perfect plan.
>Alright, then what's the issue, what happened?
>He had an umbrella.
>An umbrella?
>An umbrella he could fly with, Jerry!
>A flying umbrella?
>A flying umbrella. Just like that, my plan was taken by the winds, scattered through the air. Can't fly in to save a girl from someone with a flying umbrella. I'll never have something as good as a flying umbrella.
>...How high could it fly?
>Oh, pretty high. It was a nice umbrella, not dissing the umbrella.
kek
That's really bad and doesn't work.
I also felt the need to bully and give this guy a wedgie. He looks like a gypsy on cocaine or anything that makes you erratic and featherbrained.
I always felt the need*
>bully and give this guy a wedgie
you're describing every comedians childhood, user
>The Joker dumped some toxic gas in a bus I was on the other day
>Nine people died, it was awful, I couldn't stop laughing
These Mitch ones make me miss him even more.
kek.
You absolute madlad
Is crazy how Ricky Gervais is easily the worst part of the Ricky Gervais show
He is, but I find him a needed part for Karl to bounce off of, just like Stephen especially in the radio shows
Lol
Lmao
>I remember when the Chitauri invaded New York.
>Don't laugh at that.
>I walked through blood and bones, in the streets of Manhattan, looking for my brother.
>Jesus.
>Yeah, he was in northern Canada.
That was really good.
>You know, I'll admit sometimes I do go into my own little Multiverse. But that's okay, they know me there.
Criticfags BTFO
"George becomes addicted to the life of high society after being mistaken for The Penguin, however his fun times get cut short when he draws the ire of the real one"
this was an interesting thread
me and my friends get no respect
the hell is this
>"he painted an S on his chest"
sad facts
I pick vs
to be hip
ok
stop saying kek
lok
Vandal Savage is so old... when he was a young man his favorite cologne was called New Spice.
That joke was dumb, I'm aware of that.
Fantastic
>You could say we're wasting our lives talking about cartoons online, but hindsight is 2020. I would be motivational and say seize the day, but that implies getting a grip. I had a grip once, and they don't let me in the park anymore.
This one is fucking super underrated
>have you see how many dames are wearing pants and opening their own pickle jars nowadays. I saw a women in a motorcyclist jacket buying a bushel of cucumbers. That's what this country needs, industrious women ready to stick it to big pickle. Seize the means of reproduction, but do it right. They say you can't make money off a hobby because it spoils it and makes it just a job. I disagree. These ladies seem to be working up a sweat and having fun. I'd claim they were shacking up but they'd turn it into cottagecore. I love these ne age lesbians. Without them my polar bear rug would be stuck in banal conformity to a racist system : so I dyed it blue and it called me privilidged. I'm not complaining about the lesbians in a back hand way mind you. I like my women like a like my coffee - strong, and valued in the workplace. That's why incels hate lesbians - they're unemployed. And Princess Marco, he drinks tea.
That's not saying the fairies are out of the loop. The lesbian racket is sticking it to big pickle. The gay racket is having a pickle to stick. Notice how I didn't use the word 'big' there. The Hindus will be grateful for representation as they're dragged into the 20th century. That's the real different between the lesbian and the gays : their cucumbers just botton on the other side. If you're old enough to laugh at that, you'll be dragged into the 21st century.
bump.
contribute you lazy schmucks.
I'm considering Burr's no reason to hit a woman as a no reason to rape the joker metajoke.
we're not lazy lol
>I'm gonna talk about the elephant in the room for just a moment. The giant fucking purple space elephant.
>Thanos.
>Yeah. Big mothafucka Thanos. Space Daddy.
>I get the whole "I'm gonna kill everbody" shtick, it's a little cliché at this point, honestly. I mean, fuck, he's just working with a few trillion more targets than Ultron.
>But he's doing to get pussy.
>Killing fuckin everything so he can get his purple pickle dick wet. REALLY?
>And it's not like there's some equally as ugly purple bitch who wants him to do it. Oh no. That'd make FUCKING SENSE. He wants to bang Death.
>DEATH of all people. Well, living impaired people, maybe. It's complicated.
>So not only is he not content to fuck ANYTHING in the nearest five universes, but he is so fucking DERANGED that he doesn't think putting his cock in Death isn't just going to kill him.
>What was that like for Gamora growing up? You think she's ever just "Dad, can you NOT murder this planet? I'm hoping something down there has a dick or two."
>No wonder she hooked up with the first human she met in space. Starlord probably hadn't squeezed one out in a couple days and thought "Green tits? Sure."
I prefer the Fleisher version
masterful.
>the "sorry, I thought you were a rapist"
Made me bust out laughing
>Killer Moth goes into Doctor Fate's Tower, and Fate says, “What seems to be the problem, Killer Moth?”
>Killer Moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Neron, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Neron knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Kitten, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Drury jr. … I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded cocoon gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."
>And so Doctor Fate says, “Killer Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist, I'm not even a real doctor. Why on earth did you come here?”
>And Killer Moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
meehehehehehehehe
>"A new Any Forums thread posted in the catalog today claims that comics are not dead."
>"But you know who is? Me."
Woe is me
Which fairy?
That's not funny
fpbp
Too soon
Too much soon
>If I were a supervillain, I'd be Batman's worst enemy
>And when I say "worst" I mean like "He could show up with a pizza for me and I'd probably be done with my evil plans for the afternoon"
>No fighting necessary, just pizza
>I had originally written that one about The Flash, but too much fast food is unhealthy, so I slowed down my delivery
Too much sooner
>I once worked in the Justice League's Watchtower
>It combined the safety of being surrounded by superheroes with the terror of dying in space
God damn this one got me.
>The economy is so bad, Two-Face had to switch from a silver dollar to a nickel
>What does Superman call his apartment building’s manager?
L.L?
Mr. Through the roof?
Ok, that one's pretty good. Kek
I LOVE THIS SUPERHERO SHIT
I MAY MOVE TO GOTHAM
genius
that's a good one
>No respect at all, I tell ya.
>My wife finally decides to buy me some comics for my birthday.
>She asks me what do I want and I tell her to surprise me with something that reminds her of me.
>I open up the box and there's this worn-out issue of The Flash.
Amazing.
kek.
Good thread guys
Superintendent is the word that StevenWrightAnon was joking about. He wouldn't be so super, compared to Superman.
It sure was